This kind of attitude towards personal relationships goes hand in hand with our consumer economy. The idea in both cases is that if something doesn’t work, it’s not your responsibility and you needn’t bother to fix it – just throw it away. In terms of our planet, we’re waking up at last to the fact that this attitude could destroy the whole of our physical environ­ment. Such an attitude, when applied to relationships, can also destroy the whole of our psychological well-being.

Furthermore, you’ll feel the greatest pride in the things you work hard to attain. Things that come easily may still be enjoyed of course, but your enjoyment will be so much more profound, and will last much longer if you put effort into attaining them yourself.

If you’re never challenged; if you never work through difficulties, you’re unlikely to experience real satisfaction. Furthermore, if you walk out whenever things go wrong, you’ll never learn much. You’re most likely to walk into another situation and repeat the same mistakes that you made before.

In the longer term, intimate relationships are bound to encounter difficulties, and they require constant input and effort if they are to last. I still remember something one of my patients said when he found out that his wife was having an affair. ‘Over the years, my good friends kept telling me how hard it was for them to make their marriages work, and what time and effort it was costing them. I always used to laugh at them. “Mine’s a breeze,” I’d say, “Just pretend you’re listening and don’t argue. It’s just so much easier.” I wish now that I’d really listened to her. I wish so much I’d tried harder to make things work.’

This is not to say that all relationships must necessarily continue. There are times when you have to admit that it just isn’t in the best interests of either of you to continue. This applies to friendships, marriages and business partner­ships alike. But even in those cases, the effort you put in to try to make things work will have been worthwhile. You’ll find that in the longer term, it will be far easier to accept that a relationship had to end if you know that you tried your best to make it work.

There’s one other point that I think is important: not everyone needs intimacy to feel content. Individuals differ enormously in their need for intimacy, and one part of dis­covering yourself is to learn how much intimacy is right for you. But we all need some degree of connectedness to other human beings, and whatever your optimal level of intimacy or connectedness is to others, you’ll be more content if you put time and effort into maintaining and valuing it. Therefore, let’s reword the third myth:

No man is an island. It will be well worth my while to put care and effort into my relationships

Show that you care

Familiarity doesn’t necessarily breed contempt, but it does seem to breed indifference. Try to do something every day, however small, that shows you care about the people who matter to you. Offer a sincere compliment, a genuine ques­tion about their well-being, or a small gesture that you know they’ll appreciate. Each will probably take less than a minute, but will mean so much.

Communicate clearly

So many opportunities to communicate are missed every day. Good communication is the foundation of a stable relation­ship, yet all too often we don’t take the time to keep those channels open. Turn off the television during mealtimes, and try to have one meal together every day with everybody in your household. Ask questions and really listen to the answers, while looking directly at the person you’re talking to. You needn’t have deep, soul-searching sessions every day, but keeping the channels of communication open by showing genuine interest in those who matter most to you will always be worth the effort.

Remember what counts to others

If you’re really listening to those around you, you’ll know what matters most to them and you can honour that. Simple things, such as respecting the fact that you love to chatter in the morning but your partner prefers to read the paper; remem­bering that your teenager likes tea rather than coffee at break­fast, or remembering to phone or send a card on a friend’s birthday shows that you’re thinking about the other person. These are only small gestures, I know. But the small things are often those most fondly remembered, and are the ones that can bolster a relationship that’s become dull or mundane.

Make a regular date together

When I work with couples whose relationships are in trouble, one of the things we try to do is re-establish the ‘date’. Once a week or fortnight, the couple arranges to spend an evening together without the distractions of television or children. Although often uncomfortable at first, most couples tell me that this special time becomes very enjoyable. This applies equally well with children, particularly if you have more than one. When my children were young, once a fortnight I took each one out for tea after school. The child feels valued, and there’s a chance for some real conversations.

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