Parenting – Spending Quality Time with Your Children
ByYou’ve probably heard the term “quality time” mentioned as a way of assuring parents that it’s not how much time you spend with your child that matters, but what you do when you are together.
I think the basic gist of this message is fine, but there’s some confusion about what constitutes quality time.
Many parents don’t really understand what quality time means. They mistakenly get it into their head that some activities count as quality time and others do not. Often, parents believe these activities will stimulate their child’s development, such as playing with an educational toy or teaching the child something new. So when they feel guilty about not spending enough time with their child, they pick one of these activities and start in on it, whether their child is interested or not. It’s as if “spend some quality time with my child today” is an item on their to-do list, and they’re just dying to get it over with, cross it off the list, and move on to the next task. But spending quality time with your child doesn’t mean turning every interaction into a lesson about something. Children and their parents also need to just have fun together. You’re your child’s parent, not his tutor.
Quality time has nothing to do with what you and your child are doing when you are together. Quality time is all about how you do it. Quality time is defined by your state of mind, not by a set of activities. It’s time where you are really engaged with your child.
Here’s my question, then: When you and your child are together, are you really there, or is your mind usually somewhere else? If your answer is that your mind is usually somewhere else, you are not spending quality time with your child.
There are plenty of occasions where you have no choice but to parent without being fully engaged. You can’t give your child undivided attention when you are doing something else that needs to be done, like cooking dinner, paying bills, reading work you’ve brought home from the office, fixing a toilet that won’t stop running, or attending to a younger sibling who is still an infant. It’s natural and perfectly fine when you are with your child under these circumstances to split your attention between her and the task at hand.
But if parenting on autopilot is all that you ever give your child, you are not being a good parent. You need to spend time with your child when you are really focused on what the two of you are doing, and not simply squeezing in some parenting while you are doing something else, such as checking your e-mail or reading the newspaper.
Make time for activities where you and your child have a chance to connect. How you do this will vary depending on your child’s age and his likes and dislikes, but at any age you can surely find something that your child enjoys doing with you. Again, it’s not the activity that matters, but your willingness to get engaged in whatever it is.
Plan special evening or weekend outings that allow you to focus on your child. It’s great to take your child along with you while you run errands or shop, but you won’t be able to give her your undivided attention. It’s hard to create quality time while you are searching for bargains at the supermarket or shopping mall. It’s true that you can turn running errands into a more satisfying joint activity by slowing down and trying to make the excursion more engaging, but this is not the same as doing something together where the primary focus is an activity that your child likes.
When you read to your child, as you should every day, put a little oomph into it, even if you’ve read the same story dozens of times.
When you are doing something with your child, try to get into it, whether it is building with blocks, baking a cake, hiking in the woods, or playing a catch. She can tell the difference between when you are genuinely involved and when you are just going through the motions.
When you and your child are spending time together, focus on what you are doing right then, and not on the chores you are neglecting, the work you have to catch up on, or what you will be doing later that day. Be there mentally as well as physically.
When your teenager is telling you something, really pay attention. Don’t listen with feigned interest. When you see him at the end of the day, ask real questions, not perfunctory ones. Perfunctory questions will only get you perfunctory answers.
I’ll bet that if you sit down and add up the number of minutes you actually spend with your child each day – not time when the two of you just happen to be in the same place at the same time, but time when you are talking to each other or doing something together – you’ll be amazed at how little time the two of you spend together.
How much quality time is enough time? There is no magic number of minutes or hours to aim for. Just keep in mind that the more quality time you spend with your child, the better off he will be.
There are two ways to increase the amount of quality time you spend with your child. If it is possible for you to simply spend more time with your child, try to increase that amount. And if this is not possible, because of work or other obligations, try to improve the quality of time you do spend together. My guess is that you can probably do a little of both.
I know that you’ve learned how to multitask, but taking care of your child is not something that should be relegated to a side activity. It is better to spend an hour genuinely engaged with your child than to spend two hours with your mind elsewhere. You can be an adequate parent when you are doing something else and parenting at the same time, but you can’t be a really good one. Make sure that a substantial portion of the time you spend with your child is devoted to her and her alone.
That’s what quality time is all about.
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