Parenting – To Smack or Not to Smack?
BySmacking is a big issue. An American expert was explaining on British TV why she thought smacking was a terrible ‘violation of basic human rights’, and likely to leave a child needing therapy. ‘We’ve got to talk out the problems instead,’ she concluded. But her interviewer was unconvinced: ‘Perhaps a good smack is the right therapy sometimes,’ she quipped.
So who’s right? Is smacking a form of punishment whose time is past? Does it scar kids emotionally for life and teach them that violence is the way to solve their problems? Or can it have a positive effect, helping to give them the self-respect and self-discipline they need?
Every parent will make up their own mind about whether or not – and in what circumstances – it’s right to smack their child. But as they do, they need to think long and hard about the issues involved and alternatives available.
To begin with, a disciplined parent won’t always want to use the same form of punishment. They’ll want to choose a punishment that fits both the ‘crime’ and the child – and there’s lots of scope for creativity here. In fact, alternative punishments to smacking fall into three basic categories:
- Withdrawing privileges – including the removal of pocket money or treats, not being allowed to stay up late at weekends, limiting the use of computers or other toys, banning of favourite TV programmes, grounding, and other restrictions.
- Sending children to a ‘cooling off place – e.g. their bedroom or a corner of the room. (However, if you do this, make sure that it’s a real punishment: a friend of mine loved being sent to his room, where he could do what he wanted without being seen!) A couple I know send their kids half-way up the stairs for half an hour whenever they’re naughty. They say it’s effective because there’s nothing for them to do there except think about what they did wrong.
- Verbal tellings-off – a serious talk in a serious voice will sometimes have the desired effect. Your kids want you to be pleased with them, so letting them know they’ve disappointed you can be extremely effective. There are some people who claim that smacking is wrong because, unlike other forms of punishment, it’s violent and abusive. But the truth is that when a parent shouts and screams uncontrollably at their child, or sends them to their room while they’re in a furious temper, or stops their pocket money as part of an unthought-out and angry reaction to a mistake, this is every bit as ‘violent’, abusive and emotionally scarring as an uncaring smack or slap.
A few years ago, the director of one infamous children’s home was sacked not just for beating the children in his care, but equally for using a system known as ‘pin-down’, where he confined them to their rooms for days at a time.
The problem, in other words, isn’t really about smacking as such. It’s deeper than that. It’s about the way in which a punishment – any punishment – is given. There’s a world of difference between tapping a toddler lightly on the wrist and giving a child an angry or prolonged thrashing with a hand or belt. In fact, lumping these together under one label – ‘smacking’ – as if they were all the same, is extremely misleading.
The truth is that any punishment given to a child as an unthought-out, arbitrary or violent reaction is abusive. And that doesn’t just apply to smacking. It’s exactly the same for sending a child to their room, withdrawing their pocket money, shouting at them or anything else. Any punishment that’s undisciplined and handed out in the heat of the moment is bound to be damaging. It’s this kind of punishment that will confuse and scar a child emotionally . . . and, of course, won’t work anyway. But the double tragedy with out-of-control smacking is that the already devastating impact of emotional scarring and damage caused by undisciplined discipline is added to by physical pain and abuse.
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