Archive for boys
The Basics of Self-Esteem Tips For Boys: Explain Your Thoughts and Feelings
Posted by: | Comments‘Children need models more than they need critics’ – so said the French philosopher, Joubert. Boys will learn to identify and express their thoughts and feelings safely and comfortably if they see you do the same.
It is particularly important for boys to see their fathers or male role models being open about their emotions and giving serious thought to their ideas. One significant and unhelpful element of ‘macho’ maleness is that opinions are asserted in a commanding and dictatorial fashion and presented as ‘the truth’. This obliterates the possibility that others, including children, may see things differently.
If you are a parent:
* If you are angry, upset or frustrated, explain why; don’t just shout
* When you explain your reactions to your son’s actions, he learns to assess and anticipate the results of his behavior; this helps him to become responsible
* Tell him how you arrive at decisions, by saying, e.g.: ‘I first thought this, then I realized that, so I decided…’
* You are responsible for your feelings; say: ‘I felt angry when…’, not ‘You made me angry’
* If your son swears, ask him to find an alternative word to express what he’s trying to say, and do the same yourself
If you are a teacher:
* Help your students find the best language with which to express their thoughts and feelings
* Try always to express yourself as well as possible, too
* Use ‘I’ phrases in order to avoid blaming any individual student or group of students for anything
* Emotional literacy requires an emotional vocabulary; boys need to discover which words they can use to express their feelings -and, if information is presented properly to them, will enjoy widening their vocabularies to replace expletives
Thoughts and arguments should be put forward and explained, not asserted, with the possible exception of key matters of discipline. A useful principle is: assert your right to be heard, not your view of the world. Inner strength is based on tolerance and respect, not domination, and such a view is also hugely liberating: if you don’t need to dominate, you don’t always need to be right.
The Basics of Self-Esteem Tips For Boys: Avoid Wielding the Tools of Power
Posted by: | CommentsFred never stops talking about his father. It’s never good. His father was a bully, sarcastic, critical, was alternately friendly and hostile, played him off against his brother, wouldn’t accept any different point of view from his own. He did my friend no favors. He has now spent years trying to sort himself out, getting his confidence back, feeling comfortable with disagreement and learning how to be tolerant.
If you are a parent:
* It is best not to force an issue when either you or your child is tired. Let it go, in case it blows up in both your faces
* Try using the ‘soft no’; if he does not respond to your request straight away, instead of raising your voice and issuing threats, repeat it more quietly, making sure you and he are looking directly at each other
* Try trusting him to comply, giving one or two reasons, or using creative ways to get his compliance instead
If you are a teacher:
* Responding with instant punishments in an apparently arbitrary way is an abuse of power; be measured, fair and consistent to avoid resentment and maintain students’ cooperation
* Avoid using sarcasm and ridicule in the classroom; these are not appropriate tools for confident, positive teaching
* Don’t react to challenges personally; doing so will lead to communication breakdown
* People shout and throw rulers when their patience and skills have run out; suggest that you team-teach to refresh your skills if you lose control more than occasionally
The tools of power that adults use are hitting, hurting, damaging belongings, bribery, ridicule, threats, sarcasm, shouting, emotional withdrawal and withholding food and liberty. It may be tempting to use these sometimes, especially when you are running out of steam, but it will be counter-productive. Boys will certainly find ways to get their own back, to preserve what they see as their self-respect.
Our children deserve the best from us, not the worst.
The basics of living with teenager – boys hitting sexual maturity
Posted by: | CommentsIn boys, the development that gives them the ability to contribute to a pregnancy starts a few years later. The signal to begin the changes of puberty, as in girls, comes from the pituitary gland at the base of the brain. In boys, these hormones act on the testes, the two glands suspended below the penis, outside the body. After pubic hair has begun to grow, the male sex organs to enlarge, height and weight to increase and the muscles to become heavier, the testicles will begin to manufacture sperm – the male cells. Unlike ova in girls, these are not present in a finite number from birth but made anew each day, and as many as 300 million may be present in each ejaculation. The advantages of such conspicuous waste are that even the loss of one testicle will not affect a man’s ability to start a pregnancy (and indeed if a woman loses an ovary, the other will take over!). Another advantage is that there is safety in numbers – only one sperm gets the prize and fertilizes an egg, but the others aid it on its way.
A tube connects each testicle to two small glands called seminal vesicles, connected in their turn to the prostate gland. Sperm is passed up these tubes into the seminal vesicles where it combines with seminal fluid from the prostate. The resulting mixture, which is about 98 per cent fluid and 2 per cent sperm, is called semen. Semen can remain in the seminal vesicles and eventually be absorbed back into the body, as new, fresh sperm mature and travel up from the testicles. More often, it is passed out of the body as an ejaculation during masturbation or an erotic or wet dream.
Boys have erections from the time they are born. Both sexes soon learn that touching their genitals is pleasant, and even before boys’ bodies manufacture semen to produce an ejaculation, or girls start menstruating, we have evidence to show that both can experience orgasm. But with the onset of sperm production, self-pleasuring does acquire an extra dimension for the young man! How often a boy has wet dreams or masturbates depends entirely on individual factors. However, it is neither abnormal nor unusual for a teenager in the throes of adolescence to have frequent emissions – as many as several days. Boys are also constantly bedeviled by involuntary erections. An erection is the first response to sexual excitement. The body often reacts to a trigger – the sight, scent, sound or thought of something stimulating – even before the mind recognizes it, and certainly before the penis is touched or manipulated. Adolescent boys can find themselves becoming excited in the most public places and at the most inappropriate times, without meaning or trying to become so.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: What You Expect is What You Get
Posted by: | CommentsTime for school in ten minutes. Remember what you need and I’ll see you at the front door at a quarter to.’ For older boys, this is a far more helpful and positive approach than: ‘You’ve only got ten minutes. Have you got your homework? Have you done your teeth? Don’t forget your games kit, and don’t be late like yesterday!’
If you are a parent:
* Remain positive: notice, constantly, the things that he does right; if he fails to do something, restate your request or expectation; don’t berate him for his omission
* Stop predicting or assuming poor performance or behavior with phrases such as: ‘I expect you’ll fail this test, too’ or even, ‘You will be good, won’t you?’
* Avoid sticking labels on him, especially negative ones such as ‘naughty’, ‘thief, ‘liar’ and ‘bad’; give him hope and faith in himself
If you are a teacher:
* Have appropriate and realistic expectations for the content of pupils’ work, and high expectations for quality of presentation and punctual delivery
* Many boys find it hard to produce neat work, but they won’t develop this skill if their gender becomes an excuse; computers can help to improve the look of a boy’s work, and encourage him to see himself as capable of high standards
* Encourage reflection; this should be demonstrated in written work and class discussion; with this expectation, boys are more likely to develop this important ability
Boys who feel trusted by an adult feel proud of that trust and work at keeping it. Research consistently shows that high expectations produce good results, and low expectations produce poor ones – what you expect is what you get. ‘What you expect’ in this case is your perception of your child’s personality and behavior. ‘What you get’ is the behavior you expect. So if you ask a boy to do something in a way that assumes and expects that he will, you are more likely to get the result you want. The reverse is also true; when you imply that he won’t co-operate or succeed at something, he probably won’t.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Watch Him Doing Something He Enjoys
Posted by: | CommentsAnything that is important to us, we want to share. Children are the same. Children usually enjoy doing the things they do well, so one reason to watch them is to let them show off a little and accept the pride they feel in their achievement. Watching involves you further in your son’s life; it increases togetherness even when he’s doing something on his own. Your presence will boost his self-esteem.
If you are a parent:
* Find the time to watch
* ‘Mum, can I show you how I…?’, or ‘Dad, come and see me do…’ should be answered with: ‘Sure’, but preferably not with ‘later’ added
* Let him impress you; tell him afterwards how much you enjoyed watching him
* Within his hearing, tell his grandparents how well he’s doing, so that he can feel pride in his skills; if they are no longer with you, you can say: ‘Granny would have loved to have seen you do that’
If you are a teacher:
* You can’t watch what the boys and girls in your class do in their personal time, but you can find a moment to hear about something they have done
* Try to value whatever it is a boy enjoys doing or achieving
* Provided that your family and work commitments allow for this, it can be gratifying for students to see other teachers attending plays, football matches, concerts, etc.
If your son loves playing football, riding bikes or conquering playground equipment, watching certainly takes effort and may involve getting muddy, cold or wet. You may be mystified by his passion for strange, war-based, card or computer games. But he will thrive in the warmth of your watchful eye.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Understand His Particularities
Posted by: | CommentsEvery boy is different. A boy can be adaptable, affectionate, funny, sensitive, quick to cry, find it hard to concentrate or to share, live in a fantasy world or be down-to-earth. He can be resilient, jealous, generous, prosaic or fanciful, like noise or quiet, be tidy or untidy, seek company or prefer solitude. He may feel, play, think, learn, and enjoy things in a way that is different from other people. It is these ‘particularities’ which define who he is as a human being, regardless of his gender. A boy will have a clearer picture of the different elements within himself if close adults put what they see into words.
If you are a parent:
* Fill in your son’s ‘personality palette’. Write down his likes and dislikes – what he likes to or won’t eat, his favorite games, pastimes and activities, clothes, what he does well, places he likes to go, how he works best
* Be positive; traits you view as negative may be the reverse side of positive ones; for example, he may stand up for himself with friends but be ‘too assertive’ with you
* Tell him what you see: ‘I really like the way you…’, or ‘You’re very sensitive, aren’t you?’
If you are a teacher:
* Consult with other staff members to determine specific strengths and weaknesses of a student you find ‘difficult’
* Be aware of different learning styles (ask what students prefer) and vary lessons appropriately
* Ask students to get into small groups; in each group, select one student and have the rest of the group bombard him with all the strengths and unique features they see in him (no negative comments are allowed); one person should record the contributions, listing ten to fifteen of his strengths
To take the analogy of an artist’s palette, the more ‘colors’ or traits that can be identified, the more varied and interesting the picture that is painted. Parents, and sometimes teachers, often see a boy as ‘naughty’. If he is not ‘good’ (which for those parents means never doing anything wrong), then he is automatically ‘naughty’. In that situation, boys learn to see themselves as either good or bad, and if it’s the latter, unsuccessful too.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: the More You Use It, the More You Lose It
Posted by: | CommentsThere was a young boy getting bored at the skirt of his mother as she talked with a friend in the street. He decided to run away towards the road, so his mother grabbed him, dragged him back, hit him and resumed her conversation. He did the same again, twice, and so did she. The third time, he ran out into the road, and she hit him harder, several times. The more she hit, the more he chose to flout her authority.
There is an important lesson to learn about power, which is that the more you use it, the more you lose it. Where power is used, or misused, frequently, it tends not to stop children doing something, but to incite them to further challenge.
If you are a parent:
* Hitting is not the only power tactic used by parents; threats, bribes, harsh punishments and elaborate reasoning are also used by parents to get their way; children get the measure of these tactics too
* We remain authoritative not through being authoritarian but by continuing to guide, influence, set boundaries for decisions and, sometimes, to direct when necessary
If you are a teacher:
* Boys are often less biddable than girls and have the confidence to argue and make their point if they feel unfairly treated; if you fail to listen, you could lose in the long term
* Lessening your control will not necessarily undermine your authority; put boys more in charge of their own learning, allow them to evaluate their own and each others’ work under your guidance, and the potential for destructive, power-based dynamics will be reduced to a minimum
Perhaps children see people with an over-reliance on power as weak underneath, and exploit this weakness. More likely, they resent their inferior skills and position being taken advantage of. Being neither understood nor treated with the respect they deserve, they express their frustration in the only way they can.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Tell Him His Story
Posted by: | Comments“You took your first steps running away from the vacuum cleaner. It used to terrify you. One day, when it came close, you just took off!”
Young boys love to be told stories about themselves – when they were babies, how any older brothers and sisters reacted when they arrived, and so on. These stories give your son a history. They are pieces of his life’s jigsaw that he needs to complete his picture.
Older children like to hear other stories – about your childhood and school days, or the antics of their aunts and uncles. Such tales deepen your son’s sense of belonging, as he learns more about what it is he belongs to. Each story will act as a connecting thread that will create a sense of continuity in him. Like a spider’s web, the more linking threads there are, the stronger he will feel.
If you are a parent:
* Get out family photos from time to time; talk about the people and events shown in them; this can fill in gaps in his understanding of family history, generate laughter, lead to further conversations, reinforce your son’s identity and increase his confidence
* Regularly recall past holidays, birthdays or treats that were fun and brought the family together
* If you can, collect and keep for your son items such as favorite toys, books, clothes and first shoes, so that he may revisit the past and bring it to life
* Talk about difficulties; don’t bury them; he has a right to information about himself
If you are a teacher:
* Personal life-lines: in a group, discuss special experiences that have marked students’ lives, and what made them significant, how they felt at the time, etc.; ask each child to draw a vertical line on a large sheet of paper (the line represents their life from birth to the present) and to write their own personal positive and negative events on either side of the line
* Not everyone has a happy family story to tell; focus on good and bad, happy and sad experiences, to ensure a full and realistic picture that leaves no one out
Remember, difficult times need to be talked about too. If you blank them out, it will not only break the thread and leave a gap in his history but also damage his confidence about the future.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Teach Coping and Survival Skills
Posted by: | CommentsThe best way to learn to manage some problems is through experience. Experience lessens fear and also helps to build common sense. Hiding from fears makes them grow. Staying indoors or in a g does not build life or street skills, and wrapping boys, or girls, in cotton wool is not responsible parenting. Getting out and about together, walking, cycling and going on public transport teach road and geographical sense and street awareness; going out for night walks will help your son to respect, but not not fear, the dark.
If you are a parent:
* Useful risk-reducing strategies include: stay in public view and populated places; avoid back stairs and subways; go out in a group (preferably with people you know and trust) and stay in it; carry money safely – a small amount in a purse and the rest elsewhere
* Practice verbal responses too; a sharp word delivered quickly is safer than a punch
* Ask if he’s worried about anything, and discuss it
* It’s important that he feels confident; don’t dent his confidence by raising the spectre of disaster
* If he’s going out drinking, give him a good meal first
If you are a teacher:
* If it is practical, organize a termly ‘walk-to-school’ day or week
* Include safety and survival issues in PSE lessons, but keep all discussions as positive as possible: fear of ‘stranger danger’ can get out of hand and undermine children’s confidence
Staying indoors most of the time does not encourage physical fitness either. The two best defenses against bullying and other dangers a strong bodies and inner confidence. When boys are fit, and able t rely on their natural physical strength, it helps them not only to run away or wriggle free but also to feel confident and come across to others as someone with whom it could be a mistake to tangle.
Discuss different ways of coping with such situations with your sox including how to reduce risk and protect himself.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Talk With Touch and Words
Posted by: | CommentsTouch can reassure as well as relax. A boy who is never touched can feel ignored, ashamed and unworthy. His confusion about his need for the affirmation that is conveyed through affectionate touch may make him less confident about touching others as an adult, either with formal handshakes or in physical shows of affection with his own children and partners.
If you are a parent:
* Little strokes of his forehead, head or hands at bedtime or while watching TV – or just sitting close – can be a way to introduce touch into your relationship
* Experiment with little touches to replace words
* If your son finds being touched difficult or embarrassing, ask him what’s OK and when
* Consider buying him a pet to help him feel comfortable about expressing affection through touch
* Ask your partner to massage, stroke or hug you as a reminder of how good it feels; this may make it easier for you to be more expressive with your son
If you are a teacher:
* Child-protection issues make many teachers reluctant to touch children; in any case, as boys grow older, it becomes increasingly difficult and inappropriate to do so; just standing close to a boy while looking over his work can show you accept him and feel no discomfort in his presence
* Some teachers greet their class of young children individually as they enter the classroom, inviting each boy to choose how he wishes to say hello each time – with a smile, a handshake, or nothing at all if that’s how he feels that day
Touch can communicate better than words. It can say so much, in so many ways, and it is less open to misinterpretation. And it need only take a split second. The positive touch can be a full embrace or an arm round your son’s shoulders; it can ask for nothing in return or seek a simple sign from him that he has acknowledged your gesture. It can demonstrate to him and to others that he belongs to you. It can heal an argument and say you’re sorry. It can console him after a disappointment, show how proud you are, or express equality and partnership. But touch can also hurt. Hitting is hurtful, and merely pushing your son away when you’re angry can signal deep rejection.