Choice is all around us. It’s great, because it gives us more control over our lives. Common sense tells us that children should also have choices, but how much, when and, just as important, why?

In a world of multiple choices, boys need to be able to make informed and responsible decisions. Your son will do this better if he understands his own preferences, is sure enough about them to resist outside pressure, and can think through the consequences of his choices upon himself and others. These thinking and reflective skills should be developed wherever possible.

If you are a parent:

* Younger children can be given some choice about what or how much they want to eat or drink, what they wear, what they play, who they play with and what story they have at bedtime
* Avoid suggesting that they go out and play with someone; allow them to come up with ideas and playmates for themselves
* Older boys can have some choice about, e.g., when and where they do their homework, what (but not how much) TV they watch, what they spend their pocket money on, and so on

If you are a teacher:

* Respect a student’s decisions – don’t ask him what he wants, then ignore his reply
* Choices help to manage behavior in the classroom; say: ‘You can carry on talking and mucking about, or you can get a detention. It’s your choice’

Choice is important because it offers scope for self-determination. It enables a boy to feel he has some control over his life and that he is not powerless and put upon: docility is not a useful quality for the future. Choice also helps to sharpen his sense of himself because it makes him consider what he really wants.

In larger families, meeting everyone’s whims and wishes is usually impossible. It isn’t good for children, or for parents, either. Too much choice can undermine a boy’s sense of self: if he never makes true choices, he won’t discover what he really likes best. He can also become confused and unhappy if he has too many choices about too many things, because he won’t feel that his parents are in charge and family rules will be blurred.

Too much choice can easily lead to arguments, since he won’t realize when his demands go too far. In addition, it allows him to control and manipulate situations; it doesn’t prepare him to cope with disappointment; it may encourage him to become selfish and insensitive to other people’s needs; and it can take responsibility from him because he can always say, ‘Sorry, wrong choice – I’ll have this one/ if he doesn’t like the consequences of his initial decision.

If you are a parent:
* Managed choice means ‘either/or’ decisions; you put limits on the choices, having already decided what you are happy to agree to
* Limited choice means offering these choices only a few times a day
* Avoid open-ended choices; for example, on a cold day, it’s better to say: ‘Would you like to wear your jeans or your tracksuit today?’ in case he chooses shorts, and no more than three items should be on the breakfast menu
* Make sure the choices you offer are realistic
* Boys should not normally be in charge of how the whole family spends its time

If you are a teacher:
* Choice is motivating; boys who are given some choice about what they do and how they do it are often more committed to their work
* Offer choice within project work – not too much or it becomes too hard to start, but enough to foster individuality
* Where there is little scope for choice in lesson work, choice-based activities can be tried, such as ‘If I could be a tree/food/color/musical instrument/car/country/piece of furniture/an animal, I’d be a because…’

In conclusion, to help a boy strengthen and deepen his self-esteem, the choices offered must be both limited and managed.