Archive for happiness
The basics of when cultures act happiness as parents
Posted by: | CommentsIn many ways, cultures and subcultures act like parents. Cultures may be national, racial, or ethnic. Your school, your religion, and your neighborhood are subcultures. There are many more. Each tries to dictate what people are supposed to do or not do. Often mottoes or repetitive phrases reinforce cultural beliefs. Compliance or lack of compliance with these rules determines whether or not a person fits in.
The problem of fitting in is often experienced by children who move from one school to another or by families who move from one part of a country to another. Their life styles and manners may be so different from those in the new situation that they feel like overly critical parents or rejected children. This is changing with the recognition that we live in a multicultural world that has many advantages over parochialism.
Culture shock can be painful or pleasurable, as any traveler knows. Culture shock happens when change is so extreme or rapid that people feel disoriented and out of place. They don’t yet fit into the new scene. They may hear a different language spoken, notice different expectations, come up against different laws. Suddenly, in addition to their own parents and their past “cultural parent,” they have a new cultural parent to cope with.
The same feelings of shock and stress are often experienced when even minor geographical moves are undertaken. For example, transferring from one school to another can be very traumatic if the school culture is different. So can a move from a rural area to a big city, or vice versa. Also, what may seem like a minor move to parents could be a major move to children.
Being of a particular race, religion, class, or ethnic group in a city where the majority of people are different may also lead to confusion or unhappiness. Being part of a dominant group is usually more comfortable than the opposite. Those of the majority often have more opportunities to pursue life, liberty and personal happiness.
People who immigrate to new countries often experience prejudice. Their previous expectations and lifestyles may not fit into their new life. Some adjust. Others do not. They may be apprehensive or critical of new ways and experience despair, or they may be pushy and try to influence others to accept the values they brought with them. They may be ridiculed, ignored, or discriminated against in life-threatening ways. Jobs may be hard to get, language barriers overwhelming, and the new country that was expected to be a liberating home may instead be a confusing, even restricting, one.
In spite of this, the search for happiness goes on. Many continue their old customs and form new subcultures of like-minded people. Others adjust to the new culture either happily or unhappily, depending on many variables and on comparisons made to “the way it was back home.” Gradually the culture shock disappears.
The basics of the three Ps in parent education of happiness
Posted by: | CommentsSome people find parenting to be relatively easy, even enjoyable. Some do not. Your parents may have found parenting difficult and frustrating. If so, they probably lacked one or more of the qualities needed to be good parents. Good parents have three basic qualities that people need to have in the new Parent they create for themselves. These basics are potency, protection, and permission.
Potency is strength. A potent parent is strong in the face of adversity or tragedy, strong when meeting difficult commitments or long-term goals. Being strong does not mean denying or repressing unhappy feelings that may be present. It means going ahead with life in spite of difficulty or negative experiences.
Sometimes going ahead takes courage because there may be a risk of failure. The potent person recognizes this possibility and strives to minimize the risk. He or she also recognizes personal feelings of ambivalence, confusion, or fear and owns up to having them. Owning up to having feelings is not the same as being owned by the feelings. Potent persons are in charge of their own feelings and behavior and they know it. Potent persons also are aware of their belief systems and free to change them when it seems like a good idea.
In self-reparenting, the positive new Parent needs to be more potent than the original parents. If not, the old negative messages may continue to be replayed and the inner Child will continue to listen. A strong new Parent will not allow that to happen or will intervene if it starts to occur. An example of healthy intervention is a parent who turns off the TV if a child is watching an inappropriate program. The potent Parent stops the tape from running or, at least, plays a more positive one that drowns out the noise of the past. When the potent new Parent intervenes to cut off old negative tapes, the Child is protected.
Protection is needed by children in order to feel safe and secure. Without protection they usually become fearful adults who are afraid to risk new ventures and afraid to change old patterns of responses. Or, they become adults who do not trust others and frequently attack or defend against real or imagined insults.
Protection can be given to the inner Child in many ways. The new Parent, for example, may encourage the learning of martial arts to someone who is afraid of being physically attacked or encourage assertiveness in the face of criticism. Some people who have had indifferent or overly indulgent parents feel insecure and in need of protection because reasonable limits were not established for them as children. Perhaps their parents failed to provide curfews, or allowed them to make too many choices for themselves—whether to stay in school or drop out, whether to go to bed or stay up late, and so forth. The effect on children is that they may feel powerless and lack a sense of direction.
The person developing a new Parent needs to decide on reasonable limits that are protective and contribute to an inner security. A new Parent can insist on proper health care—food, exercise, decent living conditions, and work habits. When people feel protected by potent internal or external Parent figures, they then feel as if they have permission to succeed.
Permission is consent or authorization. It can be given verbally, as in “I think it’s great you want to learn something new.” A statement such as this encourages a person to learn and be creative. Permission can also be given nonverbally, as with a pat on the back or a warm smile.
People who are frequently depressed or who feel miserable in some other way or who are self-punitive or punitive against others need the permission from an encouraging Parent to break free of this negative cycle. Other people, who neither succeed nor fail, five lives of boredom or trivia. They also need permission to turn around and pursue a different road that may lead to happiness.
The basics of the pursuit of happiness – positive values with the loss of power
Posted by: | CommentsPowerlessness is generally thought to be a negative concept. But it is not always negative. Brief times of powerlessness may rejuvenate a person’s body mind, and spirit, much like a vacation does.
A period of hopelessness, about a job, a family member, or a living situation may lead to realistic appraisal and acceptance of a situation that cannot be changed. Mental and emotional energy can then be liberated for the development and pursuit of more satisfying and productive goals.
A time of self-doubt and overdependence can lead to analyzing one’s knowledge and value systems. This may result in a new level of intellectual and physical autonomy (as, for example, when deciding to break out of a brutalizing situation). Self-doubt could lead a person to seek education or help from others.
When guilt is experienced, the positive value may be choosing to make amends. From another perspective, a person may discover that many guilt feelings are neurotic and inappropriate. This discovery can lead to taking more initiative in life, instead of waiting for others to set the goals.
Feeling incompetent occasionally can also be useful. If social skills were not mastered between the ages of seven and twelve or even later, a person is likely to feel inferior or shy with others. Observing how other people initiate or respond in social situations can help one develop new skills that increase chances for happiness. Feeling incompetent academically is so common and widely recognized that men and women increasingly return to schools and universities. Learning something new, or getting a longed-for degree, usually increases competence and decreases feelings of inferiority.
The discomfort of reexperiencing adolescent identity confusion often activates the desire for psychotherapy or, at least, introspection about what it means to be a woman instead of a girl, or a man instead of a boy.
Occasionally feeling distant from people, or feeling cold and hateful instead of warm and loving, leads to a crisis. The crisis is a symptom of the need to choose intimacy over isolation and to actively search for people with whom this might be possible.
A change from indiscriminately taking on responsibilities may allow a person to become more appropriately involved with self-interests. Anew experience of self-care may lead to improved health and greater enjoyment, as well as a more accurate view of reality.
Despair, the opposite of hope, is counteracted by the ego integrity that leads to wisdom. Despair can lead to awareness that continuous integration is necessary, even in the later years of life. To integrate is to make whole. It is bringing the parts together, the parts of one’s personality and the parts of one’s total existence.
To be healthy is to recognize holiness as well as wholeness within oneself and the rest of the world. Recognizing holiness includes recognizing the rights all people have for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness with freedom, justice and peace.
The basics of the power of wisdom in the road to pursuing happiness
Posted by: | CommentsEgo integrity versus despair is the crisis that faces people after they reach their sixties. The person who has not solved this crisis is often preoccupied with self, fearful of death, and convinced that life has no meaning. Persons who have met this crisis recognize the value of their chosen lifestyles and take responsibility for what they have done, or not done, with their lives. They have ego integrity, which leads them to wisdom.
Wisdom, the happy combination of knowledge and experience, includes the awareness that life is transitory and death a certainty. So the person of integrity continually searches for the meaning to be found in later years. Long-range achievement is no longer a high priority. Short-range achievable goals take precedence. Long vacations become less important than daily pleasures. With decline in bodily strength, the wise older person is able to utilize available psychological strengths to transcend some physical frailties. A sense of impermanence pervades life. Paradoxically, there is also a sense of permanence, with the awareness that the world will endure whether or not they are there to observe it.
In the process of developing ego integrity, wise elders still pursue liberty and happiness. They often discover a new spiritual dimension to life. They have accepted their parents and stopped blaming them. They’ve stopped blaming themselves for being who they are. With a sense of freedom, they may review developmental crises that were not resolved earlier and change what they can change while they have time. With new wisdom comes a more detached view of life. In the final years the challenge is to meet death with faith, dignity, and a new kind of freedom.
The basics of the power of competence in the pursuit of happiness
Posted by: | CommentsBetween the ages of seven and twelve, the crisis of mastery versus inferiority emerges. The need for mastery arises in two areas. There is a need to master academic challenges and a corresponding need to master social challenges.
Mastery in academics is possible during these years because children are developmentally ready for active learning and are able to focus their attention. They are also more capable of social success at this age. All-boy groups and all-girl groups are typical. There is more freedom from home control and more chance to learn how to interact with others.
Children who are not successful in their efforts to master the academic and social challenges usually experience a painful sense of inferiority when they are out in the world. They feel very awkward instead of competent. If they feel awkward, they may withdraw from interaction with peers and become loners, using their time as bookworms or TV addicts. Later in life, such a person may have few (or no) friends, may work at something that calls for being alone, and may continue to feel inferior to others and not know what to do about it.
Some children who feel inferior begin to act in aggressive or delinquent ways, cutting school or failing academically. Later, they may continue delinquent behavior. Children who succeed socially and fail academically may continually seek out others. They may feel incompetent at making choices and may only do so with others who are willing to lead while they follow.
Building a sense of competence can be very difficult. For example, the person who feels inferior in academics may need to develop sports abilities or interests in various hobbies. The person who feels inferior in interpersonal relations may need to join some kind of program that provides opportunities for a gradual emerging of social skills. People with very high intelligence sometimes decide to focus their interests in areas in which they are most competent. They may recognize, painfully, that the number of people they can relate to at an intense intellectual level is not as high as they wish.
The basics of the power of caring in pursuit of happiness
Posted by: | CommentsBetween the ages of thirty and sixty the critical decision is whether to give parental care to others of a younger generation or whether to stagnate in self-indulgence. The successful resolution to this crisis is the development of the power of caring.
Generativity is the word for active concern for the next generation. This is not the same as having children. Some people who have children have little concern for them or for the world in which they live; they consider their children to be like attractive jewels for them to show off, or beasts of burden to be put to work doing chores.
Parents like this do not think about the human species as a whole. They do not accept the importance of children in the growth of a community, the importance of children playing, or the importance of children being with peers so that they can develop more social competence. They do not care about the next generation. Their primary concern is for themselves.
Sometimes when children grow up, move out of the home, and do not need their parents to the degree they did as children, the parents sink into depression. They suffer from identity confusion because their identity has been too closely associated with taking care of the family.
You don’t have to give birth to children to offer the care that is characteristic of generativity. Working with young people, being a good role model, or taking an active interest in the lives of young friends are all efforts at caring for the next generation. And, of course, those who care for the future of our planet—environmentalists, for example—are showing concern for the next generation.
Care is an ever-widening concern for others, not just family members. It may or may not involve physical caring out of a sense of duty. It does involve action. Truly concerned people who care are powerful people. They put their caring into action. They become involved in issues of social change and acknowledge people’s rights to liberty and the pursuit of happiness. They have a healthy need to be needed, and a need to leave the world a better place for having been a part of its growing and healing.
When people are not willing to be involved in generativity by showing care for the next generation, they often find others are not concerned about them. Not caring, they become stagnant like marsh water without movement. They are progressively less interested in others, locked into self-absorption, self-pity, or self-adoration. Frequently their only concern is for their own satisfaction, physical health, or financial wealth.
The basics of the key to happiness – laughter is the medicine that heals
Posted by: | CommentsJust as forgiving oneself and others is curative medicine and cause for celebration, healthy laughter activates the chemistry for the will to live. It often reflects joy and insight, attracts friends and lovers, breaks tension in uncomfortable social situations and seemingly increases the capacity to fight against disease. By expanding the chest and increasing respiration, laughter relaxes the body and helps stimulate good health. Laughter also releases the capacity to enjoy other people, because the universal ability to play, to create, and to have fun is liberating.
One of the signs of good mental health is the capacity to laugh at yourself. A healthy laugh is not a laugh of ridicule. It can be a laugh of insight when the cause or the solution to a problem is suddenly clear. It can be like the laugh of pleased parents who are enjoying the first steps of a child. It can be a laugh of delight between friends or an invitation between lovers.
What people laugh at differs from century to century, from culture to culture, and even from one stage of life to another. And, part of being human is accepting the fact that what is funny to one person is often not funny to another. Yet healthy, open-minded laughter is contagious, and healthy laughter celebrates the right to happiness.
Do you remember a time when you watched a funny movie or read a funny story? Do you remember how good your body felt after a deep laugh? Do you remember how clearly you experienced yourself and the rest of the world at that time?
These experiences are easy to reproduce. You can choose to laugh. Even if nothing is funny, you can laugh and your body will feel more relaxed. When you laugh, you will feel less emotional tension. You can laugh at all the absurdities of life—even at yourself. A good new Parent will encourage you in healthy laughter.
The basics of the key to happiness – how to discover your powers
Posted by: | CommentsFrom Inferiority to Competence
Between the ages of seven and twelve, you may have felt competent in some situations and incompetent or inferior in others. In this exercise, explore how you handled the basic academic and social challenges.
- Academic challenges in childhood:
- Achieved mastery or didn’t:
- How I felt and acted:
- Effect on my life:
- Social challenges in childhood:
- Achieved mastery or didn’t:
- How I felt and acted:
- Effect on my life:
Now consider your current intellectual and social challenges and note whether they are related to both your childhood urge for independence and your childhood attempts to master academic and social skills. How can a new Parent help you now?
- Current intellectual and social challenges:
- How they are or are not related to childhood:
- If I became a mentor, a coach or new Parent to myself, how might doing so help me in facing and dealing with intellectual and social challenges:
Identity and Self-Affirmation
In your teen years, you probably felt comfortable about yourself in some ways and not in others. Since then, you may have changed your mind, but how did you evaluate yourself at the time? Using the areas of concern below, list whether you were confused, somewhat uncomfortable, or accepting of yourself in your teen years.
- My appearance:
- My sexual identity:
- My capacity to think:
- My friendships:
- My home environment:
- My skills in sports:
- My skills in music:
- My skills in…:
If during your teenage years you were not comfortable with yourself, have you gained knowledge and appreciation of yourself since then?
If not, what do you need now from an internal and healthy new Parent, or a new coach or mentor figure?
From Loneliness to Intimacy
Loneliness is painful. It is first experienced in infancy. Usually, it is due to being isolated or ignored. When children’s needs are not met and closeness to parents does not develop, a child does not learn how to trust. Mistrust and loneliness become unpleasant yet familiar feelings.
In later life, loneliness is often expected. Intimacy may be avoided or restricted because of the early basic lack of trust.
- Specific people I wanted to be close to:
- What I did to encourage or avoid intimacy:
- The emotional effect of these relationships:
If you have a habit of developing relationships with others that do not last, is this related to some earlier issues around trust and mistrust?
- Do you select persons who are not trustworthy?
- Do you act in ways that alienate people?
If either of these is true, what could a new Parent tell you that could help you to could sustain love?
The Need for Balance
Whether to stay self-centered or reach out caringly to others is a question many people need to ask themselves. The opportunity comes especially in the middle years between ages 30 and 60.
Consider your current lifestyle and activities. Do you need to change your focus?
- My activities that are primarily self-centered:
- My activities that are primarily other-centered:
- Activities that involve both myself and others:
Is there a balance of some kind between what you do and how you act that is primarily for you and primarily for others?
If your activities and actions seem out of balance, what do you need from a new Parent to create balance?
To Be an Elder or to Be Elderly
The young find it almost impossible to comprehend what it is like to get old. Avoidance and denial are common barriers to thinking and planning for those years. When planning is done, it often is only in terms of having enough money and physical health to maintain life.
Historically, the title “elder” has been used for confidential advisors who are experienced and therefore valued for wise advice. Some cultures respect their elders and the wisdom they have accumulated; other cultures do not.
Some individuals or cultures seem to magnify the importance of money and productivity and deny the value of wisdom. However, as the so-called Baby Boomer generation gets older, that orientation may change.
The basics of the key to happiness – don’t lose the energy to celebrate
Posted by: | CommentsInstead of celebrating, many successful people hide their successes. They refuse to celebrate and to feel happy, frequently using one of the following excuses: Their success is not really important and they may be ridiculed or ignored; their success will make someone jealous, and a friendship or work relationship may be harmed; they will be expected to perform still another task, and to perform it even more successfully; they are angry at someone or at a situation or even angry at the world; they fear it might take too much time away from their pursuit of other goals; they feel they do not deserve recognition and joy, either because they have failed in some other way or because “anything good that happens is just luck.”
Regardless of what excuse a person may use, avoiding celebration is a denial of the potential excitement of living. Feelings of happiness that well up from a person’s inner core deserve recognition.
Unfortunately, people often avoid celebrations because they have experienced a loss of energy. They feel so debilitated that they do not expect to enjoy celebrating. It is important to recognize that whether or not you will enjoy a celebration is often not a matter of energy, but a matter of choice.
Sometimes not enjoying a celebration is normal. When people are shocked by bad news or are seriously ill, celebrations become low priority. People often need and want to conserve energy to cope with the stress they are experiencing.
In some cases celebrations need to be postponed. Yet, at other times, just looking around to see how much there is in life to feel good about will provide the energy needed to celebrate.
Energy for celebrating may be especially low when traditions are too restrictive and act like a dam holding back energy. In many families and cultures there are laws or customs that spell out the details of celebrations. Like dams, customs may restrict the free flow of energy until pressure builds up and a break occurs.
In today’s world of increasing cross-cultural families and multicultural workplaces, if people from one culture hold on vociferously to the beliefs and lifestyles with which they grew up, they are likely to miss opportunities to discover other forms of happiness.
People experience a loss of energy when they are continually drained by the demands they put upon themselves or accept from others. They won’t say “no.” They habitually put others first, try to please everyone, and do more than their share of work. These people are likely to prepare too hard for a celebration and become so stressed out that they don’t enjoy it, or they don’t get enough rest before a celebration. Afterward, having met too many obligations, they feel drained.
They could choose to say “no” to some demands made upon them. They could work easy instead of hard. They could take more time to enjoy life and to avoid feeling drained. They could be assertive on behalf of themselves. A good new Parent would encourage this.
Anxiety lowers energy levels. Many events cause anxiety and doubt. Parties, in particular, seem to bring out high levels of stress and anxiety in some people. They may worry about their appearance, the refreshments, what the neighbors might think, or who to invite. Worrying unnecessarily depletes energy and often doesn’t leave us capable of enjoying ourselves.
The desire to be perfect is also energy depleting. People can choose. They can remind themselves that nothing has to be perfect. Joy is not based on perfection. It is based on being open to the wonders of the universe and to the wonders of relationships. A good new Parent will encourage this openness.
The basics of the key to happiness – design specific goals to achieve
Posted by: | CommentsAfter determining the general area of life where change is wanted, the next step is to focus on specifics. For example, persons who are dissatisfied with their educational backgrounds may need to clarify and specify what they want instead. Do they wish they had studied in a different field or gone to a different school or applied themselves more seriously to the courses they took? They need to decide on specific goals that, if achieved, would make up for what they consider to be deficits in their education.
As another example, persons who are dissatisfied with their general physical health may need to be very clear and specific on what they want instead. Do they want to lose weight or gain weight? If so, how many pounds? They will also need to analyze themselves to determine whether they are motivated enough to keep their own commitments to some form of self-care such as dieting or exercising.
If you are dissatisfied with your family life or social life or sexual life, what exactly do you want instead? What goal and goal specifics would enhance your life and have the potential for success?
It is not enough to want to be happier. Happiness can be in the planning, it can be in the pursuit, or it can come with achievement, but being happier takes goal specifics, commitment, and action.
If, time after time, people make promises to themselves and then break them, it means the promises have likely been built on grandiose expectations or insufficient commitment, not reality. Specific goals can only be reached if the expectations are reasonable and meet some of the needs and wants of the inner Child to be cared for and respected.