Archive for happy
The basics of the power of hope makes you happy
Posted by: | CommentsThe first developmental crisis that confronts each infant between birth and one-and-a-half years old is trust versus mistrust of parents. If nurturing, warm, affectionate care is given, if the immediate environment and the parent figures are experienced as dependable, children learn to trust and consequently are optimistic. They become hopeful because their earliest significant parent figures are reliable and caring.
Hope is the virtue or power that develops from the successful resolution of the internal conflict about whether it is safe to trust parents. Hope is the belief that certain wishes are attainable in spite of everything. Once established as part of the personality of the child, hope can later sustain a person even when trust seems unrealistic. The capacity to hope is at the center of being human. It is a feeling or belief that solutions to most problems are possible and that dreams for a better future have a chance of being realized.
When people are without hope, they lose interest in the future and often lose the energy to face even simple daily tasks. Of course, some things cannot be changed no matter how high the hope. At a time like that, trusting persons, in spite of unhappiness, still hope to make the best of the situation.
Some of these people may be overly trusting. They see the world through rose-colored glasses. Life may have been “ideal” when they were children, so they trust everyone and continue to trust them when clear evidence shows some people are not trustworthy. Gullible and naive, unwilling to think critically about a person or situation, these people may collapse when they recognize the truth.
People who do not gain a basic sense of trust in infancy and thus develop the power of hope, may go through life feeling incomplete, empty, and distrustful of others. Those who do experience basic trust early in life may, in the process of growing up, lose it because of some tragedy or crisis. They may then live life feeling deeply lonely, wondering whether it is ever safe to trust again.
The inability to trust often leads to a pervading sense of depression that interferes with healthy development. Children, who are abandoned, whether by death or desertion, also may lack the strength to trust and hope unless they have loyal substitute parents. Children who are consistently ignored, seldom touched, brutalized, or starved may not develop at a normal rate.
In later life, such people may expect others to ignore them or be untrustworthy in some other way. Because of this underlying fear, they may choose as spouse or friend someone who is actually trustworthy and then act in such negative ways that the other person leaves the relationship out of desperation. Or, without ample degrees of trust and hope, they may cling to someone from an overly dependent position that restricts their own freedom to develop autonomy.
The basics of showing your success when you are happy
Posted by: | CommentsSuccess is not something that is easily hidden. It shows in many ways. Sometimes it can be seen in someone’s improved health—in the new sparkle in the eyes or the bounce in the walk. Sometimes it shows in a changed lifestyle, in the better use of time and the enjoyment of both work and play. Sometimes it shows in the use of money, finally spending it wisely instead of with credit-card impulsiveness or miser-like hoarding. Sometimes success shows in changed relationships with others. Destructive relationships may be discarded and life-enhancing relationships may be developed and cherished. Success shows in any area of life when goals to improve that part of life are established and achieved.
It is important to be clear on how you will know when you reach your goal. The achievement of some goals is obvious. For example, if you are going for a university degree, your goal will obviously be reached when you get your diploma. If you are applying for a new job, your success will show when you get it. If your goal is to lose weight, you will know you have been successful when you buy clothing that is a smaller size. However, the achievement of other goals may be far more difficult to determine. For example, if you have self-contracted with yourself to show less anger over small annoyances in life or if you are attempting to change your relationship with your children to create more positive communication, these goals will often be matters of subjective interpretation. Create signposts—such as a full week without falling back into negative patterns—on your route to success so that you will recognize progress toward your goals.
Reward yourself with a smile when you manage to keep one of your contracts. In fact, why not tell someone else about it who will join you in a smile, give you a pat on the back, and offer praise?
The basics of no words communication also making your children happy
Posted by: | CommentsEveryone was once an infant and may occasionally respond to life experiences totally at the feeling level—nonverbally, with cries, screams, or gurgles of delight.
Such regression can occur during times of stress or crisis, when a person may feel helpless, unable to think or even talk. Reliving traumatic childhood experiences, perhaps in trance or hypnotic states, may also induce regression. At such times the person may feel totally incapacitated and unable to take appropriate action. The Child who has no words needs an inner Parent who is encouraging and supportive instead of critical or sadistic.
During the time the new Parent is being constructed, the rational, clear-thinking Adult part of the personality must be in charge. The new Parent under construction is unable to provide enough protection and support. The logical thought, analysis of a situation, and a safe resolution of difficulties must be provided by the Adult ego state in order to protect the Child. It must not seem to be deserting or abandoning the Child. The inner Child will know if that occurs and will return to its previous unhappy state.
To avoid this, a person’s Adult needs to be in continuing contact with the Child, offering logical and sane resolution methods to challenging situations that may arise. Sometimes it helps people to hold a pillow in their arms and rock back and forth. This is an aid to the Child, who begins to experience (or re-experience) much-needed nurturing and the support of a loving new Parent.
The basics of learning to be happy – fieldwork on parenting
Posted by: | CommentsOne of the most effective ways to develop a new Parent is to do “fieldwork” on actual parenting. You actually go out into the field (the community or the real world) to observe methods of parenting and determine how they can be improved. An internship or apprenticeship, where a person is actually doing work under supervision, could be called field work. Many professions require this as part of their training.
In previous generations, apprenticeship or internship in parenting was common. Large families and relatively stable neighborhoods enabled people to observe parenting and decide whether it was adequate or not. Today families are smaller and many people have less time for parenting because they are juggling priorities. Traditional parent education, intrinsic in most cultures, is disappearing today. Because of this, people who are reparenting themselves may know very little about being a parent. That is where the parenting field work comes in. It begins with planned observation.
Planned observation includes going to places where people are parenting young children and observing what is going on—both positive and negative. Supermarkets or department stores are rich fields for observation. Sometimes the parents are harried and the children look hurried, helpless, and hopeless. Sometimes both look happy. Nursery schools and playgrounds reveal a more structured facet of child rearing that involves directed play. This kind of observation can be very useful if you want to be a better new Parent to yourself.
Another way to further understand how to develop your new Parent is to read books on child development, particularly on developing a child’s self-esteem. Throughout your study, ask yourself “What am I learning that is new and positive that I could begin to apply to myself?” “What kind of parenting education do I need that will enhance my ability to be happy?”
The basics of learning to be happy – education in feeling
Posted by: | CommentsIt is impossible to consider all the feelings or emotions that people have and how they can be recognized and dealt with. Yet, the new Parent is likely to need some guidance on the subject.
In one way or another, verbally or nonverbally, many children receive parental messages such as “Don’t feel” or “Don’t let your feelings show.” Some children are encouraged to express their feelings, but others are not. They may be conditioned to be scared, yet not allowed to show it, with threats like “If you go on crying, I’ll really give you something to cry about.” Another way parents educate children about feelings is more subtle. They make statements such as “Big boys don’t cry” or “Nice girls don’t get angry.” These messages need to be updated with statements such as “Boys can cry sometimes; it’s natural” and “Girls do get angry sometimes, it’s natural.” All feelings are natural and need to be expressed and respected.
In response to being manipulated by parents, growing children learn to manipulate themselves and their feelings. In choosing whether to feel angry or sad, they may habitually choose how they felt in childhood. They may believe they have no choice except to be possessed by their negative feelings. However, feelings cannot possess anyone. Instead, people possess their feelings, and they have many choices about how to respond.
It is not unusual for children whose parent figures act hysterical or “crazy” to decide not to show any feelings. They may be afraid that they will go crazy if they let go. It is also common for people to block their tears, fearing that if they start crying, their tears will be seen as a mark of weakness or become a waterfall that never ends.
Many physical illnesses are created or made worse by negative feelings, by continuing stress, and by psychological problems. Psychotherapy may sometimes enhance a person’s health and wellness. Some indications for psychotherapy are intense anxiety, with sweating and faintness; sleep disturbance; substance abuse, including excessive use of alcohol; a sense of impending disaster; suspiciousness or fatigue when there seems to be no cause; obsessiveness; destructiveness to self, others, or property; loss of memory; inappropriate behavior or speech; apathy or impaired functioning. These symptoms, experienced at a fairly low level of intensity are fairly common. When the symptoms interfere with a sense of freedom and an active search for happiness, professional help is needed.
The basics of how to be happy when dialogue is only monologue
Posted by: | CommentsDialogue is the open give and take of information, ideas, and even dreams. When people are truly in dialogue, they understand each other. However, much talk that goes on between people is monologue disguised as dialogue. Those involved are so preoccupied with what they want to say that they do not really listen to each other.
Monologic conversation is expressed in four ways: when thoughts are pointedly expressed without consideration for the other person, when each talks without purpose except to make some kind of impression, when each considers his own opinions to be right and the other person’s opinions to be doubtful, when each talks about his own experiences without caring about the other.
In monologue, people talk past each other instead of to each other. Instead of actually listening, they are planning what they are going to say when the other person stops talking or they are planning how to avoid another encounter.
In contrast, people who are in a genuine dialogic relationship with each other have a sense of “we.” This may be temporary or continuing. When it exists, each feels open to the other and honestly connected. This is ideal for a parent-child relationship and inner Parent to inner Child conversation. Each is truly willing to listen to the other and share information as well as hopes and dreams. It also is an achievable ideal for an inner Parent and inner Child relationship. In the process of self-reparenting a new Parent can be created with the genuine dialogic ability to listen with love.
The basics of how to be happy – tough love and tender love
Posted by: | CommentsEach of us needs an internalized Parent who supports us in being and doing. Learning how to balance being and doing requires skill. Like a gymnast who knows the value of balance, a person in the process of self-parenting needs a new Parent who will encourage both.
Unless both being and doing are encouraged and developed, happiness is always an elusive butterfly, just out of reach.
Sometimes, in childhood, being is stressed by adoring, overly nurturing parents. As a result, their children often feel entitled to everything they desire and are not motivated to establish goals that call for personal initiative or effort. They want what they want when they want it. They may become so self-centered that they need a new Parent who will use tough love.
People who have been overindulged typically act on impulse and may be inconsistent or unreliable. They often undermine their own success by doing such things as speaking without thinking, acting without planning, or spending money without budgeting. They want to do what they want without regard for other people, want love without acting lovable, want happiness without commitment, want freedom without responsibility. These people need firm a new Parent who will help them regulate their behavior.
The opposite type of person needs a tender new Parent. This is often true of those who have had brutal, overly strict, or highly critical parents who demanded perfect performance. These people need affirmation for being alive and being who they are, not just recognition for doing chores or school tasks.
Many people imagine they need tender, encouraging love when they may actually need tough love. You need tender, encouraging love if you were not affirmed for being you and if you frequently experience a sense of despair or depression. You need firm, perhaps tough, love if your capacities for achievement, for independent thinking, and for action were not encouraged, if you act passive instead of assertive, or if you procrastinate often. When people identify whether they need tender or tough love, they take charge of their lives and take responsibility for their own happiness.
The basics of the four categories of emotions – mad, sad, scared, or happy
Posted by: | CommentsFor convenience, feelings can be grouped into four basic categories: mad, sad, scared, and happy. Children use simple words to talk about how they feel. More sophisticated words come later when vocabulary increases and nuances surface. Within each category of feelings—mad, sad, scared, and happy—words reflect many levels of intensity. For example, when people say they are mad at someone, the feeling may be a frustration, which is a fairly low level of anger, or it may be rage, a much more intense level.
The value of expressing anger is often debated. When anger is released, more energy is available. Sometimes, getting angry is a healthy response to a serious threat and may even be lifesaving. Sometimes anger can be life-threatening as is the case on crowded freeways when road rage may cause someone to act unsafely or improperly.
Many professionals encourage the outward expression of anger because it becomes self-destructive when turned inward. Yelling, while pounding pillows, is a common therapeutic technique used to release hostile feelings.
Manipulation through anger is not uncommon. Persons who are easily angered often justify it on the grounds that it is effective. Like three-year-olds having temper tantrums to manipulate parents, they may get what they want in the short term. Most grown-ups eventually discover that this not an effective way to increase their long-term happiness.
Based on personal or cultural values, most people believe they are entitled to get angry about certain things and are self-righteous in doing so. Whether or not they have the right, excess anger is often accompanied by feelings of guilt or depression. The new Parent needs to recognize this and to set firm limits on the inner Child, so that rage is not expressed in destructive ways.
Sadness is another basic category and can also be related to cultural values. For example, in some cultures people laugh at bad luck, in others they swear, in still others they cry. Sadness includes feelings such as grief, loneliness, despair, and depression. Sadness is debilitating, and when people experience it deeply, they may withdraw physically or emotionally, thinking “I can’t go on” or “I have nothing left to give” or “I don’t want to live if it’s going to be like this.” Depression is the most widespread and serious form of sadness. Sometimes it has a biological or biochemical basis. Sometimes, it is due to a negative view of oneself or the world. Depression can be caused by a conflict of values or the inability to make a decision. Also, people who are afraid of the intensity of their anger may find it safer to block it out and feel depressed.
Substituting one feeling for another usually occurs without any conscious effort. In any event, the basic problem remains unsolved. Whatever the cause, depression represents a depth of sadness that is the opposite of happiness, just as despair is the opposite of hope.
Grief is another form of sadness. It occurs when people experience a major loss, and it is a natural response, especially after the loss of friends or family. In addition, the loss of some bodily function, a lifetime dream, a job, a home, a pet, or a prized possession often elicits sadness or grief.
When grieving, people experience physical symptoms of distress, such as headaches, insomnia, loss of appetite, or stomachaches. They may feel panic because of the inability to think. They may feel guilt, resentment, or hostility and be unable to accomplish routine tasks.
Like sadness and grief, feeling scared also has levels of intensity ranging from apprehension through anxiety, fear, terror, and panic. There is a natural apprehension before taking an exam or making an important speech or performing in some way that is subject to other people’s judgment. Although some people are not apprehensive before these kinds of events, others experience anxiety or actual fear. Those who are most afraid may expect to be emotionally hurt or judged inadequate. They believe that criticism will somehow reduce their personal strength and lower their self-esteem.
Anxiety is a generalized feeling, perhaps overall nervousness, rather than an identifiable specific feeling like fear. Anxiety can be a response to the past, the present, or the future. It often produces physical symptoms like tics, headaches, or agitation. A person may feel anxious without knowing why. Negative fantasies increase the anxiety level and can be overpowering. The person suffering anxiety may be afraid of “falling apart.” As a result, some people ridicule themselves or are ridiculed by others: “You dummy, there’s nothing to be worried about.”
Fear is more painful than anxiety. It is both more immediate and future-oriented. It occurs when there is an expectation that something very bad is going to happen. People with this expectation may also feel horror, loathing, dread, or panic.
Fear is a natural response to threatening situations. However, fear that was appropriate in the past is sometimes carried over into later life. When this occurs, people are fearful when there isn’t anything to be afraid of. They may try to avoid any person or situation even remotely similar to what was feared in the past. If the fear becomes very intense, a person may experience overwhelming terror, collapse physically or emotionally, and become unable to cope with daily tasks or decide on long-range goals.
People who are frequently fearful, yet able to control it somewhat, go through life procrastinating to avoid making wrong choices. They may get mad at themselves or be sad for not being different. A potent new Parent is needed to protect the scared person (who might need to uncover and confront the original sources of fear).
Everyone wants to feel happy more often and for longer periods of time. Happiness has levels of intensity, just as the other basic feelings do. Satisfaction, contentment, and pleasure are at one level. Delight, elation, bliss, and ecstasy are at higher levels of intensity.
One of the characteristics of intense happiness is that it does not last. It either becomes less intense (though still pleasurable) or is negatively transformed. The transformation can be due to changes in the external situation, such as waking up happy then going to work and being fired. On the other hand, changes may be due to internal dynamics, such as being ill or even feeling guilty for being happy. It is the job of the new Parent to clear away the negative attitudes that prevent us from having more and more happiness in our lives.
The basics of creativity and logical thinking in learning to be happy
Posted by: | CommentsThe capacity to think is an important tool that helps liberate people from unhappiness. Developing a new inner Parent involves both creative and logical thinking. Creative thinking includes fantasizing about what an ideal inner Parent could be. Logical thinking involves analyzing old parental figures and deciding what and how to add a new inner Parent to the space filled by flawed parents of the past.
One of the important discoveries made within the past few years is that people use the left and right sides of their brain for different kinds of thinking. The right side is more involved with creative holistic thinking and the left with logical, analytical thinking.
Some people do not trust the potential of their creative thinking and exaggerate the value of being logical. They may view creative thinking as being speculative, lacking precision, or as characteristic of dreamers. They often fail to see that their pride in being logical may really be part of a grandiose fantasy they have designed to enhance their own self-esteem.
The opposite can also be true. Some people only pride themselves on their creative thoughts.
They do not see that ignoring their capacities to think logically is likely to lead to a life that is out of balance.
Both kinds of thinking are valuable. When balancing a checkbook, the logical skill of analyzing costs and expenditures is useful. However, a creative form of budgeting might solve fiscal problems or increase potential savings. Some people obviously do this better than others.
Both logical and creative thinking are influenced by genetic inheritance, childhood conditioning, adult experience, and education. Although it is generally agreed that intelligence is partly genetic, it has also been proven that intelligence can be raised or lowered during a life span. This depends on motivation, skills, and opportunities for growth and development.
Yet some scholars, such as Howard Gardner, believe there are different kinds of intelligence. High intelligence in one area may not mean a person is competent in other ways. Someone with high mathematical intelligence may lack the kind of musical intelligence shown by great musicians or lack the spatial capacities of architects or the mental capacities professional athletes draw upon to accomplish great physical feats.
Furthermore, having so-called high intelligence does not mean a person will usually think logically or will develop constructive plans of action or be concerned with the happiness of others. Some very intelligent people are clever crooks! Others ignore the information they gather because it does not agree with a personal bias. Furthermore, logical thinking may be labeled “illogical” if it does not coincide with cultural norms.
Whether thinking is logical or illogical, positive or negative, it can nevertheless be creative. Creativity is expressed when the person puts together objects, facts, ideas, feelings, or behaviors in new ways. Creative thinkers don’t agree with the commonly held belief that if certain things haven’t been done, they can’t be done. They trust themselves to think for themselves and redecide poor decisions made in the past. They certainly don’t agree with the belief that parents have the sole right to determine their children’s future simply because they have done so throughout the years in many cultures.
The basics of being happy – the essence of self-reparenting
Posted by: | CommentsSelf-reparenting is a new theory and procedure for changing the Parent ego state. It has been tested and proven by standardized psychological tests to be effective. It is an action plan that you can use to reprogram yourself.
We have all been partially programmed, even before birth. Now, in the age of technology and the expanding use of computers, we recognize that with specific software we can interact with the computer’s hardware to perform specific tasks. For example, with a word-processing program we can change the text of what we put down on paper. Remnants of the old text may be saved, but the new text will be different according to the choices we make.
A similar process goes on in self-reparenting. The word “self” is important because it indicates that you will decide for yourself what you need to delete, change, or add to the Parent ego state part of your personality so you feel encouraged and able to pursue new happiness.
Based on your own decision to update your old inner Parent, the program uses specific procedures so that you can decrease the power past parent figures have over you. You can create and add additional parent figures, such as a coach who can train your inner Child how to win as an individual in the pursuit of happiness, or win as part of a team. Or, you can create and add a mentor who may be more like a teacher to you as an individual, but who can also instruct you on how to win in your search.
In self-reparenting, you may or may not choose to discard specific positive or negative remnants of your historical parent figures that are now in the Parent part of your personality.
Instead, you will add an extra new parent figure that you create for yourself and who will have positive qualities your own parents might not have had, or might have had but did not express to you. The positive qualities of this new part of your personality will be the ones you decide you want to develop in order to enhance your life in ways that lead to happiness.
Some characteristics in your Parent ego state are okay. Other characteristics may not be. With self-reparenting, you will be able to turn off your internal, outdated programs that contain negative qualities that might interfere with your continuing growth and happiness. This will add to your strengths. You will learn how to be more effective in taking charge of your life and changing what you decide you want to change.