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The Basics of Developing Perseverance For Your Teen Boy: Help Him to See Tasks Through
Posted by: | CommentsBoys have a particular problem with seeing things through. Girls are more persistent, dogged, and dutiful about doing things they have been asked to do, even if they find the task boring. They seem to be able to wait longer for a reward. Boys become bored more easily, and are less inclined to put up with poor-quality teaching or coaching that does not provide variety and stimulation.
Perseverance – or ‘stickability’ – is important. The best-laid plans can come to nothing without it. The motivation may be strong, and the target may be clear, but if a boy doesn’t have the stamina to stay the course when he comes up against an obstacle, the work he has already invested may be wasted.
If you are a parent:
* If he gets stuck, don’t belittle or hand him the answers, but lead him so that he can find them himself and gain confidence to try next time; then back off
* When he shows signs of flagging, take an interest in him and ask him to read to you, show you what he’s done, or tell you what he has enjoyed and found difficult
* If you use rewards, offer small short-term ones, not a big one a long time away in the future
* Ensure that targets are reachable in his eyes, and that he makes a feasible plan
If you are a teacher:
* Boys need work, and rewards, delivered in short, sharp chunks; keep all targets in clear view, with clear routes to each one, so that their interest does not wane
* If a student gets stuck or loses interest in a project, jointly prepare a plan of re-engagement
* Delay work that requires deeper concentration until later in the lesson, when the boys’ interest has been sharpened
* Introduce variety into lessons and divide them into defined phases; include hands-on activities, quizzes and regular summaries of what’s been achieved in each phase
Boys may give up easily because they lack confidence. If you recognize this pattern, build up their self-belief at every opportunity.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Cut Down on Criticism
Posted by: | CommentsJimmy was ten, and doing well in school, to the delight of his parents. Then he overheard his mum chatting to a friend whose son was struggling. Jimmy’s mum didn’t want to upset her friend further by parading his success, so she replied, when asked, ‘Oh, our Jimmy’s no good at anything!’ These few words had a devastating effect, destroying his confidence. He never trusted himself again and dropped out of college ten years later. Only then did Jimmy and his mum learn the truth from each other, but it was too late.
If you are a parent:
- Select one behavior at a time and ignore the rest; piling on the criticism will make him resentful and uncooperative
- Accentuate the positive – say what you want done, and choose a day when you comment only on the good things
- Try to stop watching and judging, because this implies you are also controlling and mistrustful
- Banish humiliating phrases such as: ‘I can’t take you anywhere,’ ‘I wish you’d never been born’ and ‘You make me sick’
If you are a parent:
- Teachers’ words can hurt as much as anybody’s
- Like criticism, teasing, sarcasm, ridicule, shouting and blame are put-downs which hurt, shame, degrade, damage and humiliate; they sap motivation and morale and are never justified
- It takes four ‘praises’ to undo the harm of one destructive criticism
- Turn your don’ts into do’s
- Doubts are more cruel than the worst of truths – keep a boy’s self-doubt at bay
Adults are usually totally unaware of the destructive impact of their careless words, which can do untold damage. Even an occasional statement can destroy a future by allowing self-doubt to take root, and boys are as sensitive to criticism as girls. Constant carping and criticism lead to self-doubt and guilt about letting parents down. If a boy fails to please, he’ll assume he disappoints; and eventually he’ll feel totally useless and rejected, though he will probably hide it well.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Make Him Feel He Belongs
Posted by: | CommentsHuman beings have a profound need to feel they belong somewhere and to someone. Your son’s first need will be to feel loved by the two people who made him, but as he grows up, the more friends, groups and institutions he feels a bond with and can identify with, the deeper will be his sense of self. Fitting in somewhere says something about who he is and reassures him that there are others like him. Belonging to a family, a social or ethnic group, a club or school, or a place of worship, also means that he is wanted, accepted and acceptable. It provides him with guidelines about who he is and how he should behave.
If you are a parent:
* Tell him family stories, so that he knows his and your roots
* Include him in as many family events as possible
* Understand how fashion and uniforms can be symbols of belonging, and help him to ‘fit in’ – provided it fits in with your family budget
* Let him attend big school events such as fetes and concerts so that he feels he belongs there
* Be on the look-out for signs of ‘aloneness’; suggest that he join a sports or social club or youth group if he spends a lot of time alone
If you are a teacher:
* Circle time and similar arrangements can reinforce group identity and make each child feel an equal member of the class
* Stable groups allow a clear identity to form; staff and student changes and regroupings should be minimized for boys who may be especially vulnerable
* Where there is a high turnover of students throughout the year (known as ‘turbulence’), constant efforts will be required to re-establish the coherence of the class group
If a boy grows up without any sense of belonging to his family or school, if he feels rejected – for example, because of heavy criticism -he is likely to seek acceptance and a sense of membership elsewhere. He will seek groups of boys who have opted out of trying to please, and gain pleasure and status in unacceptable ways.