Archive for key
The basics of the key to happiness – laughter is the medicine that heals
Posted by: | CommentsJust as forgiving oneself and others is curative medicine and cause for celebration, healthy laughter activates the chemistry for the will to live. It often reflects joy and insight, attracts friends and lovers, breaks tension in uncomfortable social situations and seemingly increases the capacity to fight against disease. By expanding the chest and increasing respiration, laughter relaxes the body and helps stimulate good health. Laughter also releases the capacity to enjoy other people, because the universal ability to play, to create, and to have fun is liberating.
One of the signs of good mental health is the capacity to laugh at yourself. A healthy laugh is not a laugh of ridicule. It can be a laugh of insight when the cause or the solution to a problem is suddenly clear. It can be like the laugh of pleased parents who are enjoying the first steps of a child. It can be a laugh of delight between friends or an invitation between lovers.
What people laugh at differs from century to century, from culture to culture, and even from one stage of life to another. And, part of being human is accepting the fact that what is funny to one person is often not funny to another. Yet healthy, open-minded laughter is contagious, and healthy laughter celebrates the right to happiness.
Do you remember a time when you watched a funny movie or read a funny story? Do you remember how good your body felt after a deep laugh? Do you remember how clearly you experienced yourself and the rest of the world at that time?
These experiences are easy to reproduce. You can choose to laugh. Even if nothing is funny, you can laugh and your body will feel more relaxed. When you laugh, you will feel less emotional tension. You can laugh at all the absurdities of life—even at yourself. A good new Parent will encourage you in healthy laughter.
The basics of the key to happiness – how to discover your powers
Posted by: | CommentsFrom Inferiority to Competence
Between the ages of seven and twelve, you may have felt competent in some situations and incompetent or inferior in others. In this exercise, explore how you handled the basic academic and social challenges.
- Academic challenges in childhood:
- Achieved mastery or didn’t:
- How I felt and acted:
- Effect on my life:
- Social challenges in childhood:
- Achieved mastery or didn’t:
- How I felt and acted:
- Effect on my life:
Now consider your current intellectual and social challenges and note whether they are related to both your childhood urge for independence and your childhood attempts to master academic and social skills. How can a new Parent help you now?
- Current intellectual and social challenges:
- How they are or are not related to childhood:
- If I became a mentor, a coach or new Parent to myself, how might doing so help me in facing and dealing with intellectual and social challenges:
Identity and Self-Affirmation
In your teen years, you probably felt comfortable about yourself in some ways and not in others. Since then, you may have changed your mind, but how did you evaluate yourself at the time? Using the areas of concern below, list whether you were confused, somewhat uncomfortable, or accepting of yourself in your teen years.
- My appearance:
- My sexual identity:
- My capacity to think:
- My friendships:
- My home environment:
- My skills in sports:
- My skills in music:
- My skills in…:
If during your teenage years you were not comfortable with yourself, have you gained knowledge and appreciation of yourself since then?
If not, what do you need now from an internal and healthy new Parent, or a new coach or mentor figure?
From Loneliness to Intimacy
Loneliness is painful. It is first experienced in infancy. Usually, it is due to being isolated or ignored. When children’s needs are not met and closeness to parents does not develop, a child does not learn how to trust. Mistrust and loneliness become unpleasant yet familiar feelings.
In later life, loneliness is often expected. Intimacy may be avoided or restricted because of the early basic lack of trust.
- Specific people I wanted to be close to:
- What I did to encourage or avoid intimacy:
- The emotional effect of these relationships:
If you have a habit of developing relationships with others that do not last, is this related to some earlier issues around trust and mistrust?
- Do you select persons who are not trustworthy?
- Do you act in ways that alienate people?
If either of these is true, what could a new Parent tell you that could help you to could sustain love?
The Need for Balance
Whether to stay self-centered or reach out caringly to others is a question many people need to ask themselves. The opportunity comes especially in the middle years between ages 30 and 60.
Consider your current lifestyle and activities. Do you need to change your focus?
- My activities that are primarily self-centered:
- My activities that are primarily other-centered:
- Activities that involve both myself and others:
Is there a balance of some kind between what you do and how you act that is primarily for you and primarily for others?
If your activities and actions seem out of balance, what do you need from a new Parent to create balance?
To Be an Elder or to Be Elderly
The young find it almost impossible to comprehend what it is like to get old. Avoidance and denial are common barriers to thinking and planning for those years. When planning is done, it often is only in terms of having enough money and physical health to maintain life.
Historically, the title “elder” has been used for confidential advisors who are experienced and therefore valued for wise advice. Some cultures respect their elders and the wisdom they have accumulated; other cultures do not.
Some individuals or cultures seem to magnify the importance of money and productivity and deny the value of wisdom. However, as the so-called Baby Boomer generation gets older, that orientation may change.
The basics of the key to happiness – don’t lose the energy to celebrate
Posted by: | CommentsInstead of celebrating, many successful people hide their successes. They refuse to celebrate and to feel happy, frequently using one of the following excuses: Their success is not really important and they may be ridiculed or ignored; their success will make someone jealous, and a friendship or work relationship may be harmed; they will be expected to perform still another task, and to perform it even more successfully; they are angry at someone or at a situation or even angry at the world; they fear it might take too much time away from their pursuit of other goals; they feel they do not deserve recognition and joy, either because they have failed in some other way or because “anything good that happens is just luck.”
Regardless of what excuse a person may use, avoiding celebration is a denial of the potential excitement of living. Feelings of happiness that well up from a person’s inner core deserve recognition.
Unfortunately, people often avoid celebrations because they have experienced a loss of energy. They feel so debilitated that they do not expect to enjoy celebrating. It is important to recognize that whether or not you will enjoy a celebration is often not a matter of energy, but a matter of choice.
Sometimes not enjoying a celebration is normal. When people are shocked by bad news or are seriously ill, celebrations become low priority. People often need and want to conserve energy to cope with the stress they are experiencing.
In some cases celebrations need to be postponed. Yet, at other times, just looking around to see how much there is in life to feel good about will provide the energy needed to celebrate.
Energy for celebrating may be especially low when traditions are too restrictive and act like a dam holding back energy. In many families and cultures there are laws or customs that spell out the details of celebrations. Like dams, customs may restrict the free flow of energy until pressure builds up and a break occurs.
In today’s world of increasing cross-cultural families and multicultural workplaces, if people from one culture hold on vociferously to the beliefs and lifestyles with which they grew up, they are likely to miss opportunities to discover other forms of happiness.
People experience a loss of energy when they are continually drained by the demands they put upon themselves or accept from others. They won’t say “no.” They habitually put others first, try to please everyone, and do more than their share of work. These people are likely to prepare too hard for a celebration and become so stressed out that they don’t enjoy it, or they don’t get enough rest before a celebration. Afterward, having met too many obligations, they feel drained.
They could choose to say “no” to some demands made upon them. They could work easy instead of hard. They could take more time to enjoy life and to avoid feeling drained. They could be assertive on behalf of themselves. A good new Parent would encourage this.
Anxiety lowers energy levels. Many events cause anxiety and doubt. Parties, in particular, seem to bring out high levels of stress and anxiety in some people. They may worry about their appearance, the refreshments, what the neighbors might think, or who to invite. Worrying unnecessarily depletes energy and often doesn’t leave us capable of enjoying ourselves.
The desire to be perfect is also energy depleting. People can choose. They can remind themselves that nothing has to be perfect. Joy is not based on perfection. It is based on being open to the wonders of the universe and to the wonders of relationships. A good new Parent will encourage this openness.
The basics of the key to happiness – design specific goals to achieve
Posted by: | CommentsAfter determining the general area of life where change is wanted, the next step is to focus on specifics. For example, persons who are dissatisfied with their educational backgrounds may need to clarify and specify what they want instead. Do they wish they had studied in a different field or gone to a different school or applied themselves more seriously to the courses they took? They need to decide on specific goals that, if achieved, would make up for what they consider to be deficits in their education.
As another example, persons who are dissatisfied with their general physical health may need to be very clear and specific on what they want instead. Do they want to lose weight or gain weight? If so, how many pounds? They will also need to analyze themselves to determine whether they are motivated enough to keep their own commitments to some form of self-care such as dieting or exercising.
If you are dissatisfied with your family life or social life or sexual life, what exactly do you want instead? What goal and goal specifics would enhance your life and have the potential for success?
It is not enough to want to be happier. Happiness can be in the planning, it can be in the pursuit, or it can come with achievement, but being happier takes goal specifics, commitment, and action.
If, time after time, people make promises to themselves and then break them, it means the promises have likely been built on grandiose expectations or insufficient commitment, not reality. Specific goals can only be reached if the expectations are reasonable and meet some of the needs and wants of the inner Child to be cared for and respected.