Archive for learning
The basics of learning to be happy – fieldwork on parenting
Posted by: | CommentsOne of the most effective ways to develop a new Parent is to do “fieldwork” on actual parenting. You actually go out into the field (the community or the real world) to observe methods of parenting and determine how they can be improved. An internship or apprenticeship, where a person is actually doing work under supervision, could be called field work. Many professions require this as part of their training.
In previous generations, apprenticeship or internship in parenting was common. Large families and relatively stable neighborhoods enabled people to observe parenting and decide whether it was adequate or not. Today families are smaller and many people have less time for parenting because they are juggling priorities. Traditional parent education, intrinsic in most cultures, is disappearing today. Because of this, people who are reparenting themselves may know very little about being a parent. That is where the parenting field work comes in. It begins with planned observation.
Planned observation includes going to places where people are parenting young children and observing what is going on—both positive and negative. Supermarkets or department stores are rich fields for observation. Sometimes the parents are harried and the children look hurried, helpless, and hopeless. Sometimes both look happy. Nursery schools and playgrounds reveal a more structured facet of child rearing that involves directed play. This kind of observation can be very useful if you want to be a better new Parent to yourself.
Another way to further understand how to develop your new Parent is to read books on child development, particularly on developing a child’s self-esteem. Throughout your study, ask yourself “What am I learning that is new and positive that I could begin to apply to myself?” “What kind of parenting education do I need that will enhance my ability to be happy?”
The basics of learning to trust yourself on your way to happiness
Posted by: | CommentsTo trust people is to be able to depend on their integrity or ability. Learning to do this is the first crisis of early childhood, which, if resolved, leads to a sense of hope. Later in life, it becomes clear that some people are worthy of trust because they act with integrity and some are not. Knowing whom to trust and when to trust them is liberating and assists in the pursuit of happiness.
Some people are basically trusting. They tend to trust everybody, including themselves. Others are suspicious or even despairing and trust nobody, including themselves. Others, usually with low self-esteem and a sense of inadequacy do not trust themselves, although they may expect others to be trustworthy. People who only trust themselves believe other people are not dependable or capable enough.
These attitudes about trust may exist in varying degrees or at varying levels of intensity. For example, persons who are basically trusting may actually exaggerate their own and other people’s commitments and capacities. They may see the entire world through rose-colored glasses and ignore problems that really exist. A different pattern is noticeable in persons who are always helping others. They may trust only themselves, refusing to believe that other people are competent and can usually direct their own lives.
People are fortunate if they have had other people in their lives whom they could depend upon and trust. Now, however, the focus is on being a trusting, responsible, motivating, and committed parent to yourself.
Contracting for success and knowing that success is possible requires an awareness of your own attitudes about trusting—an awareness of promises that have been kept and promises that have been broken – especially the promises made to yourself.
Problems of Inconsistency
Learning whether it is wise or not to trust parents is the first developmental crisis of childhood. If infants learn their parents can be trusted, they become able to hope. An attitude of hopefulness becomes part of their personalities and may last for a lifetime because of their early experiences.
Despair is the opposite of hope and inconsistency can lead to despair. A frequently heard lament is “I can’t trust anybody; I can’t even trust myself.” Just how does this despair start?
If you had parent figures in childhood who were often inconsistent and did not do what they said they would do, you probably decided that you couldn’t trust them. If that style of parenting became part of your Parent ego state, then you may be inconsistent in similar ways.
Another reason for lack of trust is if one of your parent figures was a promise breaker and another parent figure was just the opposite. In such cases, your commitment to yourself and others may fluctuate between indifference and perfection because of your role models.
Your new inner Parent needs to be consistently supportive of your potential for growth. It needs to encourage you as if you were part of a winning sports team. It needs to remind you that you are grown up and can keep promises or can stop making promises that you are uncertain about keeping.
Like lamps plugged into electrical outlets, old messages can be unplugged. You don’t need to listen to outdated messages. Your analytical, data-processing Adult part of your personality can help evaluate these messages. If you are functioning as a new Parent, or coach or mentor, to your inner Child, old messages do not need to direct your life unless you turn them on. The choice is yours.
If you choose to be more trustworthy and keep the healthy commitments you make to yourself, your inner Child will experience more peace. You will even sleep better at night and this can be a major step forward on the broad road to happiness.
The basics of learning to be happy – education in feeling
Posted by: | CommentsIt is impossible to consider all the feelings or emotions that people have and how they can be recognized and dealt with. Yet, the new Parent is likely to need some guidance on the subject.
In one way or another, verbally or nonverbally, many children receive parental messages such as “Don’t feel” or “Don’t let your feelings show.” Some children are encouraged to express their feelings, but others are not. They may be conditioned to be scared, yet not allowed to show it, with threats like “If you go on crying, I’ll really give you something to cry about.” Another way parents educate children about feelings is more subtle. They make statements such as “Big boys don’t cry” or “Nice girls don’t get angry.” These messages need to be updated with statements such as “Boys can cry sometimes; it’s natural” and “Girls do get angry sometimes, it’s natural.” All feelings are natural and need to be expressed and respected.
In response to being manipulated by parents, growing children learn to manipulate themselves and their feelings. In choosing whether to feel angry or sad, they may habitually choose how they felt in childhood. They may believe they have no choice except to be possessed by their negative feelings. However, feelings cannot possess anyone. Instead, people possess their feelings, and they have many choices about how to respond.
It is not unusual for children whose parent figures act hysterical or “crazy” to decide not to show any feelings. They may be afraid that they will go crazy if they let go. It is also common for people to block their tears, fearing that if they start crying, their tears will be seen as a mark of weakness or become a waterfall that never ends.
Many physical illnesses are created or made worse by negative feelings, by continuing stress, and by psychological problems. Psychotherapy may sometimes enhance a person’s health and wellness. Some indications for psychotherapy are intense anxiety, with sweating and faintness; sleep disturbance; substance abuse, including excessive use of alcohol; a sense of impending disaster; suspiciousness or fatigue when there seems to be no cause; obsessiveness; destructiveness to self, others, or property; loss of memory; inappropriate behavior or speech; apathy or impaired functioning. These symptoms, experienced at a fairly low level of intensity are fairly common. When the symptoms interfere with a sense of freedom and an active search for happiness, professional help is needed.
The basics of creativity and logical thinking in learning to be happy
Posted by: | CommentsThe capacity to think is an important tool that helps liberate people from unhappiness. Developing a new inner Parent involves both creative and logical thinking. Creative thinking includes fantasizing about what an ideal inner Parent could be. Logical thinking involves analyzing old parental figures and deciding what and how to add a new inner Parent to the space filled by flawed parents of the past.
One of the important discoveries made within the past few years is that people use the left and right sides of their brain for different kinds of thinking. The right side is more involved with creative holistic thinking and the left with logical, analytical thinking.
Some people do not trust the potential of their creative thinking and exaggerate the value of being logical. They may view creative thinking as being speculative, lacking precision, or as characteristic of dreamers. They often fail to see that their pride in being logical may really be part of a grandiose fantasy they have designed to enhance their own self-esteem.
The opposite can also be true. Some people only pride themselves on their creative thoughts.
They do not see that ignoring their capacities to think logically is likely to lead to a life that is out of balance.
Both kinds of thinking are valuable. When balancing a checkbook, the logical skill of analyzing costs and expenditures is useful. However, a creative form of budgeting might solve fiscal problems or increase potential savings. Some people obviously do this better than others.
Both logical and creative thinking are influenced by genetic inheritance, childhood conditioning, adult experience, and education. Although it is generally agreed that intelligence is partly genetic, it has also been proven that intelligence can be raised or lowered during a life span. This depends on motivation, skills, and opportunities for growth and development.
Yet some scholars, such as Howard Gardner, believe there are different kinds of intelligence. High intelligence in one area may not mean a person is competent in other ways. Someone with high mathematical intelligence may lack the kind of musical intelligence shown by great musicians or lack the spatial capacities of architects or the mental capacities professional athletes draw upon to accomplish great physical feats.
Furthermore, having so-called high intelligence does not mean a person will usually think logically or will develop constructive plans of action or be concerned with the happiness of others. Some very intelligent people are clever crooks! Others ignore the information they gather because it does not agree with a personal bias. Furthermore, logical thinking may be labeled “illogical” if it does not coincide with cultural norms.
Whether thinking is logical or illogical, positive or negative, it can nevertheless be creative. Creativity is expressed when the person puts together objects, facts, ideas, feelings, or behaviors in new ways. Creative thinkers don’t agree with the commonly held belief that if certain things haven’t been done, they can’t be done. They trust themselves to think for themselves and redecide poor decisions made in the past. They certainly don’t agree with the belief that parents have the sole right to determine their children’s future simply because they have done so throughout the years in many cultures.