Archive for love
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All children receive messages or injunctions about their worth from their parents, including foster parents, grandparents, older siblings, and other family members, as well as teachers and people who live in the neighborhood. Any or all of these messages contribute to a child’s positive or negative esteem.
A child who receives only positive messages will have much less need later in life for self-reparenting than one with the opposite experience. However, even if a child has ideal parents, there are often other significant persons, such as teachers, stepparents, grandparents, or older siblings, who give injunctions that interfere with health and happiness.
Injunctions are commands, directives, or orders. The word is used here to refer to statements or acts by parenting figures that adversely affect a child’s sense of being alive and well, capable and competent, free and joyful.
There are a number of basic negative injunctions, according to psychotherapists Mary and Bob Goulding. The first two are against the very idea of being itself: “Don’t be” and “Don’t be you.” Two are about relationships: “Don’t be close” and “Don’t belong.” Next are those concerned with personal growth: “Don’t grow up” and “Don’t be a child.” Others are against physical or emotional wellness: “Don’t be well” and “Don’t be sane.” Two are against achievement: “Don’t be important” and “Don’t succeed.”
Don’t Be is often a lethal injunction. It is a message given verbally or nonverbally by parents who do not want a particular child to exist. This can be for many reasons. The parents may be very young, unmarried, and unable to cope with the problems involved in having and raising a child. Or, they may believe they already have enough or too many children and not want “one more mouth to feed” or “one more diaper to change.” Other parents may be physically or emotionally ill, almost incapable of coping with life at all. Still other parents may dislike each other intensely and see a child as a burden that could put pressure on them to stay together. Then there are an increasing number who don’t want children because children would interfere with their careers. The most common responses to Don’t be” are passivity and depression.
Don’t Be You is not as lethal as Don’t be,” but it is still a devastating attack on a child’s identity. It is most strongly given by parents who wish a child were of the opposite sex. Parents may openly complain, “Oh, if you were only a boy” or “I sure wish you were a girl.” The child soon learns that his or her basic sexual identity does not please his or her parents.
Children may even be dressed and treated as if they were of the opposite sex. This often causes deep despair or confusion, and liberation from it may require extensive professional help.
Don’t Be Close is a negative injunction often given by parents who see themselves as too busy to listen, comfort, play with, or teach a child. This injunction is also given nonverbally by parents who abandon their children. A child who is abandoned may decide never to love again, or never to be close to a person of the same sex as the parent who left. A child may make a similar decision if a parent dies. Death feels like abandonment.
Another way this injunction is experienced is when divorce, or continuing conflict, splinters a family. When strong bitterness is expressed between parents, they may compete for the affection of a child and issue the message, “Don’t be close to that so-and-so of an ex-spouse; only be close to me.”
Don’t Belong is experienced by children if they are rejected by parents who wish a particular child were not part of the family—often because of embarrassment over physical or emotional problems that the child might possess. In such cases, it is not unusual for a child to wish for other parents.
Furthermore, if children are taught that they are better than others, or not as good as others, they may also feel like outsiders. And, if they are rejected by their peers or by teachers, they may also feel like they don’t belong anywhere.
Don’t Grow Up is an unspoken command of parents who want their children to remain under their control. In spite of what they may claim, such parents do not want their children to think or act independently. They want obedience and compliance to their opinions, ideas, and demands. They criticize with remarks such as, “Can’t you grow up and think like a decent human being?” These parents are really reinforcing the idea in their children’s minds that they are, in fact, destined to remain perpetual children—exactly what the parents wish for them to be.
Don’t Be a Child is just the opposite injunction of “Don’t grow up.” It is often given by parents who themselves act like children. They reverse the parent-child roles and insist that their children care for them—either physically or psychologically or both. It is also given by parents who are overly ambitious for their children. Pushing their children to be first, such parents may feel inadequate and use their children as compensation for what they lack in themselves. The same message often accompanies a “Don’t be close” injunction given by parents who are too busy and refuse to listen to what they label as “kid stuff.” The same message comes through if they never play with their children or imply that play is less important than work.
Don’t Be Well is a very subtle injunction given by parents who, often without awareness, expect a child to be physically dependent upon them, although it may not be necessary. After all, if a child is not well, then a parent’s attention is required. This can lead to a parent feeling important and necessary. In a family where a sibling or other family member is chronically ill or incapacitated in some way, it is not unusual for a healthy child to feel a twinge of guilt for being well.
Don’t Be Sane is an injunction sometimes given by parents who do not want their children to be sane because they might see how irrational they, the parents, are. It is also given with accusations between two parent figures when they make remarks to each other such as, “You’re impossible; you’re always acting crazy” or “Everybody in your family is crazy.” The implication is that some form of insanity has been inherited or is acceptable.
Don’t Succeed is an injunction that often leads to a banal script. It can come from parents who do hot know how to cope with success, or from siblings who manage to downplay success, or from a teacher who may have a classroom favorite. Often the message voiced in the home is “You think you’re better than your own family, don’t you.”
Such parent figures can give the injunction by continually criticizing less-than-perfect grades so that a child concludes “I’m not perfect; therefore, I can’t succeed.” When grown up, these persons may almost reach goals, then do something at the last minute that undermines their confidence and stops them from attaining what they want or need.
Don’t Be Important is very similar to “don’t succeed.” To be important is to be special and to be recognized as such. Children with a “Don’t be” or “Don’t be you” injunction also believe they are not important as individuals. Their parents may pay more attention to another child, a job, or a hobby, and use comments such as “Don’t bother me” or “Don’t be such a nuisance” or “Don’t be a show-off; you’re no better than anyone else.” They structure their time and interactions in such a way that their children conclude “My needs are not important; therefore, I’m not important.”
Don’t… is a more generalized injunction. It is given in a threatening tone of voice and intended to create paralyzing fear. “Don’t you dare look at me like that” or “Don’t contradict me or I’ll beat you until you wish you were dead.”
People who receive this kind of injunction are continually fearful of taking an assertive position, of sticking up for themselves, of making decisions, of doing something new, of thinking, of changing, of taking charge of their own lives. Indeed, of everything.
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Children adapt their needs and wants to parents, parent figures, and their environment in many ways. They may obey like “good” little boys or girls, argue and fight back, or use delaying techniques if asked to help.
These adaptations fall into three basic categories: compliance, rebellion, and procrastination. Being compliant is usually based on the belief that obedience will bring love, or will at least decrease the chance of being punished. Being rebellious often happens because a child does not consider the parents’ demands loving or rational. Procrastination is a wavering between the two: “Perhaps my parents will love me (or forgive me) if I eventually do what they want.”
Although everyone uses all these responses from time to time, a continuing pattern of procrastination and rebellion can become a major problem, both in childhood and in later life. Some parents punish children for this behavior. Others deal with it from a caring perspective, setting reasonable limits and reasonable consequences. Still other parents ignore rebelliousness and thus may encourage it—intentionally or not—and a child can become a tyrant. Tyrants are hard to love. They want total liberty for themselves and total obedience from others.
Many parents believe that one of their primary tasks is training their children to comply. The training may be indiscriminate and thus destroy a child’s sense of self-esteem. It may also be reasonable and increase a child’s sense of self-esteem. It may fluctuate at different times, for different reasons, around different subjects.
Parents teaching compliance usually justify their actions; they are “only doing their duty.” But all too often they interpret their duty as the need to develop obedient children—in other words, “good” children, who will not talk back, will not think independently, and who will not rebel against parental dictates.
Children who are taught compliance obey without thinking and have little capacity to make independent decisions in later life. As adults, these people are easily swayed by others, are reluctant to take risks, and seldom question the system. They follow orders, even when the results may be bad for someone else or themselves.
Rebellion against authority often shows itself in early childhood if children feel unappreciated or unloved. First comes a sense of being treated unfairly. Next comes the decision “I won’t do what they want” or “I’ll get even for what they did to me.” The needs and wants of children are often just the opposite of those of their parents.
“I want you to pick up your toys,” the parent might say. “I won’t!” a child may respond. “Don’t you dare talk to me like that!” may come next. The child’s rebellion may then escalate outwardly into a temper tantrum or be sublimated and built up internally as defiance.
Defiance is an attitude sometimes expressed in bold or insolent ways, sometimes in soft and procrastinating ways. Regardless of the mask it wears, defiance is an attempt to be free from authoritarian demands.
Parent figures, whether they are biological relatives, teachers in classrooms, private mentors, or organizational coaches, respond differently to defiance. Some call it “stubbornness” and try to manipulate the stubborn child into obedience. Others may call it “guts,” complimenting the child who takes that “try and make me” stance. Still other parents feel powerless and throw up their hands in dismay. In so doing, they lose their ability to be adequate models and to influence their children effectively. They may love their children, but they don’t know how to show it.
Rebellious children usually continue acting defiant in later life, even without cause. They are difficult to be with, since, when they don’t get their way, they throw adult versions of their childhood temper tantrums. They are difficult to reach emotionally; their defiance acts as a barrier to love and intimacy.
Procrastination is what some children use against authorities when they want to rebel and don’t want to comply. In procrastinating, they are trying to come to some kind of workable compromise that satisfies the inner war. Procrastination is a compromise, and “Just a minute” or “I’ll do it later” is usually a safer way to ignore authorities and protect a sense of independence than directly saying “No.” Parents’ demanding or authoritative behavior toward their children often fosters procrastination.
Procrastination is usually a slightly hidden form of rebellion. Children with demanding parents who frequently order “Do this” or “Do that” may adapt by developing delaying techniques. Repressive parents who often say “Don’t talk back” or “Don’t ask so many questions” or “Shut up” may force their children to be quiet, go slow, and not ask for much. Such children need new messages of encouragement so that they can learn to act positively and with alacrity.
Sometimes procrastination can be a sign of a child who has not yet learned how to make decisions and is afraid of making a wrong one. Occasionally, procrastination is used to manipulate others into taking on responsibility for the procrastinator or the procrastinator’s assigned tasks. It is not unusual for the procrastinator to withdraw from loving relationships with others.
We are all familiar with the procrastinating adult! Who of us has not put off some unpleasant task? But serious procrastinators can be deeply troubled, and all procrastination usually has a hidden agenda. Immobilized by fear or acting out of repressed rebellion, the procrastinator appears to be trying, but is actually sabotaging his or her own life.
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Have you ever said to yourself or to someone else, “I wish I knew what I really want”?
Or have you ever said to yourself “I’ll never get what I need. Nobody cares. I might as well give up”?
Do you ever wonder how your life would be different if you could just find inner peace instead of turmoil?
Do you ever feel as if you’re not put together in the right way, and you don’t know what the right way is?
If so, it’s time to discover more about what the child part of you needed and wanted when you were a child. Knowing that will give you more freedom to be who you want to be and to do what you want to do. It will give you more freedom to get on with your life.
The ability of any child to be creative, spontaneous, autonomous, and also able to feel close to others is usually directly affected by childhood authorities who have the power to create what feels like either a prison or an open healthy world.
It’s hard to be happy until you have freed yourself from some of the pain of the past. Yet, it’s never too late to start this process. You begin by discovering how you shaped your needs and want to please authority figures; how you learned to comply, rebel, or procrastinate around authorities; and how you may still do the same—at least sometimes—in your current life.
This inner part of your personality has much to tell you about specific needs and wants. With this knowledge, you can learn to function as a liberating parent, an encouraging coach, and a knowledgeable mentor. Each role can help in your pursuit of happiness.
Everyone hopes to be loved, and this hope, for many people, is realized. Love is life-giving: it heals, it liberates, and, in its best forms, it is intense, durable, and unconditional. Genuine love makes us capable of sacrifice when sacrifice is needed and is offered without exploitation. It is goodwill freely given, asking nothing in return.
Attachment is not the same as love. People are often legally or emotionally attached to others they do not even like or respect. It is a tragedy when there is no love between parents and their children. Children are born to love and be loved.
Unfortunately, for a variety of reasons, parents may treat their children so that the children do not feel lovable or loving. Disliking and even hating themselves, these children can get into patterns of self-destructiveness or lash out to inflict damage on objects or pets or people. Those who experience too much physical or emotional pain do not believe in the miracle of love. They need to be healed with the kind of love that gives them protection and permission. If this healing succeeds, it can release, at any time during their lives, their capacity to be loving and allow them to claim the birthright of being loved.
Parents who expect appreciation or high performance from children as payment for “loving” them pollute the relationship, much as clear water can be polluted. The new internal Parent must be able to love without exploiting the inner Child.
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The earliest adaptations that result in compliance, rebellion, and procrastination are partly related to the way children are touched when they are young. In severe cases parents beat their children, sexually molest them, or deny them food or other necessities to get them to obey. This may lead to external compliance, to rebellion (as when a child runs away), or to generalized insolence, generated by rage that is held back temporarily. This rage may later be expressed as brutality toward people or pets who are weaker. It may also be expressed hurtfully toward oneself. Hating or hurting one’s body—or an insatiable craving to be touched—often has its beginnings in unhealthy touch or lack of touch in childhood. Even in “normal” families, many parents have a hard time expressing their love with physical gestures or loving behavior.
If lovingly cared for, children will respond with love. The responsive smiles and wiggles of infants show that humans are equipped at birth for healthy relationships and intimacy. Frequent touching, rocking, carrying, and holding all stimulate an infant’s well-being. Without sufficient touching, infants become sick, even die. For maximum mental and physical health, healthy loving touch is an absolute necessity. This is just as true when you become an adult. As you begin to know the needs and wants of your inner Child, you may discover fear of some kinds of touch and longing for other kinds.
The importance of touch begins at birth. The first gasp for breath, the shock of cooler air, and bright lights can be made easier by the caressing of human hands. Liberation from the protective womb, into a world that is not always protective, is an event of great magnitude. Infants who are not separated from their mothers immediately seem to have a greater sense of trust about the world around them.
Contact comfort with softness and warmth is the most important variable in the famous Harlow studies of monkey behavior. The studies show that laboratory monkeys separated from their own mothers at birth selected soft cloth mother-surrogates for contact comfort, even though a wire-mesh surrogate could feed them. In like manner, infants cling to the softness of their mothers and, if they are not available, are often happy with a soft blanket or toy.
Later in life, softness in another person is certainly preferred to harshness. Interestingly enough, when people increase the amount of soft and loving touch they give and receive, their faces often soften, and frequently they look years younger.
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Each of us needs an internalized Parent who supports us in being and doing. Learning how to balance being and doing requires skill. Like a gymnast who knows the value of balance, a person in the process of self-parenting needs a new Parent who will encourage both.
Unless both being and doing are encouraged and developed, happiness is always an elusive butterfly, just out of reach.
Sometimes, in childhood, being is stressed by adoring, overly nurturing parents. As a result, their children often feel entitled to everything they desire and are not motivated to establish goals that call for personal initiative or effort. They want what they want when they want it. They may become so self-centered that they need a new Parent who will use tough love.
People who have been overindulged typically act on impulse and may be inconsistent or unreliable. They often undermine their own success by doing such things as speaking without thinking, acting without planning, or spending money without budgeting. They want to do what they want without regard for other people, want love without acting lovable, want happiness without commitment, want freedom without responsibility. These people need firm a new Parent who will help them regulate their behavior.
The opposite type of person needs a tender new Parent. This is often true of those who have had brutal, overly strict, or highly critical parents who demanded perfect performance. These people need affirmation for being alive and being who they are, not just recognition for doing chores or school tasks.
Many people imagine they need tender, encouraging love when they may actually need tough love. You need tender, encouraging love if you were not affirmed for being you and if you frequently experience a sense of despair or depression. You need firm, perhaps tough, love if your capacities for achievement, for independent thinking, and for action were not encouraged, if you act passive instead of assertive, or if you procrastinate often. When people identify whether they need tender or tough love, they take charge of their lives and take responsibility for their own happiness.
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People can endure almost any catastrophe if they know they are lovable and if they are able to show love to others.
Love is not just warm feelings; love is action. Parents who love a child intensely take care of its body mind and spirit and encourage the child to treat them with respect. Good parents love so deeply that they willingly sacrifice time and energy because of love. To parents who believe that love is action, not just warm feelings, caring for their children is not resented but is always a high priority Thus, when the child has an important need or want, the loving parent rearranges priorities to deal with it. This is especially important when the child is young and requires intense involvement.
Later in life, the one-to-one intensity needs to be transformed so that the child can learn to love more extensively. Many people talk of loving everything and everybody, yet they may not show it. Others only love themselves and one or two others. Between the extremes can be a healthy balance. In self-reparenting, a new Parent needs to know that every person is important—that love is not a scarce commodity, and there is enough love to go around.
Love in action may be brief, as when someone briefly risks his or her own life for another and doesn’t wait for thanks. Or, love may be a lifelong relationship, as in some marriages or friendships. Good parents make this permanent commitment to their children as persons, even though they may not agree with some of their values or lifestyles. In self-reparenting, a person’s new Parent must have a similar orientation, which is to stay active, never to desert the inner Child, and always to show love—no matter what.
Adequacy of parental love can be measured in two ways: loving involvement and parenting skills. Some parents who love their children and are emotionally involved with them do not have adequate parenting skills. For example, they may be overly indulgent of inappropriate behavior or overly indulgent by trying to give their children ”everything.” As a result, their children often become spoiled, act irresponsibly with possessions, or manipulate others dishonestly to get more. Most of this behavior occurs because the parents are inadequate in parenting skills and unwise in gift-giving.
Another inadequacy in parental care occurs when parents do not love their children and are emotionally distant, even though they may have parenting skills. They do not enjoy the positive emotional involvement with their children that comes about while learning and working, playing and loving together. They do their parenting out of a sense of duty, or so they will look good in the eyes of the neighbors.
Whether parents love and uninformed, or informed and unloving, the result is similar because the parenting is inadequate. In developing your new Parent, you will need to decide to love your inner Child just because the Child is important and to love this Child to a degree such that the Child becomes free to love others. Your own Child needs to be loved permanently and unconditionally, regardless of mistakes and imperfections. And, your inner Child needs the wisdom of loving concern combined with firmness. When people are loved, they can learn to love themselves and the rest of the world and experience liberty and happiness at the deepest levels. They can become friends with the universe.
The root of the word friend means “free”—not in bondage. The Old English word Freon means to love, and the word friend becomes the modern English word friend. In the process of self-reparenting, the new Parent does not hold the Child in bondage. Instead, the Parent respects the nobility and the mobility of the Child and rejoices over its emerging independence. The two of them become friends.
