Archive for Parent
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: What You Expect is What You Get
Posted by: | CommentsTime for school in ten minutes. Remember what you need and I’ll see you at the front door at a quarter to.’ For older boys, this is a far more helpful and positive approach than: ‘You’ve only got ten minutes. Have you got your homework? Have you done your teeth? Don’t forget your games kit, and don’t be late like yesterday!’
If you are a parent:
* Remain positive: notice, constantly, the things that he does right; if he fails to do something, restate your request or expectation; don’t berate him for his omission
* Stop predicting or assuming poor performance or behavior with phrases such as: ‘I expect you’ll fail this test, too’ or even, ‘You will be good, won’t you?’
* Avoid sticking labels on him, especially negative ones such as ‘naughty’, ‘thief, ‘liar’ and ‘bad’; give him hope and faith in himself
If you are a teacher:
* Have appropriate and realistic expectations for the content of pupils’ work, and high expectations for quality of presentation and punctual delivery
* Many boys find it hard to produce neat work, but they won’t develop this skill if their gender becomes an excuse; computers can help to improve the look of a boy’s work, and encourage him to see himself as capable of high standards
* Encourage reflection; this should be demonstrated in written work and class discussion; with this expectation, boys are more likely to develop this important ability
Boys who feel trusted by an adult feel proud of that trust and work at keeping it. Research consistently shows that high expectations produce good results, and low expectations produce poor ones – what you expect is what you get. ‘What you expect’ in this case is your perception of your child’s personality and behavior. ‘What you get’ is the behavior you expect. So if you ask a boy to do something in a way that assumes and expects that he will, you are more likely to get the result you want. The reverse is also true; when you imply that he won’t co-operate or succeed at something, he probably won’t.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Watch Him Doing Something He Enjoys
Posted by: | CommentsAnything that is important to us, we want to share. Children are the same. Children usually enjoy doing the things they do well, so one reason to watch them is to let them show off a little and accept the pride they feel in their achievement. Watching involves you further in your son’s life; it increases togetherness even when he’s doing something on his own. Your presence will boost his self-esteem.
If you are a parent:
* Find the time to watch
* ‘Mum, can I show you how I…?’, or ‘Dad, come and see me do…’ should be answered with: ‘Sure’, but preferably not with ‘later’ added
* Let him impress you; tell him afterwards how much you enjoyed watching him
* Within his hearing, tell his grandparents how well he’s doing, so that he can feel pride in his skills; if they are no longer with you, you can say: ‘Granny would have loved to have seen you do that’
If you are a teacher:
* You can’t watch what the boys and girls in your class do in their personal time, but you can find a moment to hear about something they have done
* Try to value whatever it is a boy enjoys doing or achieving
* Provided that your family and work commitments allow for this, it can be gratifying for students to see other teachers attending plays, football matches, concerts, etc.
If your son loves playing football, riding bikes or conquering playground equipment, watching certainly takes effort and may involve getting muddy, cold or wet. You may be mystified by his passion for strange, war-based, card or computer games. But he will thrive in the warmth of your watchful eye.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Understand His Particularities
Posted by: | CommentsEvery boy is different. A boy can be adaptable, affectionate, funny, sensitive, quick to cry, find it hard to concentrate or to share, live in a fantasy world or be down-to-earth. He can be resilient, jealous, generous, prosaic or fanciful, like noise or quiet, be tidy or untidy, seek company or prefer solitude. He may feel, play, think, learn, and enjoy things in a way that is different from other people. It is these ‘particularities’ which define who he is as a human being, regardless of his gender. A boy will have a clearer picture of the different elements within himself if close adults put what they see into words.
If you are a parent:
* Fill in your son’s ‘personality palette’. Write down his likes and dislikes – what he likes to or won’t eat, his favorite games, pastimes and activities, clothes, what he does well, places he likes to go, how he works best
* Be positive; traits you view as negative may be the reverse side of positive ones; for example, he may stand up for himself with friends but be ‘too assertive’ with you
* Tell him what you see: ‘I really like the way you…’, or ‘You’re very sensitive, aren’t you?’
If you are a teacher:
* Consult with other staff members to determine specific strengths and weaknesses of a student you find ‘difficult’
* Be aware of different learning styles (ask what students prefer) and vary lessons appropriately
* Ask students to get into small groups; in each group, select one student and have the rest of the group bombard him with all the strengths and unique features they see in him (no negative comments are allowed); one person should record the contributions, listing ten to fifteen of his strengths
To take the analogy of an artist’s palette, the more ‘colors’ or traits that can be identified, the more varied and interesting the picture that is painted. Parents, and sometimes teachers, often see a boy as ‘naughty’. If he is not ‘good’ (which for those parents means never doing anything wrong), then he is automatically ‘naughty’. In that situation, boys learn to see themselves as either good or bad, and if it’s the latter, unsuccessful too.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: the More You Use It, the More You Lose It
Posted by: | CommentsThere was a young boy getting bored at the skirt of his mother as she talked with a friend in the street. He decided to run away towards the road, so his mother grabbed him, dragged him back, hit him and resumed her conversation. He did the same again, twice, and so did she. The third time, he ran out into the road, and she hit him harder, several times. The more she hit, the more he chose to flout her authority.
There is an important lesson to learn about power, which is that the more you use it, the more you lose it. Where power is used, or misused, frequently, it tends not to stop children doing something, but to incite them to further challenge.
If you are a parent:
* Hitting is not the only power tactic used by parents; threats, bribes, harsh punishments and elaborate reasoning are also used by parents to get their way; children get the measure of these tactics too
* We remain authoritative not through being authoritarian but by continuing to guide, influence, set boundaries for decisions and, sometimes, to direct when necessary
If you are a teacher:
* Boys are often less biddable than girls and have the confidence to argue and make their point if they feel unfairly treated; if you fail to listen, you could lose in the long term
* Lessening your control will not necessarily undermine your authority; put boys more in charge of their own learning, allow them to evaluate their own and each others’ work under your guidance, and the potential for destructive, power-based dynamics will be reduced to a minimum
Perhaps children see people with an over-reliance on power as weak underneath, and exploit this weakness. More likely, they resent their inferior skills and position being taken advantage of. Being neither understood nor treated with the respect they deserve, they express their frustration in the only way they can.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Tell Him His Story
Posted by: | Comments“You took your first steps running away from the vacuum cleaner. It used to terrify you. One day, when it came close, you just took off!”
Young boys love to be told stories about themselves – when they were babies, how any older brothers and sisters reacted when they arrived, and so on. These stories give your son a history. They are pieces of his life’s jigsaw that he needs to complete his picture.
Older children like to hear other stories – about your childhood and school days, or the antics of their aunts and uncles. Such tales deepen your son’s sense of belonging, as he learns more about what it is he belongs to. Each story will act as a connecting thread that will create a sense of continuity in him. Like a spider’s web, the more linking threads there are, the stronger he will feel.
If you are a parent:
* Get out family photos from time to time; talk about the people and events shown in them; this can fill in gaps in his understanding of family history, generate laughter, lead to further conversations, reinforce your son’s identity and increase his confidence
* Regularly recall past holidays, birthdays or treats that were fun and brought the family together
* If you can, collect and keep for your son items such as favorite toys, books, clothes and first shoes, so that he may revisit the past and bring it to life
* Talk about difficulties; don’t bury them; he has a right to information about himself
If you are a teacher:
* Personal life-lines: in a group, discuss special experiences that have marked students’ lives, and what made them significant, how they felt at the time, etc.; ask each child to draw a vertical line on a large sheet of paper (the line represents their life from birth to the present) and to write their own personal positive and negative events on either side of the line
* Not everyone has a happy family story to tell; focus on good and bad, happy and sad experiences, to ensure a full and realistic picture that leaves no one out
Remember, difficult times need to be talked about too. If you blank them out, it will not only break the thread and leave a gap in his history but also damage his confidence about the future.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Teach Coping and Survival Skills
Posted by: | CommentsThe best way to learn to manage some problems is through experience. Experience lessens fear and also helps to build common sense. Hiding from fears makes them grow. Staying indoors or in a g does not build life or street skills, and wrapping boys, or girls, in cotton wool is not responsible parenting. Getting out and about together, walking, cycling and going on public transport teach road and geographical sense and street awareness; going out for night walks will help your son to respect, but not not fear, the dark.
If you are a parent:
* Useful risk-reducing strategies include: stay in public view and populated places; avoid back stairs and subways; go out in a group (preferably with people you know and trust) and stay in it; carry money safely – a small amount in a purse and the rest elsewhere
* Practice verbal responses too; a sharp word delivered quickly is safer than a punch
* Ask if he’s worried about anything, and discuss it
* It’s important that he feels confident; don’t dent his confidence by raising the spectre of disaster
* If he’s going out drinking, give him a good meal first
If you are a teacher:
* If it is practical, organize a termly ‘walk-to-school’ day or week
* Include safety and survival issues in PSE lessons, but keep all discussions as positive as possible: fear of ‘stranger danger’ can get out of hand and undermine children’s confidence
Staying indoors most of the time does not encourage physical fitness either. The two best defenses against bullying and other dangers a strong bodies and inner confidence. When boys are fit, and able t rely on their natural physical strength, it helps them not only to run away or wriggle free but also to feel confident and come across to others as someone with whom it could be a mistake to tangle.
Discuss different ways of coping with such situations with your sox including how to reduce risk and protect himself.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Talk With Touch and Words
Posted by: | CommentsTouch can reassure as well as relax. A boy who is never touched can feel ignored, ashamed and unworthy. His confusion about his need for the affirmation that is conveyed through affectionate touch may make him less confident about touching others as an adult, either with formal handshakes or in physical shows of affection with his own children and partners.
If you are a parent:
* Little strokes of his forehead, head or hands at bedtime or while watching TV – or just sitting close – can be a way to introduce touch into your relationship
* Experiment with little touches to replace words
* If your son finds being touched difficult or embarrassing, ask him what’s OK and when
* Consider buying him a pet to help him feel comfortable about expressing affection through touch
* Ask your partner to massage, stroke or hug you as a reminder of how good it feels; this may make it easier for you to be more expressive with your son
If you are a teacher:
* Child-protection issues make many teachers reluctant to touch children; in any case, as boys grow older, it becomes increasingly difficult and inappropriate to do so; just standing close to a boy while looking over his work can show you accept him and feel no discomfort in his presence
* Some teachers greet their class of young children individually as they enter the classroom, inviting each boy to choose how he wishes to say hello each time – with a smile, a handshake, or nothing at all if that’s how he feels that day
Touch can communicate better than words. It can say so much, in so many ways, and it is less open to misinterpretation. And it need only take a split second. The positive touch can be a full embrace or an arm round your son’s shoulders; it can ask for nothing in return or seek a simple sign from him that he has acknowledged your gesture. It can demonstrate to him and to others that he belongs to you. It can heal an argument and say you’re sorry. It can console him after a disappointment, show how proud you are, or express equality and partnership. But touch can also hurt. Hitting is hurtful, and merely pushing your son away when you’re angry can signal deep rejection.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Support the School
Posted by: | CommentsBoys are growing up in a male culture that questions the value of social and academic success. No single person can change that culture. What we can do to encourage boys to believe that it’s cool to succeed, however, is strengthen the ties between home and school, and support each other.
If you are a parent:
* Avoid complaining about your son’s school in front of him, even if you’re unhappy with it
* Wherever possible, both parents should attend meetings about a boy’s progress in school; the absent parent should telephone his teacher for a summary
* Try to make time to watch him take part in school events; avoid saying: ‘Not another thing that school/club/you want me to do!’
* Attend fundraising events with your son so that he feels part of the school
* Help him gather/remember the things he’s been asked to bring to school
If you are a teacher:
* Let parents know when things are going well, not only when there may be problems, so that they can feel proud of their sons and therefore good about themselves
* Take parents’ worries seriously, and respond to their concerns with respect
* Avoid appearing to criticize a boy’s parents: ‘Didn’t your mum know you’d need sandwiches for today’s trip/check that you had everything?’
* Make parents’ evenings focus on what parents can do to help their boys set and achieve realistic, short-term targets in learning
If parents respect schools, and schools respect parents, there will be fewer cracks for boys to fall through, particularly during the earth-moving time of adolescence. Parents who distance themselves from their son’s school and its events not only create split loyalties, but also make it easier for boys to team up with the tearaways rather than the teachers.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Support Him When He’s Stressed
Posted by: | CommentsContrary to common belief, stress is not something suffered only by adults. In fact, children get a double dose, from events in their own lives, such as bullying, academic pressure and friendship problems, and from the knock-on effect of adult stress, because we all behave less skillfully towards children when we’re preoccupied by our own problems. Add to this the fear that a boy will have less experience of life and himself to trust that ‘normality’ will resume, and we can see that he is likely to get more confused and disorientated than adults, not less.
Stressful events that can destabilise a boy are those that involve separations from those close to him, and changes to his status and self-image or to the pattern of his life, in either routines or relationships.
If you are a parent:
* Spend more time with him, help to boost his self-esteem and ensure he gets plenty of sleep
* Take his worries and his view of what he’d like to happen seriously
* Keep him informed of changes and decisions, so he feels more In control, and maintain regular routines to bolster his security
* Giving emotional support to needy boys is tiring; get more rest so you feel more able to give
If you are a teacher:
* Brief yourself about and watch out for all the possible signs of distress in your students, including poor work, bad behavior, visits to the school nurse and truancy, and respond accordingly
* Try to find some time to talk to any boy who seems withdrawn and tired in class
* Talk to colleagues and contact the boy’s home if your worries continue
* Be aware that your own stress levels may make you less tolerant of challenging behavior
Signs that he may be feeling distressed about something include a prolonged sad and unhappy mood, becoming withdrawn disturbed sleep, being very tired, being unusually thirsty, tummy and other pains, aggression, stealing, poor concentration and inattention, and becoming more clingy.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Support and Encourage, Don’t Control and Push
Posted by: | CommentsSupport and encouragement give boys the energy they need to concentrate better, stay with things, achieve more and feel good about their progress. Controlling and pushing can leave boys exhausted, resentful and inclined to opt out.
When we support and encourage, we share a boy’s burden and give him the courage to try new things. By contrast, when we control and push, we add to his burdens, imply that he cannot be trusted to do it on his own, sap his courage and undermine his self-belief.
If you are a parent:
* Show an interest in what he does; watch him undertaking various activities; ask how things went after he makes a special effort
* Offer help, take him where he needs to go; discuss problems; answer questions
* Listen when he tells you about his problems and successes; share his enthusiasm about dreams and goals; mark his achievements
* Show trust; help him set his own goals in a time frame he can manage
* Discover and accept your son’s learning style and preferred work patterns
If you are a teacher:
* Give him detailed information about the progress he’s made and what he still needs to do
* Help him devise a plan of action if he gets stuck, to keep him on course
* Be enthusiastic about his improvements
* Use stars, stickers and incentives carefully; if boys decide it’s no longer cool to work for rewards, they are left with nothing to work for
* Letters, postcards or certificates sent to students’ homes remove the potential for peer ridicule and allow parents to enthuse about their sons’ achievements
Controlling, pushy adults are likely to finish tasks for their son; fill his time with activities; point out mistakes immediately; be competitive; issue threats; set new goals in quick succession; hover and get involved in homework, rubbing out mistakes and so on.