Archive for Parent
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Show that You Understand Him
Posted by: | CommentsAll children find being misunderstood hugely frustrating. It starts as an irritation, but when the mistake persists, a boy will begin to question whether his version of himself is normal, reasonable and justified. When boys consider their wishes are continuously ignored or misinterpreted, they feel not only humiliated but also increasingly resentful, angry and, more damagingly, self-doubting.
One parent recently said this about her son: “He came home from school one day more bad-tempered than I’d seen for ages. He was rude and offhand. He used words that sounded like playground talk; then I realized he was probably repeating what had been said to him. He flung his arms round me and cried with relief that I had understood.”
If you are a parent:
* Accept how he sees the world; he doesn’t have to agree with you, nor you with him
* Value his uniqueness; tell him what you like about him
* Look behind his behavior for possible causes and feelings; let him know that you know
* Repeat what he says to you, to check you’ve understood: ‘So you want me to stay in tonight because you’re fed up with me working late so much this week, is that right?’
* Remember his likes/dislikes
* State what he’s likely to feel about something: ‘You’re not going to like this, but I don’t want you staying out all night’
If you are a teacher:
* Make a conscious effort to notice patterns in a boy’s work that enable you to see him as an individual: ‘You really like painting birds, don’t you?’ or ‘You’re always writing about fishing; it must be your passion!’
* Encourage class work that shows boys’ likes and dislikes, and try to remember a few
* For particularly trying boys, list four reasons why this might be so (excluding ‘difficult personality’)
* Use ‘reflective-listening’ phrases: ‘what I hear you saying is that you did not feel you knew enough to begin this homework. Let’s start from what you’re sure you know’
Understanding can be shown through anticipating his needs and -carefully – expressing his possible thoughts. You can say things like: ‘I guess you’re feeling a bit left out. Am I right?’ This gives him room to disagree, and stops you coming across as infuriatingly all-knowing – and possibly wrong.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: See With Both Ears
Posted by: | CommentsLike listening with both eyes, seeing with both ears means helping adults to be more sensitive to boys and their experiences. A boy’s inner world is as important to him as the outer, visible one. Certainly both influence the quality of his self-esteem, but the former is possibly more important.
If you are a parent:
* Listen for, and rephrase, negative self-talk
* Try to keep a record of what he says and how often he makes such comments, even if in apparent jest, to understand any pattern or the scale of the problem
* Simply denying a child’s self-criticism won’t have much impact; repeat often, over a period of time, that you see him differently; say, e.g.: ‘I find you quick to see the point/amusing and fun to be with../ or ‘I see you as someone who…’
If you are a teacher:
* Be positive! Discourage negativity and challenge ‘I can’t do this’ assertions
* Encourage self-evaluation tasks in which students write about their performance, highlighting the areas where they believe they performed best
* If a boy says he’s no good and knows nothing, draw a horizontal line with ‘Knowing nothing’ at one end and ‘Knowing everything’ at the other; invite him to mark the spot that represents how much he really knows, and he’ll realize that he does know something
You get a glimpse of what might be happening inside him from listening to his ‘self-talk’ – that is, what he says about himself. For example, a boy may seem to be doing fine at school, and have done especially well on a particular test. You then feel you can relax and assume he feels good about himself. He may, however, respond to the result by saying. That was a fluke. I didn’t deserve it’ or ‘I’ll probably fail next time.’ His words show that, inside, he doubts himself. He may have plenty of friends, but if one cries off a visit and he says, ‘He’s probably had a better invitation,’ it again indicates a tendency to put himself down.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Respect His Teachers
Posted by: | CommentsSchools and parents need to work in together as partners – with each other, not against each other – if children are to do well.
It’s far harder now than when teaching was done twenty-five years ago. It is not so much the constant changes to what the teachers are expected to teach or the extra paperwork; it is the parents and the students who show the teachers so little respect now. When children hear parents doing the teachers down at home, it’s hard for them to accept the teacher’s (and further more, the school’s) authority and take work seriously when they’re at school.
Parents
* At all times, try to reflect the teacher’s commitments and perspective, even if you take your son’s side
* Teachers are people too; they have personal lives and sometimes go through hard times; they like to hear good news as well as bad; most do their best and are stretched close to their limit
* Don’t be too shy to tell teachers what seems to work best for your son; they can’t know everything
* It’s only fair to the teacher and your son to tell the school if there’s a problem at home that might affect his behavior or work in school
Teachers
* These days, we all have to earn the respect we feel is our due; don’t put parents down; try to see things from their point of view
* Be aware that vulnerable parents are likely to take your treatment of their son personally, as if you’re doing it to them; respecting every boy in your care contributes to respectful home-school relationships
* Send home good news, not just bad
* At parent-teacher evenings, take parents’ concerns seriously, and end with: ‘Is there anything else?’; an alternative time can be arranged if the issue demands it
Children need to trust their teacher if they are to engage fully with learning. Constant carping about teachers at home, especially about a particular one, will encourage a boy to block out whatever that teacher is trying to impart.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Respect His Right to Know
Posted by: | CommentsBoys in particular like to live within rules and structure. They thrive when they feel secure and can predict what is going to happen to them. The unexpected can be very unsettling. Sometimes things happen out of the blue and any adults involved can be equally surprised. But more often the adults know in advance and simply fail to keep a child properly informed.
Children need to be able to make sense of their world. If they can’t, they live in social and emotional chaos. They make sense of their life both through the patterns that emerge when life is ordered and each day has a predictable shape to it; and through being given explanations when there are changes. Young children’s brains develop through constructing meaningful patterns, so every child needs to make sense of knowledge and events before he can learn.
If you are a parent:
* Try to tell your son about things before they happen, as they happen, and afterwards explain why something happened
* You can tell him about your own feelings and discuss his
* He can be told about changes in routines, partners and relationships and about absences
* He can be told about your decisions, and the reasons for them
* You can give him facts, answering his questions about such things as death and divorce honestly, but in terms which he can comfortably comprehend
If you are a teacher:
* Give boys good warning of any changes to the daily routine of the classroom
* If you know that you’re going to be away, tell them in advance, and let them know who’ll be taking your place
* Explain why any punishment or ‘consequence’ is being imposed
* Explain fully why a piece of work is either good or falls short of the required standard
* Keep boys informed about the time, it will take to mark important tests or projects, and explain any delay in returning work to them
When you explain things to your son, you show that you respect his right to know, empathize with his need to make sense of his world, respect his ability to comprehend and understand, and trust him with the information.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Respect His Feelings
Posted by: | CommentsFeelings are fundamental; they make us who we are. Many parents find it hard to accept that their boys can be fearful and anxious. Men aren’t supposed to have those vulnerabilities, and the sooner a boy overcomes them, the sooner his parents can be reassured that their son is going to be a ‘real’ man, and also stop having to spend valuable time and energy dealing with those fears and feelings. Fear of the dark, water, spiders, losing friendships, failure, nightmares and bogeymen all seem irrational to parents and test their patience. They respond with rational arguments, but, for the boy, the fear may be purely emotional and, therefore, irrational.
If you are a parent:
* Respect his fears and anxieties
* Share his delights and disappointments
* Acknowledge and describe how he might be feeling, so that he develops a Vocabulary that will help him to understand his reactions
* Jealousy is natural, normal and acceptable, but it’s not acceptable to hurt anyone because of jealousy
If you are a teacher:
* As part of a literacy strategy, junior children can be given a ‘feelings’ book in which they can write how they felt about particular lessons, projects or homework
* Fear of failure explains a wide variety of behavior that obstructs learning; encourage boys to be open about fears
* At all ages, drama and role-play can allow both boys and girls to explore emotions ‘safely’
* Debates in mixed gender groups will enable boys to learn more about empathy
* Encourage them to explore emotions by reading literature
Whether it is delight or disappointment, fear or fury, joy or jealousy; boys are entitled to have their feelings acknowledged and respected by their parents and carers, just as girls are.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Read and Learn Together
Posted by: | CommentsBoys are known to lag behind girls in speech and language development, and this often has a knock-on effect on their interest and skill in reading. Children need to grow up in their own way and at their own pace, and there is no value whatsoever in pushing a boy to read if he is not ready to do so. However, all children find learning to read easier if they are familiar with books, are interested in what what they can learn from them, enjoy just looking at the pictures in them, and associate books with a cozy intimacy with people they’re close to.
If you are a parent:
* Boys are often more interested in non-fiction than in stories; information books don’t have to be read from cover to cover; let your son choose, but be aware that for boys, reading fiction develops reflection and is enormously beneficial
* Don’t push him to read before he shows an interest in learning
* If fathers and other male carers find time to read to boys regularly, books are less likely to be regarded as ‘sissy’ or ‘just for girls’
* Avoid doing reading practice at bedtime – he’ll be far too tired to concentrate
If you are a teacher:
* Choose a range of subjects for class reading to appeal to both boys and girls, and recognize the learning advantages of reading fiction
* Develop paired/shared reading programs so that unconfident but competent readers assist weaker ones
* Invite local male role models to class to discuss books, poetry and drama
* Encourage a school culture that depicts reading as both a male and female activity
* Set up seminars in junior schools at which boys present books they have recently enjoyed
Grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles, stepfathers, stepmothers, boyfriends and girlfriends are all people who may have a special relationship with a boy and can help him start on the track to reading and fluent literacy by sharing books with him.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Promote Self-Direction
Posted by: | CommentsPeople don’t resist change; they resist being changed.
One form of independence is self-direction. Children who are self directed are able to manage tasks and problems independently. They experience autonomy – a degree of control over themselves, being able to influence at least some aspects of their life that are currently important to them. Boys who are given no chance to direct themselves, or who lack the skills or confidence to do so, feel helpless and depend entirely on others to move forward.
If you are a parent:
* Directive parents create dependency: the more you tell boys what to do, the less competent they feel and the more they need you
* Give pocket money as soon as he can manage it, then he can spend without reference to you
* When children feel helpless, they soon feel hopeless
* If you feel he should change something, involve him in deciding when and how; if he wants to change something, co-operate
* To become self-directed, boys need discretionary time; filling his every moment doesn’t help
If you are a teacher:
* Students improve when they have a clear understanding of what to do to make progress; be specific about objectives and targets
* Asking a boy: ‘Do you want to do this task this way or that way?’ helps him to feel he has some control over what he has been asked to do
* Once he has a target, ask him how he plans to reach it
* Encourage him to think, plan ahead and manage his own time to meet his needs and yours
* Encourage self-appraisal as part of the process
Self-direction and independence feed each other. The more self-directed boys are, the better they can manage independence; and the more appropriate independence they have, the more they develop the confidence and skills to become self-directed and self-reliant, and to show initiative and creativity.
A boy’s first experience of self-direction will be his mother or carer responding to his basic need for food, warmth, comfort and attention.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Offer Him Safety, Security and Predictability
Posted by: | CommentsThe Concise Oxford Dictionary defines confidence as ‘firm trust assured expectation; boldness’.
Nobody can develop self-confidence if he neither trusts himself nor has the assured expectation that other people’s behaviors is trustworthy and predictable. Boys who do not have a measure of consistency and predictability in their lives will find it very hard to acquire the necessary trust – in others or in themselves – to become either truly self-confident or genuinely independent. When adults behave in an arbitrary and neglectful way, they undermine a child’s confidence and generate emotional dependency.
If you are a parent:
* Ask yourself whether your son will begin each day with a clear idea of what’s going to happen and when, in terms of routines, events, or people with whom he will be involved
* Try to ensure that he sees any absent parent regularly
* Make your own behavior towards him as reliable and predictable as possible; if you have moods, or your routine has to change, try to explain why
* Consider whether there’s anything you can do to increase a sense of order and ‘assured expectation’ in his life
If you are a teacher:
* Boys benefit when lessons have a clear structure and purpose, and the aims and objectives are made clear at the start, so they know what to expect
* Boys work best when given tightly structured tasks that channel their speaking and listening energies and skills in purposeful directions
* Let them know well in advance if there are to be any changes to the normal school day or lesson
Routines help to nurture both trust and security. If a boy’s key carers clearly trust him and provide consistency, he can begin to trust himself, his judgment and the behavior of other people. Parents don’t make their son independent by disappearing from his life and letting him fend for himself, but by being there for him.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Offer Him Opportunities to Test Himself
Posted by: | CommentsConfidence flows from competence. When a boy feels he can do things well, when his experience of himself is of one of success and overcoming obstacles rather than failing and falling short, his confidence will grow in leaps and bounds.
If you are a parent:
* Every journey begins with a first step; he won’t be as good as you, but he’ll need to feel competent from the beginning; teasing him for incompetence will set him back
* Activity holidays and after-school clubs can introduce boys to a range of new skills
* Involve him in the jobs you do – cooking, cleaning, car washing, weeding, DIY, doing your business or home accounts, or caring for others – and be tolerant of the extra time it may take
* Let him try out his thoughts and opinions on you and respect them; don’t compete
If you are a teacher:
* Boys need to be encouraged to volunteer for jobs, and special ones sometimes have to be created for them as an additional incentive
* Encourage any boy who seems to lack friends, confidence and social skills to socialize in a variety of ways
* Drama can be used effectively in many lessons to get boys to try out new roles and learn new skills
The more skills he acquires the better, but he won’t achieve anything if he just watches TV all the time or is constantly told that he’s useless. Get him out and about as well, to ensure a good balance in his leisure activities. Avoid gender stereotyping when you suggest new things he could try.
When the time is right, letting him have a taste of the world of work will help to increase his confidence about his possible future and let him see you functioning in a different role outside the home. He may wish to take some part-time work or, if it’s relevant or feasible, he could occasionally go with you to work. Schools increasingly organize work experience for their students, but extra tasters before and after such placements will add to the benefits.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Offer Extra Closeness
Posted by: | CommentsWhen a boy experiences stress and difficulty, he will need the reassurance of the adults he depends upon even more. However, if his parents are angry or disappointed, they are more likely to withdraw than to draw closer to him. Children understand themselves through their key relationships – those they have with friends, family and professionals. If these supports disappear in his time of need, your son will doubt himself even more profoundly.
If you are a parent:
* Changes that may upset your son can include: moving house; Starting at a new school; illness In the family; bereavement; you Starting a new relationship and difficulties in your current one
* Depending on your son’s age, you can try: talking to him as he takes a bath; sitting on his bed at night; sitting next to him while he watches TV; keeping him company as he walks to the bus stop; or giving him lifts in the car and chatting to him as you drive
If you are a teacher:
* Spend time with him in a quiet corner
* Ask him to help you with tasks
* Find time to have short personal conversations
* Keep reminding him that he can ‘talk things through’ with you, or suggest another person he might talk to (friends, parents, form teacher or befriender)
Not only will he lose confidence in himself and question his identity; he will also be further confused and unsettled by the altered behavior of the people closest to him.
All changes are difficult for children. In times of change and trouble, try to stay close and be around more.