Archive for parenting
The Basics of Parenting Your Boys: Encourage and Value A Range of Skills
Posted by: | CommentsA boy in London’s deprived East End wanted to study Dance at A-level. A dance project at his school had given him a new interest and talent. When his father found out, he was furious. He threatened to throw his son out of the house if he went ahead, so the boy was forced to give up his dream.
Children do best when they experience lots of success and believe they are good at a range of different things. The more they experience themselves as competent, the more likely they are to have a go at new things. They will also widen their skills base, which will increase their ability to cope in a range of different situations. Academic success is by no means the only way to value a child.
If you are a parent:
* Try to broaden his base of achievement; let him try a range of activities and skills; libraries keep details of local children’s groups and activities
* Every child will benefit from believing he is good at something – it might be cleaning his bike, playing with other children, being creative with Lego or good at computers, for example
* Limit television viewing; he needs balance and variety to get the best from himself and to feel proud and successful
* Try to involve him in the practical things you do around your home
If you are a teacher:
* Find something that each boy is good at, tell him he’s good at it, and work to develop his strengths
* If a boy has a talent that is unusual, encourage the other children to respect his skill; but first, find what it is
* Work hard to break down gender-stereotypical choices for options in Year 9
* Set up after-school and break-time clubs to introduce students to new interests
Every boy will have many talents. He may be good at football, dancing, drawing, constructing models, climbing trees, rollerblading, or bicycle tricks. He may know a lot about insects, animals or gardening, be good at thinking things through or getting himself organized. He may be quick to understand how someone’s feeling, or be tuned in well to his own feelings.
The Basics of Parenting Your Boys: Encourage a Caring Masculinity
Posted by: | CommentsBoys will be able to feel more at one with themselves and at ease with one another if they can develop their caring instincts in parallel with other features of their personality. Masculinity does not have to be identified solely with physicality, aggression, brutality, crudity or cruelty, to the exclusion of other, softer characteristics.
No one is suggesting that boys lose their gender identity to become like girls or that men ignore the effects of their hormones to ape women. We all, women included, have a tough side and a tender side. Boys’ self-esteem will rise when they don’t have to deny important bits of themselves.
If you are a parent:
Teachers
* Give him permission to feel and express tenderness toward cuddly toys, babies, animals and his younger brothers and sisters
* Teach him to care for other people
* Try not to belittle any men you know or hear about who take on caring jobs or roles
* Don’t tolerate hurtful talk or behavior simply because you think ‘boys will be boys’
If you are a teacher:
* Encourage a policy of zero-tolerance across all classrooms of macho talk that is based on violence, aggression or insensitivity
* Avoid timetabling community service as an alternative to sport; playing sport is not incompatible with spending time with elderly people
* Ensure plenty of class discussion to raise awareness of caring and gender issues
A recent survey estimated that five million workers are bullied each year, which represents a lot of misery. Of course, women can bully too, but it is likely that more people in a position to bully will be men. When we fail to challenge young children’s view of masculinity as associated only with power, aggression and control, the damage to individuals can be widespread.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Don’t Make Approval Conditional on Good Behavior
Posted by: | CommentsOne of the things prospective employers are wary of when they interview people for jobs is any applicant who curries favor, seeks approval, avoids disagreement and seems not to have faith in his own judgment. Anyone showing these signs is rejected, for insecurity and uncertainty are unhelpful in the workplace.
Of course, we all have times when we feel insecure, but some people feel it more than others and some are hampered by self-doubt most of the time.
If you are a parent:
* Accept that he won’t be perfect and that mistakes are not only inevitable but also important for learning
* See the funny side of his errors
* Behavior talks: he’s not bad, just trying to say something; look behind any naughty behavior for possible reasons
* Disapprove of what he does, not who he is
* With an older boy, you can disagree with what he wants to do, yet still support his right to do it
If you are a teacher:
* Be aware that reward systems for work and behavior might lead unsuccessful boys to feel disapproved of
* Show approval towards all students: respect, show interest in and talk to each one, not just the accommodating and successful ones
* Involve all students in decision-making, to develop their independence and self-esteem, and to demonstrate that you trust and approve of their ability to make judgments
* Show that you value a wide range of skills
The tendency can start in childhood. Boys grow strong inside when they feel approved of, loved and accepted for who they are. If an adult’s approval is conditional, forthcoming only when a boy is being ‘good’, he will be forever looking over his shoulder, creating distance between his instincts and his actions. Always having to play to the parental gallery, he will soon lose sight of himself and never develop any sense of personal integrity.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Don’t Invest Your Self-Worth in His Success
Posted by: | CommentsAlthough parents and teachers are naturally pleased when their sons and students do well, it is very dangerous when adults begin to rely on a child’s success for their own sense of self-worth. It can damage a boy’s self-esteem in a number of subtle ways.
If you are a parent:
* If you want to tell other people about your son’s achievements, ask his permission; then think about who you want to tell, and why
* Avoid setting your son a new target as soon as he has reached one; might you benefit in some way from the pressure you’re putting on him?
* Ask yourself whether you have higher expectations for your sons than for your daughters; do you identify more closely with your son for some reason?
* Remind yourself it’s his success, from his effort, and that it’s his to hold on to
If you are a teacher:
* Good teachers deliver more than results; to stop yourself becoming too hooked on results at times when you’re at the risk of doing so, list some other things you are keen for your students to develop and achieve
* If you think you may become success-dependent, list all the other things you are good at which give you pleasure
* If one group’s results are not good, and you find yourself becoming depressed as a result, put yourself back in control; list the things you could do differently next time that might change the outcome
If parents feel good about themselves only when their child succeeds, they are, in effect, stealing success from him; this will leave him feeling used, confused and empty instead of fulfilled. Only further, and repeated, success will restore his sense of achievement, which often leads to the burden of perfectionism. He will also come to believe that he is valued solely for what he can do, not for who he is.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Develop Responsibility and Safe Risk-Taking
Posted by: | CommentsResearch shows that, from birth onwards, boys are more inclined towards risk-taking than girls, less reflective about any implications and therefore less thoughtful and cautious. Safer risk-taking can be encouraged by letting our sons know we care, by improving their thinking and reflective skills and, crucially, by ensuring that their responsibilities grow in line with their rights. Responsibility is important. Through it, we find out what we can do, we feel trusted, trustworthy and respected, and we gain in competence, which in itself contributes to safer risk-taking.
If you are a parent:
* When your son asks for more independence, try to give it to him; if the particular freedom he seeks causes problems, discuss an alternative change that will satisfy him – he’ll then have less need to struggle and prove himself
* Be aware of his co-ordination skills and physical strength, and keep his risk-taking in line with his physical abilities
* Rights matched by responsibilities can encourage safer behavior, but all boys, especially adolescents, will take risks at some point; talk to your son about safe risk-taking and trust, and set clear limits to his freedoms
If you are a teacher:
* Learning involves taking responsibility and risks; when kept in balance, these offer useful lessons for life
* Challenging boys, or those with low self-esteem, may respond well to being given special tasks and responsibilities
* Boys who undertake death-defying acts may be mirroring the irresponsibility they perceive in close adults; be attuned to the reasons behind high-risk behavior
* Address the pros and cons of risk-taking in PSE lessons and assemblies; explore the need for thrill and excitement and the role it plays
A boy should grow up with appropriate and increasing experience of responsibility, beginning with things like tidying up after himself, getting his school things ready and rinsing out his football and swimming outfits and equipment. Later, he can take reasonable and progressive responsibility for others, which also encourages task commitment. Nevertheless, the ability to take risks is important. Be tolerant of the mistakes your son will inevitably make while he’s learning to take responsibility.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Deal Positively With Peer Pressure
Posted by: | CommentsPeer pressure, along with bullying and drugs, is a subject that frightens many parents, and it seems that parents of boys are particularly worried about these issues. Quite apart from not wanting the expense of providing the ‘in’ trainers, designer leisurewear, and the very latest in computerized home entertainment, we like to believe that our sons will be sufficiently independent to withstand the pull of the peer group, especially when they become involved in illegal activities.
If you are a parent:
* Don’t drive your son into the arms of antisocial friends by being negative/constantly critical; the best way to help him resist them is to nurture his self-esteem and give him inner strength
* If he wants expensive clothes/games, facilitate his contribution towards their cost through saving regular pocket money or (if old enough) his part-time earnings
* Ask him to question whether people who won’t allow him to be different are truly friends
* Remember, boys who are open to peer pressure are impressionable; help him feel that he is acceptable as he is
If you are a teacher:
* Be aware of the power of peer groups to divert some boys from their studies; a befrienders’ scheme can offer vulnerable boys a listening ear
* Discuss the issue of peer pressure frequently in assembly, English or PSE lessons
* Many boys who are seduced away from learning are vulnerable because they are already failing; identify those who might be led astray as early as possible and offer them mentoring to keep them on track
Children generally love to conform and hate to be different. Their earliest flirtation with independence from parents and self-expression is frequently via the safe route of fashion, and the younger they are when they choose their own clothes, music and so on, the more likely this is to be. Not all peer groups are insidious.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Cherish and Trust Yourself
Posted by: | CommentsWhile you are looking after the boys in your care, you must also look after yourself. We don’t need to be told that the better we feel about ourselves, the better we cope with challenge and difficulty and the nicer we are towards those we live and work with. We all know this. We know, too, that when we have had a bad day or are very tired, we tend to take our frustrations out on our nearest and dearest. Looking after ourselves is an investment which benefits others, for, when we behave well, we feel positive towards other people and pass on our feelings to them.
If you are a parent:
* Talk to others; it usually helps
* Identify your little luxury, the thing that calms you down and restores your faith in yourself; it may be reading a trashy book, going to the pictures or having a drink with friends
* Make sure your choice of ‘pick-me-up’ is realistic; when grandiose schemes fail, it can have the opposite effect
* Try to arrange for it to happen on a regular basis; while some things can be slotted into small time slots, others need more time and require planning
* ‘I’ve always wanted to…’ so do it
If you are a teacher:
* Trust and believe in yourself; if you doubt your skills, you may interpret difficult behavior as a personal attack, and react defensively, provocatively and unconstructively
* List what you see as your professional strengths, then identify where there’s room for improvement; discuss with colleagues how to share collective skills, to aid professional development
* Challenging boys make heavy demands; rather than pretend total competence and suffer, set up a group with supportive colleagues to pool understanding and ideas
* After a bad patch, pamper, don’t punish, yourself
It can be hard to trust your competence during every stage that children pass through and with every issue that presents itself. Most parents and carers enjoy certain developmental stages more than others. While teachers can choose whether to teach little ones or older children, parents have no choice: they have to cope throughout. Your uncertainty will be real, but children value firmness. Discuss any problems with partners and friends, carefully review your initial reactions, and if you still feel the same, trust yourself and remain consistent.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Channel Competition Creatively
Posted by: | CommentsAlmost all boys have a competitive urge. Channeled sensibly sensitively and creatively, it can be used to good effect in developing their motivation, their capacity to achieve and their sense of self. Exploited carelessly it can lead to anxiety, despair and a decision to opt out.
If you are a parent:
* It is better to identify a specific target – Try to improve the mark for your piano scales’ -than the general – ‘Go for a distinction this time’
* Don’t fuel competition between brothers and sisters; each child needs to be successful in his or her own way, and accepted unconditionally for who he or she is
* Avoid competing against your son, especially if your intention is to spur him to greater effort
* Fun competitions are fine: ‘See if you can beat me to the top of the stairs’ is a great way to get him to go to bed
If you are a teacher:
* Research shows that teaching based on competition produces anxious children
* Encourage children to perform to improve, not impress, and give feedback to them so that they can see what progress they’ve made
* Try playing musical chairs in two ways: first, as usual -removing chairs and children each round – and second, telling the children to find other laps as chairs disappear; ask which version they prefer; cooperative games show how much fun it can be just to join in
Boys will do best when they are encouraged to compete against themselves, when they focus on doing better than their last best effort. This way, their self-esteem can remain intact. The danger comes when they try to perform to impress their friends or adults, set their sights on beating others, and invest their self-worth in the result. Even though a boy may have tried really hard and prepared well, others might have tried harder, or simply have a more natural talent. Whenever the outcome is not wholly in his control, there is the chance that he’ll fail because of anxiety, and his self-esteem may suffer.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Boys Do Best When an Involved Man Cares
Posted by: | CommentsBoys do well in all types of families, but they are more secure when a caring man is involved. This man may be a father, relative, neighbor, youth leader or someone from his school. We know from studies that the earlier this special relationship can be established, the better; but otherwise the maxim ‘Better late then never’ certainly applies.
Boys benefit from a special relationship with a father figure for three reasons: first, being with someone who obviously enjoys his company and is interested in what he does will give him faith in himself; second, having a good relationship with a male ‘mentor’ and positive role model will show him what he can become; third, the personal qualities of this person will enhance his understanding of people and extend his choices about how to behave.
If you are a parent:
* A relationship with a father figure may start naturally, but if it doesn’t, you could start by inviting a possible ‘mentor’ on an outing with you, or invite him round for tea or to watch a video with you and your son
* Identify your son’s interests, and ask neighbors if they have similar likes or hobbies and could support your son with his
* I don’t put your son off someone who is showing an interest, or say hurtful things like ‘Why does he think you’re so special?’ You may think your son is a trial, but this won’t be everyone’s view
If you are a teacher:
* Research shows that boys have been turned away from a life of crime or drugs by a teacher who showed a special interest in them and accepted them for who they were; often the teacher was oblivious to his influence
* Be aware of any individual’s vulnerability and his need to be listened to and understood
* Invite suitable men to participate in a range of appropriate class and school-based activities, bearing in mind that police checks now need to be made
* Explore the potential of local mentoring with vulnerable boys
Fathers can’t always be this person, for various reasons. Try not to let jealousy stop somebody else you know from getting close to your son. Provided the relationship is a positive one, and you are sure there’s nothing wrong going on, boys benefit from a reliable man giving them his full attention.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Be His Last Point of Refuge
Posted by: | CommentsWhen life has been hard for your son, when he has had enough and no longer has the energy to be brave or keep up a front, he’ll need somewhere to hide, somewhere and someone to be his last point of refuge. This is the place where he can be himself, and where – for a short time at least – no one is holding him accountable. Here he will feel accepted, unconditionally. This is where he can truly relax, safe in the knowledge that someone is there for him who will take away his burdens when he can no longer carry them.
If you are a parent:
* If he asks for forgiveness after a difficult incident, accept his olive branch and try to put the whole thing behind you
* Giving him refuge does not mean you have to ignore forever behavior that you have found difficult
* Take the waiting out of wanting; anticipate his feelings and volunteer solace when you can see that he needs it
If you are a teacher:
* Boys can find it especially hard to admit errors and may get themselves into further trouble by offering multiple and increasingly thin excuses; try to intervene and forgive before he digs himself in too deep
* Some boys rely on school for their solace, so make sure it’s on offer somewhere
* Help boys to be aware of this need through class discussion of who they may go to and when, where and why
* Peer counseling or befrienders’ schemes can make boys more willing to seek refuge within school
Home, for children, is the obvious place, and parents are the obvious people, because it is parents who matter most to a child. However, there are times and situations when parents feel they don’t have the emotional reserves to give their child the consolation he requires. When this happens, ask yourself whether your son wants any more than for you to be close to him, without saying or doing anything else. This may be all he needs.