Archive for parents
The basics of when cultures act happiness as parents
Posted by: | CommentsIn many ways, cultures and subcultures act like parents. Cultures may be national, racial, or ethnic. Your school, your religion, and your neighborhood are subcultures. There are many more. Each tries to dictate what people are supposed to do or not do. Often mottoes or repetitive phrases reinforce cultural beliefs. Compliance or lack of compliance with these rules determines whether or not a person fits in.
The problem of fitting in is often experienced by children who move from one school to another or by families who move from one part of a country to another. Their life styles and manners may be so different from those in the new situation that they feel like overly critical parents or rejected children. This is changing with the recognition that we live in a multicultural world that has many advantages over parochialism.
Culture shock can be painful or pleasurable, as any traveler knows. Culture shock happens when change is so extreme or rapid that people feel disoriented and out of place. They don’t yet fit into the new scene. They may hear a different language spoken, notice different expectations, come up against different laws. Suddenly, in addition to their own parents and their past “cultural parent,” they have a new cultural parent to cope with.
The same feelings of shock and stress are often experienced when even minor geographical moves are undertaken. For example, transferring from one school to another can be very traumatic if the school culture is different. So can a move from a rural area to a big city, or vice versa. Also, what may seem like a minor move to parents could be a major move to children.
Being of a particular race, religion, class, or ethnic group in a city where the majority of people are different may also lead to confusion or unhappiness. Being part of a dominant group is usually more comfortable than the opposite. Those of the majority often have more opportunities to pursue life, liberty and personal happiness.
People who immigrate to new countries often experience prejudice. Their previous expectations and lifestyles may not fit into their new life. Some adjust. Others do not. They may be apprehensive or critical of new ways and experience despair, or they may be pushy and try to influence others to accept the values they brought with them. They may be ridiculed, ignored, or discriminated against in life-threatening ways. Jobs may be hard to get, language barriers overwhelming, and the new country that was expected to be a liberating home may instead be a confusing, even restricting, one.
In spite of this, the search for happiness goes on. Many continue their old customs and form new subcultures of like-minded people. Others adjust to the new culture either happily or unhappily, depending on many variables and on comparisons made to “the way it was back home.” Gradually the culture shock disappears.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Fight the Might of Muscles
Posted by: | CommentsThe classic male body may be the dream of many, but not every boy is going to grow up naturally endowed with broad shoulders and rippling muscles. Many families, and some racial groups, simply don’t transmit the right genes to bring this about. Boys may not worry about the pout of their lips, the spread of their buttocks or the size of their eyes, but they experience as much anxiety about body shape and the condition of their skin as pubescent girls.
If you are a parent:
* Teach him to care for and honor his body, whatever its shape, by supporting him when he’s ill and helping him stay clean, fit and healthy
* Be careful what you say about men’s physique, so you don’t applaud media stereotypes
* If he wants to do weight-training, and it’s safe, support him, don’t tease; but make sure he knows that he’s lovable as he is and that girls go for personality and humor more than looks
* Don’t teach him to hit back at or exploit physical size with other boys
If you are a teacher:
* Avoid comments such as: ‘You’re big and strong; you can help me with these books’
* Make boys aware of the power of advertising in establishing preferred body images
* Talk about what makes a ‘real man’
* Break down stereotypes through discussion, classroom displays and teaching materials
* Initiate work on bullying and operate zero tolerance of physical fights on or near school grounds
Muscles take on a special value wherever physical strength is prized above other attributes and where might is viewed as right. If everyone in your family respects social, rather than physical, qualities in human beings, and rejects the use of muscle power to end disputes, your son’s self-esteem will flourish, whatever his shape and size. Social and emotional strength matter far more in the long term. It is also important he can freely admit when his body is ill and not working properly.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Failure Lights the Route to Success
Posted by: | CommentsAll boys experience failure – lots of it. A boy will almost certainly fail when he first tries to walk; he won’t master buttons on his first attempt, ride a bike or tie his shoelaces straight away, yet he is prepared to have another go. Why is it that these early failures don’t make growing boys give up, despite sometimes intense frustration, while later ones can stop them in their tracks and throw them into the depths of misery?
The uncomfortable truth is that adults are often responsible for the change. They start telling children off for failing, teasing them, and making them feel ashamed.
If you are a parent:
* Respond constructively: failure is like a puzzle to be solved, not a disaster to be denied; consider whether the target was too ambitious
* Respond genuinely: be honest about the outcome, and ensure it remains his problem, not yours
* Respond sensitively: however much he may deny it, failure is upsetting and can undermine confidence; accept, understand and let him voice his feelings; don’t be too strict with him; seek success elsewhere to balance a failure
* Show that you love him for who he is, not what he can do
If you are a teacher:
* Describe in detail what went wrong and how to do better
* Let him know you believe he can improve and demonstrate this with a sample piece of work
* Encourage him to self-evaluate as much and as accurately as possible
* Be available if he needs help
* Look for modest, not unreal, success stories: individual boys can explain how, and perhaps why, they turned themselves around
* Find out what might lie behind any unexpected fall-off in performance
* Don’t punish him for failing -he may start to lie or cheat
But failure is not something to be shunned. It provides factual and neutral information on what went wrong and what needs to go right. Failure is an inevitable and essential part of learning, and shows that learning is happening at the frontier of current knowledge. If the lessons to be learnt from failure are taken on board, they will light the path to success. This will not happen if adults deny, ignore or punish failures; making a boy feel he should hide and ignore the truth.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Don’t Make Approval Conditional on Good Behavior
Posted by: | CommentsOne of the things prospective employers are wary of when they interview people for jobs is any applicant who curries favor, seeks approval, avoids disagreement and seems not to have faith in his own judgment. Anyone showing these signs is rejected, for insecurity and uncertainty are unhelpful in the workplace.
Of course, we all have times when we feel insecure, but some people feel it more than others and some are hampered by self-doubt most of the time.
If you are a parent:
* Accept that he won’t be perfect and that mistakes are not only inevitable but also important for learning
* See the funny side of his errors
* Behavior talks: he’s not bad, just trying to say something; look behind any naughty behavior for possible reasons
* Disapprove of what he does, not who he is
* With an older boy, you can disagree with what he wants to do, yet still support his right to do it
If you are a teacher:
* Be aware that reward systems for work and behavior might lead unsuccessful boys to feel disapproved of
* Show approval towards all students: respect, show interest in and talk to each one, not just the accommodating and successful ones
* Involve all students in decision-making, to develop their independence and self-esteem, and to demonstrate that you trust and approve of their ability to make judgments
* Show that you value a wide range of skills
The tendency can start in childhood. Boys grow strong inside when they feel approved of, loved and accepted for who they are. If an adult’s approval is conditional, forthcoming only when a boy is being ‘good’, he will be forever looking over his shoulder, creating distance between his instincts and his actions. Always having to play to the parental gallery, he will soon lose sight of himself and never develop any sense of personal integrity.