Archive for teenagers
The basics of living with teenagers – periods in girls
Posted by: | CommentsThe two aspects we mostly concentrate on as being the signs of puberty – periods in girls and wet dreams in a boy – actually start some one or two years after the real event has got under way. It has been suggested that girls will not begin menstruating until their bodies have a certain proportion of fat to weight. When the time is right, the pituitary gland at the base of the brain starts sending chemical messages – called hormones – into the bloodstream, and internal organs grow as well as external ones. The uterus, or womb, doubles in size to become a pear shaped and sized organ, situated in the pelvic cavity. The best way to visualize its position is to clench your fist, and place it against your lower stomach below the navel. If you could move 4-6 inches (10-15cm) back into your body, you’d be holding your uterus. The ovaries which are suspended on either side of the uterus also begin to work. The ovaries are two plum-shaped and sized glands, situated in the girl’s pelvic cavity on either side of her uterus. Each ovary contains as many as 100,000 microscopic egg cells. Given the proper stimulus, each could grow into an egg or ovum. Each of these, given the optimum conditions, could be fertilized and grow into a baby. In practice, only 400 or so ova are released in any one woman’s lifetime.
On the signal from the pituitary every month, ten to 20 ova will start to mature. As well as bringing eggs up to readiness, the ovaries send out their own chemical messages to the uterus. In response, the endometrial or lining of the uterus starts to thicken and grow, ready for a fertilized egg. The body starts making preparations to increase the chances of sex taking place and conception occurring. The discharge or lubrication present in the vagina becomes more copious, to make sex easier and more pleasant. This liquid will have a musky odor that may not be noticeable on a conscious level but which may affect males in close contact with the woman. This lubrication is also thinner and more slippery in texture than usual, to encourage sperm to swim up through the cervix, the opening to the womb, and on to a rendezvous with an ovum.
When one of the ova is ready, it will burst out of its ovary and start the journey down the fallopian tubes towards the womb. This is called ovulation. Each ovary usually takes it in turns to release an egg, every other month, but this is by no means a rigid pattern. If sperm is encountered on the way, during a journey that can take up to a week, fertilization may occur. A fertilized egg will complete the journey to the womb and attempt to implant itself and establish a pregnancy. Needless to say, this happens only once or a few times in a lifetime and maybe not at all. If you yourself do not frustrate this purpose, the body itself occasionally does, and even in the healthiest women more fertilized eggs are spontaneously discarded than are allowed to develop. Most of the eggs continue down, unfertilized. About 14 days after ovulation, if a fertilized egg has not implanted properly in the endometrial, the lining will come away as blood, water and a very few clots of tissue. This flow of blood is a menstrual period.
In most girls, the first months or even years of periods are ‘an ovular’ – they occur without an egg maturing to the point of bursting out of an ovary. The signal that a first period is about to begin is often the appearance of a white or creamy discharge on the young girl’s pants. This can happen for a few months before a show of blood. Some girls get warning cramps or feel tired and aching – again, sometimes for a few ‘false alarms’ before the first periodi.The actual flow can be a bright red color, but it is just as likely to be brown or black. It can be thin and watery, or thick and full of clots. Periods can be irregular for as long as two years before they settle down to arriving in a fairly routine manner, usually every 26 to 30 days. In most cases, they last for four to five days, and the girl will lose around a half-cupful of blood each month, although it always seems more.
The basics of when you teenagers leaves home for good
Posted by: | CommentsAs the end of adolescence approaches, most young people will consider the prospect of leaving home. Some will long for the freedom a place of their own seems to offer, and some will shy away from the responsibilities and hard work they realize is entailed.
It could be argued that you can measure the success of parenting a child by the amount of care, guidance and protection that has been given, but the success of parenting a teenager by the degree with which you have gradually stepped back and let them go it alone. The way they take to looking after themselves, and their ability to cope, and how you face up to the fact of their leaving could be seen as your Graduation Test.
Your young person is likely to have to leave at some point – to go to college, to seek work or to form a family of their own. Even if none of this applies, most emerging adults do feel the need to establish their own base as a final step in the journey from childhood to adulthood. Whether they launch off sooner or later, with your consent or in the wake of arguments, with success of failure, is largely in your hands. It is your attitude to their leaving, and the efforts you have made to teach them how to look after themselves and a home that may dictate all this.
Some parents make such a comfortable home for their late teenagers that they find it extremely difficult to think of leaving. Such a parent is always on hand with a duster, clean clothing and a hot meal, and is ever-ready to slip junior a few pounds. Such a parent congratulates themselves on being so good at their job of providing a loving, comfortable home that their children never want to leave them. To be needed is seen as the greatest compliment.
The problem is that only dependent children need their parents in this way. While catering to a child when it is not capable of looking after it is admirable, refusing to develop a young person’s ability to look after itself, to artificially prolong such dependency, is not. When a young person coddled in this way does eventually venture forth, he or she can find living in the real world confusing and even painful, and may feel little gratitude for your silken cords. Young people of both sexes who have been over-protected are quite likely to find themselves in poor relationships and marriages. They will be seeking another Mother or Father to do everything for them as their parents have done, rather than looking for an equal mate with whom they can share their lives. They may also charge into an ill-advised marriage, seeing it as the only way they will be able to break free of you.
The basics of living with teenagers – skin and growing hair
Posted by: | CommentsAt the same time as their bodies gain height and weight, the young adolescent will find that the texture of their skin will change and become rougher. The fine, downy hair which covers our whole body and which can look like ‘peach fuzz’ in a small child, will darken and coarsen. It becomes noticeable under the arms, around the genital organs and down the inside of thighs. Legs and arms may also acquire a thatch. Both sexes can find hair on their cheeks and upper lip – often too little for boys’ tastes and too much for girls! Both sexes may find hair growing on their chests, and most girls find a fine ring of long hair developing around their nipples. The amount of body hair we develop is usually related to our racial group as well as individual differences. Those with Mediterranean, Asian or Jewish ancestry will have more obvious hair growth than those with Negroid or Caucasian genes.
The presence of body hair is probably one of the few developments that provoke a different response in the sexes. We tend to associate body hair with masculinity, rather than seeing it as an aspect of most mature human bodies, both male and female. While girls will accept the growth that covers their genitals and tolerate hair under the arms, any other extension can be feared. Hair on the back or buttocks, on the legs and thighs, between the breasts and around the nipples and a fine growth on the upper lip or sides of the face is often seen as abnormal. A girl with such a natural pattern of growth may be too embarrassed to undress in front of friends, family or medical personnel, and be terrified that something is wrong with her.
Our skin is the largest organ of our bodies – a 17 square feet or 1.5 square meters sense organ which also protects and insulates us. Once puberty has started, the skin becomes far more active. Teenagers will find they sweat far more than before, especially around the genital organs, under the arms and on their feet. Sweat also acquires a distinct odor. Adolescent and adult sweat contains chemical substances called pheromones. These use the sense of smell to excite our attention. We may not consciously realize it, but attraction to a particular person often starts or is made sharper through the nose rather than through the eyes. Pheromones can arouse sexual feelings, but we may respond with alarm rather than pleasure to these. Unused to this new development, young people may become aware of other people’s and of their own odor, and be repelled by it. Sweat is also an ideal growing medium for bacteria. Unless the young person gets used to having to wash more often and more thoroughly than as a small child, he or she will soon be fairly ‘ripe’.
The basics of living with teenagers – feelings of inadequacy with body symmetry
Posted by: | CommentsAnother area of confusion arises from the fact that human bodies are very rarely entirely symmetrical. Young people of both sexes are likely to find various bits growing out of proportion to others. Most of us have an arm or a leg longer than the other, and a hand or foot bigger than its twin. Boys will find one testicle hangs down lower than the other, and girls that one breast often outstrip its companion. It’s common (or a woman who has completed her development to find one breast is as much as a cup size larger than the other. In developing girls, this lop-sidedness is all the more likely.
Breasts are a particular source of pain and pride for young women. These secondary sexual characteristics are on show in our society, perhaps more than at any time in recorded history. When the daily newspapers with the widest circulation among young people show bared breasts every day, it’s hardly surprising that both boys and girls are very breast conscious. They acquire a standard by which they judge their own or other people’s breasts, without realizing it is a very inaccurate one. Breasts come in all shapes and sizes and textures. Some are small, firm and pear-shaped. Others are large, soft and apple-shaped. On some, the nipples point up, and on others they droop downwards. But, whatever their appearance, they are normal – a fact many of us do not recognize. In most in-up pictures, various tricks are used to idealize the body. Invisible tape supports the breast; ice cubes make the nipples stand out; and the blue veins or stretch marks that often show are concealed by make-up or neatly airbrushed out of the completed photograph.
Girls are frequently convinced that they are abnormal if their nipples do not stick out constantly, and do not realize that this part of the body is designed only to react to stimulus. The nipple is made up of erectile tissue. It fills with blood, swells and stands out if triggered to do so – by direct touch, by cold, by an emotional reaction such as fright or sexual excitement, or by exertion. At other times, the nipple can lie flat or even dimple inwards. Seeing they apparently different, and therefore inferior, to the model in the pictures, many girls are terrified they will be rejected by a boyfriend in the future. Worse, they fear that they will be unable to be a good mother to a baby and can become quite obsessed by their ‘inadequacy’.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Fight the Might of Muscles
Posted by: | CommentsThe classic male body may be the dream of many, but not every boy is going to grow up naturally endowed with broad shoulders and rippling muscles. Many families, and some racial groups, simply don’t transmit the right genes to bring this about. Boys may not worry about the pout of their lips, the spread of their buttocks or the size of their eyes, but they experience as much anxiety about body shape and the condition of their skin as pubescent girls.
If you are a parent:
* Teach him to care for and honor his body, whatever its shape, by supporting him when he’s ill and helping him stay clean, fit and healthy
* Be careful what you say about men’s physique, so you don’t applaud media stereotypes
* If he wants to do weight-training, and it’s safe, support him, don’t tease; but make sure he knows that he’s lovable as he is and that girls go for personality and humor more than looks
* Don’t teach him to hit back at or exploit physical size with other boys
If you are a teacher:
* Avoid comments such as: ‘You’re big and strong; you can help me with these books’
* Make boys aware of the power of advertising in establishing preferred body images
* Talk about what makes a ‘real man’
* Break down stereotypes through discussion, classroom displays and teaching materials
* Initiate work on bullying and operate zero tolerance of physical fights on or near school grounds
Muscles take on a special value wherever physical strength is prized above other attributes and where might is viewed as right. If everyone in your family respects social, rather than physical, qualities in human beings, and rejects the use of muscle power to end disputes, your son’s self-esteem will flourish, whatever his shape and size. Social and emotional strength matter far more in the long term. It is also important he can freely admit when his body is ill and not working properly.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Develop Responsibility and Safe Risk-Taking
Posted by: | CommentsResearch shows that, from birth onwards, boys are more inclined towards risk-taking than girls, less reflective about any implications and therefore less thoughtful and cautious. Safer risk-taking can be encouraged by letting our sons know we care, by improving their thinking and reflective skills and, crucially, by ensuring that their responsibilities grow in line with their rights. Responsibility is important. Through it, we find out what we can do, we feel trusted, trustworthy and respected, and we gain in competence, which in itself contributes to safer risk-taking.
If you are a parent:
* When your son asks for more independence, try to give it to him; if the particular freedom he seeks causes problems, discuss an alternative change that will satisfy him – he’ll then have less need to struggle and prove himself
* Be aware of his co-ordination skills and physical strength, and keep his risk-taking in line with his physical abilities
* Rights matched by responsibilities can encourage safer behavior, but all boys, especially adolescents, will take risks at some point; talk to your son about safe risk-taking and trust, and set clear limits to his freedoms
If you are a teacher:
* Learning involves taking responsibility and risks; when kept in balance, these offer useful lessons for life
* Challenging boys, or those with low self-esteem, may respond well to being given special tasks and responsibilities
* Boys who undertake death-defying acts may be mirroring the irresponsibility they perceive in close adults; be attuned to the reasons behind high-risk behavior
* Address the pros and cons of risk-taking in PSE lessons and assemblies; explore the need for thrill and excitement and the role it plays
A boy should grow up with appropriate and increasing experience of responsibility, beginning with things like tidying up after himself, getting his school things ready and rinsing out his football and swimming outfits and equipment. Later, he can take reasonable and progressive responsibility for others, which also encourages task commitment. Nevertheless, the ability to take risks is important. Be tolerant of the mistakes your son will inevitably make while he’s learning to take responsibility.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Deal Positively With Peer Pressure
Posted by: | CommentsPeer pressure, along with bullying and drugs, is a subject that frightens many parents, and it seems that parents of boys are particularly worried about these issues. Quite apart from not wanting the expense of providing the ‘in’ trainers, designer leisurewear, and the very latest in computerized home entertainment, we like to believe that our sons will be sufficiently independent to withstand the pull of the peer group, especially when they become involved in illegal activities.
If you are a parent:
* Don’t drive your son into the arms of antisocial friends by being negative/constantly critical; the best way to help him resist them is to nurture his self-esteem and give him inner strength
* If he wants expensive clothes/games, facilitate his contribution towards their cost through saving regular pocket money or (if old enough) his part-time earnings
* Ask him to question whether people who won’t allow him to be different are truly friends
* Remember, boys who are open to peer pressure are impressionable; help him feel that he is acceptable as he is
If you are a teacher:
* Be aware of the power of peer groups to divert some boys from their studies; a befrienders’ scheme can offer vulnerable boys a listening ear
* Discuss the issue of peer pressure frequently in assembly, English or PSE lessons
* Many boys who are seduced away from learning are vulnerable because they are already failing; identify those who might be led astray as early as possible and offer them mentoring to keep them on track
Children generally love to conform and hate to be different. Their earliest flirtation with independence from parents and self-expression is frequently via the safe route of fashion, and the younger they are when they choose their own clothes, music and so on, the more likely this is to be. Not all peer groups are insidious.
The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Cherish and Trust Yourself
Posted by: | CommentsWhile you are looking after the boys in your care, you must also look after yourself. We don’t need to be told that the better we feel about ourselves, the better we cope with challenge and difficulty and the nicer we are towards those we live and work with. We all know this. We know, too, that when we have had a bad day or are very tired, we tend to take our frustrations out on our nearest and dearest. Looking after ourselves is an investment which benefits others, for, when we behave well, we feel positive towards other people and pass on our feelings to them.
If you are a parent:
* Talk to others; it usually helps
* Identify your little luxury, the thing that calms you down and restores your faith in yourself; it may be reading a trashy book, going to the pictures or having a drink with friends
* Make sure your choice of ‘pick-me-up’ is realistic; when grandiose schemes fail, it can have the opposite effect
* Try to arrange for it to happen on a regular basis; while some things can be slotted into small time slots, others need more time and require planning
* ‘I’ve always wanted to…’ so do it
If you are a teacher:
* Trust and believe in yourself; if you doubt your skills, you may interpret difficult behavior as a personal attack, and react defensively, provocatively and unconstructively
* List what you see as your professional strengths, then identify where there’s room for improvement; discuss with colleagues how to share collective skills, to aid professional development
* Challenging boys make heavy demands; rather than pretend total competence and suffer, set up a group with supportive colleagues to pool understanding and ideas
* After a bad patch, pamper, don’t punish, yourself
It can be hard to trust your competence during every stage that children pass through and with every issue that presents itself. Most parents and carers enjoy certain developmental stages more than others. While teachers can choose whether to teach little ones or older children, parents have no choice: they have to cope throughout. Your uncertainty will be real, but children value firmness. Discuss any problems with partners and friends, carefully review your initial reactions, and if you still feel the same, trust yourself and remain consistent.