The Basics of Divorce
ByDivorce is by its very nature an unpleasant experience. Nothing anyone can say or do will change that fact. However, there is one thing that you can do to make it less problematic and less costly: try to resolve the situation through mediation.
A mediator is a trained professional—sometimes, but not always, an attorney—who is hired by both parties in an effort to reach an agreement that is mutually acceptable. The mediator isn’t an advocate for either side. Her interest is in getting the two of you to reach an agreement. If you and your soon to be ex-spouse both hire attorneys, the situation is dramatically different. An attorney is an advocate for one side. He is interested in getting the most he can for his client. In effect, an attorney is looking to win, and as a result, force the other side to lose, while a mediator is looking for both sides to win. Because there’s only one professional involved in mediation, the costs are lower and the process is speedier.
I’m going to get robbed.
If you are in a traditional divorce proceeding in which both sides have lawyers, this is a rational fear. In those kinds of adversarial situations one party almost always ends up feeling like they’ve lost. Interestingly, the other party doesn’t feel like a winner, they just feel satisfied, like they’ve gotten justice. If you’re working with a mediator this is an irrational fear. The mediator’s job is to make sure that neither party feels like they’ve been robbed.
Ironically, trust is the most important factor in dissolving a marriage amicably. But due to the emotional nature of the situation neither party can hope to recreate trust in the other. The solution is to turn to a third party, the mediator, in whom both parties can place their trust.
What if I don’t get custody?
This is a situation where the outcome is almost preordained. In most states, mothers who want to retain physical custody of children almost always will. The courts will bend over backward to keep children with their mother. For a father to get sole physical custody he will almost certainly need to demonstrate that the mother is clearly an unfit parent.
Legal custody is a separate issue. It’s quite common for a father who has no physical custody to retain joint legal custody, so he retains a voice in major decisions in the child’s life.
The parent who doesn’t have physical custody is given visitation rights instead. A parent with visitation rights can often prevent a spouse with physical custody from moving to an area that would make visits more difficult. In fact, some courts forbid the parent with custody from leaving the general geographic area.
If it comes down to a court battle, your attorney will help you do everything you can to demonstrate to the judge that you should be entrusted with the custody of your child. Unfortunately, your attorney will also need to do everything he can to demonstrate to the judge that your ex-spouse cannot be trusted. It won’t be pretty.
Turn no into yes—Your attorney will be able to explain the best avenues for appeal if the decision goes against you.
I’m afraid I can’t afford that much child support (or) I’m worried that won’t be enough child support.
Once you learn about the divorce process you’ll realize that while these are understandable fears, there’s a system in place to make them irrelevant. Child support is a legal obligation, whether taken on voluntarily or imposed. The amount is generally a percentage of income, set either by statute, a judge’s decision, or a binding agreement. If someone stops paying child support they are breaking the law, just as if they suddenly stopped paying their taxes.
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