A perimenopausal woman who has teenagers in the house undergoing their own adolescent hormonal changes can feel like, on any given day, the family mood swings are all over the map. “There are times when I could honestly believe our family belongs in a tabloid because we’ve all been abducted by aliens and some other creatures are inhabiting our bodies,” said Tina. “My two sweet sons have become so selfish and sullen. And I come home from work on many days feeling like I want to start crying or yelling or both.”

The collision of teenage changes and the perimenopausal transition is enough to make us think the gods are playing a joke on us, and not a very funny one at that. I asked Tina what would happen if she and her teenage sons sat down so she could explain some of what she is going through. She grew thoughtful for a moment and said, “Yes, I could do that.” I told her that this conversation could be an opportunity for her to make a very valuable connection with her sons, by trusting them enough to let them know what might be happening with her hormones and how they could seem to play tricks on her body and emotions. She might even want to compare her own situation with the hormonal fluctuations her sons were going through.

Children can readily understand the concept of something in your body being out of balance, but it’s important to impress upon children that you aren’t ill. “You can tell your boys that the imbalance is something that can be restored, and describe what you’re doing to help that by eating differently and taking black cohosh. You can also explain that when your hormones, which are chemicals, are changing, there can be physical and emotional effects, like fatigue and irritability.”

I also suggested that Tina give her sons a role in helping her if possible. “You could ask one or both of them to take a walk with you, explaining that exercise helps keep your body in balance. If they’re at that stage where being seen in public with Mom embarrasses them, tell them you want an hour of peace and quiet every evening. Let them pick the hour, but make sure they understand that they aren’t to be fighting, playing the stereo or television, or interrupting you. Let them know that the time for you to unwind is very important for your health.”

Tina wasn’t so sure how it would be to talk with her sons about these issues. Like many mothers who focus their energy and time more on what the family needs than on their own needs, she wasn’t used to the idea of asking her children for anything. “But they’re thirteen and fifteen now,” I pointed out. “That’s a perfect time to give them more responsibility for the health of the family.”

“I was really proud of them,” Tina told me, when I asked her a few weeks later how the conversation with her sons had gone. “They seemed embarrassed at first when I started to explain that my hormones are changing. Maybe they thought I was going to say something really personal. But they both have deep voices now, so I just said they had each experienced something similar when hormones had changed their voices. My youngest son asked me if I was sick, you were right to remind me to be sure they understand that I’m not,” she said.
“They actually listened when I told them I was trying to eat differently and exercise to make my body feel more in balance, and that I was taking an herb. My youngest son was quite interested. He’s in an advanced science class and wanted to know if we could grow our own crop of black cohosh.”

The quiet hour in the evenings was also good for the whole family, Tina reported. “I can’t tell you how many times I would come home from work and yell about the noise, or the clothes on the floor, or a noisy argument they were having. But when I told them that it was important for my health that evenings not be chaos, it seemed like it made a different impression on them, not just Mom nagging again.

“Oh, I won’t say they suddenly started being quiet in the evening for an hour,” Tina continued. “They had trouble deciding at first what hour it would be and had to fight about that for a while, but I just let them work it out. Then my fifteen-year-old was calling it ‘lockdown,’ like in a prison rebellion, but I didn’t react. I just told them that I really appreciated that they were willing to make some changes that would be helpful to me.”

Then her sons started to use the quiet hour to get most of their homework done, which pleased Tina. “I don’t have to ask seven times if their homework is done. And I don’t have to compete with the television because we’ve agreed that it’s off during this hour. Sometimes the hour is up and they still are reading or studying, and no one turns on the TV for the rest of the evening,” she said.

The effects of Tina’s explanation and request to her sons actually reverberated throughout the family, which surprised her. “Now I can come home knowing that at some point during the evening I get to relax. It’s made a big difference in the way I feel.”

“It’s amazing what a discussion about balance and wholeness can do for the whole family,” I said.

Related posts:

1. The Basics of Mood Swings During Perimenopause – Anxiety

2. The Basics of Mood Swings During Perimenopause – Depression

3. The Basics of Perimenopause – Progesterone and Mood

4. The Basics of Perimenopause – The Health Changes When The Mood Is Right

5. The basics of not faulting yourself on memory lapses during perimenopause

6. The Basics of Perimenopause – The Hormonal Landscape

7. The Basics of Diet During Perimenopause – The Plant Advantage

8. The Basics of Sensuality and Intimacy During Our Forties and Perimenopause

9. The Basics of Signs of Perimenopause – Guilty of Depression

10. The Basics of Meditative Movements for Those Suffering Through Perimenopause