Each of us needs an internalized Parent who supports us in being and doing. Learning how to balance being and doing requires skill. Like a gymnast who knows the value of balance, a person in the process of self-parenting needs a new Parent who will encourage both.

Unless both being and doing are encouraged and developed, happiness is always an elusive butterfly, just out of reach.

Sometimes, in childhood, being is stressed by adoring, overly nurturing parents. As a result, their children often feel entitled to everything they desire and are not motivated to establish goals that call for personal initiative or effort. They want what they want when they want it. They may become so self-centered that they need a new Parent who will use tough love.

People who have been overindulged typically act on impulse and may be inconsistent or unreliable. They often undermine their own success by doing such things as speaking without thinking, acting without planning, or spending money without budgeting. They want to do what they want without regard for other people, want love without acting lovable, want happiness without commitment, want freedom without responsibility. These people need firm a new Parent who will help them regulate their behavior.

The opposite type of person needs a tender new Parent. This is often true of those who have had brutal, overly strict, or highly critical parents who demanded perfect performance. These people need affirmation for being alive and being who they are, not just recognition for doing chores or school tasks.

Many people imagine they need tender, encouraging love when they may actually need tough love. You need tender, encouraging love if you were not affirmed for being you and if you frequently experience a sense of despair or depression. You need firm, perhaps tough, love if your capacities for achievement, for independent thinking, and for action were not encouraged, if you act passive instead of assertive, or if you procrastinate often. When people identify whether they need tender or tough love, they take charge of their lives and take responsibility for their own happiness.

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