Jimmy was ten, and doing well in school, to the delight of his parents. Then he overheard his mum chatting to a friend whose son was struggling. Jimmy’s mum didn’t want to upset her friend further by parading his success, so she replied, when asked, ‘Oh, our Jimmy’s no good at anything!’ These few words had a devastating effect, destroying his confidence. He never trusted himself again and dropped out of college ten years later. Only then did Jimmy and his mum learn the truth from each other, but it was too late.

If you are a parent:

• Select one behavior at a time and ignore the rest; piling on the criticism will make him resentful and uncooperative
• Accentuate the positive – say what you want done, and choose a day when you comment only on the good things
• Try to stop watching and judging, because this implies you are also controlling and mistrustful
• Banish humiliating phrases such as: ‘I can’t take you anywhere,’ ‘I wish you’d never been born’ and ‘You make me sick’

If you are a parent:

• Teachers’ words can hurt as much as anybody’s
• Like criticism, teasing, sarcasm, ridicule, shouting and blame are put-downs which hurt, shame, degrade, damage and humiliate; they sap motivation and morale and are never justified
• It takes four ‘praises’ to undo the harm of one destructive criticism
• Turn your don’ts into do’s
• Doubts are more cruel than the worst of truths – keep a boy’s self-doubt at bay

Adults are usually totally unaware of the destructive impact of their careless words, which can do untold damage. Even an occasional statement can destroy a future by allowing self-doubt to take root, and boys are as sensitive to criticism as girls. Constant carping and criticism lead to self-doubt and guilt about letting parents down. If a boy fails to please, he’ll assume he disappoints; and eventually he’ll feel totally useless and rejected, though he will probably hide it well.

Related posts:

1. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Support the School

2. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: the More You Use It, the More You Lose It

3. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Fortify His Heart, Don’t Thicken His Skin

4. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Respect His Feelings

5. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Nurture His Self-Respect

6. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Minimize Conflicts At Home

7. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Identify the Danger Signs and Times

8. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Enter His World Carefully

9. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Model Respect For Women

10. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Be His Last Point of Refuge