Although parents and teachers are naturally pleased when their sons and students do well, it is very dangerous when adults begin to rely on a child’s success for their own sense of self-worth. It can damage a boy’s self-esteem in a number of subtle ways.

If you are a parent:

* If you want to tell other people about your son’s achievements, ask his permission; then think about who you want to tell, and why
* Avoid setting your son a new target as soon as he has reached one; might you benefit in some way from the pressure you’re putting on him?
* Ask yourself whether you have higher expectations for your sons than for your daughters; do you identify more closely with your son for some reason?
* Remind yourself it’s his success, from his effort, and that it’s his to hold on to

If you are a teacher:

* Good teachers deliver more than results; to stop yourself becoming too hooked on results at times when you’re at the risk of doing so, list some other things you are keen for your students to develop and achieve
* If you think you may become success-dependent, list all the other things you are good at which give you pleasure
* If one group’s results are not good, and you find yourself becoming depressed as a result, put yourself back in control; list the things you could do differently next time that might change the outcome

If parents feel good about themselves only when their child succeeds, they are, in effect, stealing success from him; this will leave him feeling used, confused and empty instead of fulfilled. Only further, and repeated, success will restore his sense of achievement, which often leads to the burden of perfectionism. He will also come to believe that he is valued solely for what he can do, not for who he is.

Related posts:

1. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Let Him be Responsible for His Success and Failure

2. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Respect His Teachers

3. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Support the School

4. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Failure Lights the Route to Success

5. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Lead Him When He’s Ready

6. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Understand His Particularities

7. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Help Him See the Lessons to be Learnt

8. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Inspect Your Expectations

9. The Basics of Encouraging Self-Management: How to Parent Your Boys

10. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Cherish and Trust Yourself