Many people believe that the best way to arm their son against verbal attack and disappointment is to thicken his skin, to get him to ‘toughen up’. They achieve this in three ways. Some make a habit of speaking harshly to their son, just to get him used to being hurt, to create an immunity to it. Others constantly tell their son, because his emotions make him vulnerable to pain, he should deny or distance himself from them. Most commonly, people advise boys to hit back.

Parents

* Build his inner strength: trust him; see him as competent; let him have some autonomy over his life; respect his view of the World and tell him you love him
* If he’s in trouble, help him; don’t put him down or say: ‘Why did you get yourself into this mess?’
* Encourage him to follow and trust his instincts; ‘encourage’ means to give courage, to ‘enhearten’
* Give him assertive things to say to people who hurt others, like: ‘I don’t know why you need to say/do these things that hurt others’ or ‘I don’t have to listen to you’ and advise him to turn away; discuss possible strategies

* Constantly monitor the different ways in which you talk to boys and girls
* Ensure that you don’t speak more harshly to boys than to girls, believing that they are tougher and can ‘take it’
* Don’t fall victim to expressing stereotypical views about girls or boys

A far better way to protect him is to strengthen him on the inside -his emotions and belief in himself. The other route not only does great damage to a boy’s self-esteem and self-understanding in the process, it also cuts him off from his essential self. Suits of emotional armor stop feelings coming out as well as going in, and therefore offer no long-term help with managing relationships.

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3. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: What You Expect is What You Get

4. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Read and Learn Together

5. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Offer Him Safety, Security and Predictability

6. The Basics of Encouraging Self-Management: How to Parent Your Boys

7. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Work to and From His Strengths

8. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Promote Self-Direction

9. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Find Good Support Groups

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