Success and failure tend to be overlaid with moral significance: it is considered good to succeed and shameful to fail. Parents can become infected by this way of thinking so that, if their son succeeds, it is their success and, if he fails, it is their failure. This can be damaging as well as confusing.

If you are a parent:

* Have realistic expectations and accept him unconditionally
* See success as neutral feedback; it shows what he’s doing right; glory shouldn’t come into it
* Help him feel comfortable with his feelings of delight or disappointment, frustration or sadness
* If his failures become your personal shame, you hinder his chance to learn lessons
* A failure is a sign that he’s at the frontiers of his knowledge; discuss why it happened and what he can do differently next time
* Your son’s success is his; don’t steal his thunder by taking credit for his success

If you are a teacher:

* Always congratulate a student on his success, and give him credit for it
* Describe in detail what he did right and the things that led to his success, so that he knows how to repeat it next time
* Offer some unpressured time at his new level, with time to adjust to and accept his success; then allow him to move forward
* Take the shame out of failure; it merely tells him what he needs to do differently; personal insults will encourage him to hide behind excuses

When parents ‘own’ their son’s success, it is effectively stolen from him and it may lead him to fail in the future. They may do it to make themselves feel good, and run to tell others the good news, or they may take credit for his success, implying that he couldn’t have done it without them. Either way, if success is always taken away, a boy may eventually turn on his tormentors and refuse to play, or burn out through his own perfectionism.

Taking responsibility for his failure is equally unhelpful. A parent’s shame may lead to punishment or to trivialization. Because the son does not take responsibility for his errors, he will be unable to progress.

Related posts:

1. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Failure Lights the Route to Success

2. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Don’t Invest Your Self-Worth in His Success

3. Helping Your Child Learn Responsible Behavior

4. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Support the School

5. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Let Him Say No

6. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Respect His Feelings

7. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Develop Responsibility and Safe Risk-Taking

8. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Respect His Teachers

9. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Help Him See the Lessons to be Learnt

10. The Basics of Avoid Shame and Guilt When Parenting Your Boys