Human beings have a profound need to feel they belong somewhere and to someone. Your son’s first need will be to feel loved by the two people who made him, but as he grows up, the more friends, groups and institutions he feels a bond with and can identify with, the deeper will be his sense of self. Fitting in somewhere says something about who he is and reassures him that there are others like him. Belonging to a family, a social or ethnic group, a club or school, or a place of worship, also means that he is wanted, accepted and acceptable. It provides him with guidelines about who he is and how he should behave.

If you are a parent:

* Tell him family stories, so that he knows his and your roots
* Include him in as many family events as possible
* Understand how fashion and uniforms can be symbols of belonging, and help him to ‘fit in’ – provided it fits in with your family budget
* Let him attend big school events such as fetes and concerts so that he feels he belongs there
* Be on the look-out for signs of ‘aloneness’; suggest that he join a sports or social club or youth group if he spends a lot of time alone

If you are a teacher:

* Circle time and similar arrangements can reinforce group identity and make each child feel an equal member of the class
* Stable groups allow a clear identity to form; staff and student changes and regroupings should be minimized for boys who may be especially vulnerable
* Where there is a high turnover of students throughout the year (known as ‘turbulence’), constant efforts will be required to re-establish the coherence of the class group

If a boy grows up without any sense of belonging to his family or school, if he feels rejected – for example, because of heavy criticism -he is likely to seek acceptance and a sense of membership elsewhere. He will seek groups of boys who have opted out of trying to please, and gain pleasure and status in unacceptable ways.

Related posts:

1. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Find Good Support Groups

2. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Support the School

3. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Tell Him His Story

4. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Minimize Conflicts At Home

5. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Give Him Safe Time to Talk

6. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Be His Last Point of Refuge

7. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Inspect Your Expectations

8. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Keep Him Informed of Developments

9. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Boys Do Best When an Involved Man Cares

10. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Respect His Right to Know