The basics of learning to trust yourself on your way to happiness
ByTo trust people is to be able to depend on their integrity or ability. Learning to do this is the first crisis of early childhood, which, if resolved, leads to a sense of hope. Later in life, it becomes clear that some people are worthy of trust because they act with integrity and some are not. Knowing whom to trust and when to trust them is liberating and assists in the pursuit of happiness.
Some people are basically trusting. They tend to trust everybody, including themselves. Others are suspicious or even despairing and trust nobody, including themselves. Others, usually with low self-esteem and a sense of inadequacy do not trust themselves, although they may expect others to be trustworthy. People who only trust themselves believe other people are not dependable or capable enough.
These attitudes about trust may exist in varying degrees or at varying levels of intensity. For example, persons who are basically trusting may actually exaggerate their own and other people’s commitments and capacities. They may see the entire world through rose-colored glasses and ignore problems that really exist. A different pattern is noticeable in persons who are always helping others. They may trust only themselves, refusing to believe that other people are competent and can usually direct their own lives.
People are fortunate if they have had other people in their lives whom they could depend upon and trust. Now, however, the focus is on being a trusting, responsible, motivating, and committed parent to yourself.
Contracting for success and knowing that success is possible requires an awareness of your own attitudes about trusting—an awareness of promises that have been kept and promises that have been broken – especially the promises made to yourself.
Problems of Inconsistency
Learning whether it is wise or not to trust parents is the first developmental crisis of childhood. If infants learn their parents can be trusted, they become able to hope. An attitude of hopefulness becomes part of their personalities and may last for a lifetime because of their early experiences.
Despair is the opposite of hope and inconsistency can lead to despair. A frequently heard lament is “I can’t trust anybody; I can’t even trust myself.” Just how does this despair start?
If you had parent figures in childhood who were often inconsistent and did not do what they said they would do, you probably decided that you couldn’t trust them. If that style of parenting became part of your Parent ego state, then you may be inconsistent in similar ways.
Another reason for lack of trust is if one of your parent figures was a promise breaker and another parent figure was just the opposite. In such cases, your commitment to yourself and others may fluctuate between indifference and perfection because of your role models.
Your new inner Parent needs to be consistently supportive of your potential for growth. It needs to encourage you as if you were part of a winning sports team. It needs to remind you that you are grown up and can keep promises or can stop making promises that you are uncertain about keeping.
Like lamps plugged into electrical outlets, old messages can be unplugged. You don’t need to listen to outdated messages. Your analytical, data-processing Adult part of your personality can help evaluate these messages. If you are functioning as a new Parent, or coach or mentor, to your inner Child, old messages do not need to direct your life unless you turn them on. The choice is yours.
If you choose to be more trustworthy and keep the healthy commitments you make to yourself, your inner Child will experience more peace. You will even sleep better at night and this can be a major step forward on the broad road to happiness.
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