The basics of listening to yourself with love – how needs and wants are adapted
ByChildren adapt their needs and wants to parents, parent figures, and their environment in many ways. They may obey like “good” little boys or girls, argue and fight back, or use delaying techniques if asked to help.
These adaptations fall into three basic categories: compliance, rebellion, and procrastination. Being compliant is usually based on the belief that obedience will bring love, or will at least decrease the chance of being punished. Being rebellious often happens because a child does not consider the parents’ demands loving or rational. Procrastination is a wavering between the two: “Perhaps my parents will love me (or forgive me) if I eventually do what they want.”
Although everyone uses all these responses from time to time, a continuing pattern of procrastination and rebellion can become a major problem, both in childhood and in later life. Some parents punish children for this behavior. Others deal with it from a caring perspective, setting reasonable limits and reasonable consequences. Still other parents ignore rebelliousness and thus may encourage it—intentionally or not—and a child can become a tyrant. Tyrants are hard to love. They want total liberty for themselves and total obedience from others.
Many parents believe that one of their primary tasks is training their children to comply. The training may be indiscriminate and thus destroy a child’s sense of self-esteem. It may also be reasonable and increase a child’s sense of self-esteem. It may fluctuate at different times, for different reasons, around different subjects.
Parents teaching compliance usually justify their actions; they are “only doing their duty.” But all too often they interpret their duty as the need to develop obedient children—in other words, “good” children, who will not talk back, will not think independently, and who will not rebel against parental dictates.
Children who are taught compliance obey without thinking and have little capacity to make independent decisions in later life. As adults, these people are easily swayed by others, are reluctant to take risks, and seldom question the system. They follow orders, even when the results may be bad for someone else or themselves.
Rebellion against authority often shows itself in early childhood if children feel unappreciated or unloved. First comes a sense of being treated unfairly. Next comes the decision “I won’t do what they want” or “I’ll get even for what they did to me.” The needs and wants of children are often just the opposite of those of their parents.
“I want you to pick up your toys,” the parent might say. “I won’t!” a child may respond. “Don’t you dare talk to me like that!” may come next. The child’s rebellion may then escalate outwardly into a temper tantrum or be sublimated and built up internally as defiance.
Defiance is an attitude sometimes expressed in bold or insolent ways, sometimes in soft and procrastinating ways. Regardless of the mask it wears, defiance is an attempt to be free from authoritarian demands.
Parent figures, whether they are biological relatives, teachers in classrooms, private mentors, or organizational coaches, respond differently to defiance. Some call it “stubbornness” and try to manipulate the stubborn child into obedience. Others may call it “guts,” complimenting the child who takes that “try and make me” stance. Still other parents feel powerless and throw up their hands in dismay. In so doing, they lose their ability to be adequate models and to influence their children effectively. They may love their children, but they don’t know how to show it.
Rebellious children usually continue acting defiant in later life, even without cause. They are difficult to be with, since, when they don’t get their way, they throw adult versions of their childhood temper tantrums. They are difficult to reach emotionally; their defiance acts as a barrier to love and intimacy.
Procrastination is what some children use against authorities when they want to rebel and don’t want to comply. In procrastinating, they are trying to come to some kind of workable compromise that satisfies the inner war. Procrastination is a compromise, and “Just a minute” or “I’ll do it later” is usually a safer way to ignore authorities and protect a sense of independence than directly saying “No.” Parents’ demanding or authoritative behavior toward their children often fosters procrastination.
Procrastination is usually a slightly hidden form of rebellion. Children with demanding parents who frequently order “Do this” or “Do that” may adapt by developing delaying techniques. Repressive parents who often say “Don’t talk back” or “Don’t ask so many questions” or “Shut up” may force their children to be quiet, go slow, and not ask for much. Such children need new messages of encouragement so that they can learn to act positively and with alacrity.
Sometimes procrastination can be a sign of a child who has not yet learned how to make decisions and is afraid of making a wrong one. Occasionally, procrastination is used to manipulate others into taking on responsibility for the procrastinator or the procrastinator’s assigned tasks. It is not unusual for the procrastinator to withdraw from loving relationships with others.
We are all familiar with the procrastinating adult! Who of us has not put off some unpleasant task? But serious procrastinators can be deeply troubled, and all procrastination usually has a hidden agenda. Immobilized by fear or acting out of repressed rebellion, the procrastinator appears to be trying, but is actually sabotaging his or her own life.
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