Another ‘attention-getting device’ is open sexual activity, or even pregnancy. This can certainly provoke a family crisis of its own, but more often than not it appears to come on top of the problems with which you are already struggling. You may well be tempted to wash your hands of a teenager who is so selfish as to give you one more burden, not understanding that it could well be their difficulty in coming to terms with family problems that has prompted their action in the first place.

Young people often initiate or allow a sexual relationship when they feel invisible at home – unloved, uncared for, or just set aside by parents who are too bound up in their own difficulties or interests to spare time for them. One way of grabbing your attention in no uncertain terms is to leave evidence of a sexual relationship – a packet of contraceptive pills, a packet of condoms or a diary with explicit entries – lying around where you are sure to find it. They may even deliberately risk pregnancy, seeing it as a way of holding a partner and perhaps starting with them their own, idyllic, family that they imagine will shelter them. Or, they see a baby as a possible source of unfettered love, and also of status. Pregnancy is also a way of making parents unmistakably aware of the fact that they are no longer small children – becoming, or getting a girl, pregnant is an acknowledged ‘adult’ action.

Alternatively, young people can express their anger and confusion in behavior that up to then has been foreign to them, such as stealing, joy-riding, drug taking, vandalism or fighting. They may break up with old friends who are unable to understand or help cope with what is going on, and seek out other young people in a similarly ‘deprived’ situation. When faced with an outsider concerned with this behavior, such as a teacher, social worker or member of the police force, it can be tempting for parents to deny that their youngster could have been involved. Such a response rarely shows unconditional love and trust in the teenager, but a wish to defend your own position and evade the real issue. It’s not a question of taking an outsider’s word against that of your child, or of letting them down; if they are behaving in an anti-social and uncharacteristic way, they need your help both to face up to this fact and to sort out what is going on.

The main difficulty that parents encounter is that the crisis itself takes most of your attention and energy, leaving very little time for you to spend puzzling out your teenager’s complicated responses and how to deal with them. If you are trying to come to terms with a death or the break up of your marriage, it can be virtually impossible to see past your own feelings and to put yourself in your teenager’s shoes. Even worse, there can be situations that spell disaster for them that, in fact, are highly exciting for you – a move to a new house or job, or a new member of the family. In such a case, you may not have even realized that you were in the middle of a family crisis!

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2. The basics of living with teenager – boys hitting sexual maturity

3. Parenting Teens – The Intellectual Growth Spurt

4. The Basics of Sexual Life of the Mind During Perimenopause

5. Teenagers Running Away – Parenting Teens

6. Sexual Dysfunction – Am I Okay?

7. Parenting Tips – You and Your Young Adult

8. Parenting Guide – Crime and Anti-Social Behavior

9. Normal Sexual Behavior after Menopause

10. Normal Sexual Behavior after Menopause