Women who have struggled without success to conceive a baby often face critical and heart-rending decisions in their forties. The pain of infertility is frequently compounded by a lack of understanding on the part of others. The uninformed mistakenly assume that infertility is a plight of the spoiled and affluent, failing to recognize that it indiscriminately affects people of all ages, ethnicities, and economic statuses. Remarks from friends, family members, or co-workers are at best thoughtless and at worst cruel: “Aren’t you pregnant yet? Well, you can always have fun trying.” This remark was said by a co-worker with three children who had no inkling of how passionless and stressful making love becomes when it is part of a monthly cycle of hope and disappointment. Or: “There are enough children in the world anyway,” a remark perhaps meant to comfort but that in truth only adds to the sting.

Then there is the jocular “I wish I had that problem. My three are driving me crazy, do you want them?” Or “Why don’t you just adopt?” as if that decision were made easily and lightly.

The anguish of some women in their forties about infertility is made more acute because they are filled with doubt and grief about decisions they made earlier in their lives. Some women who had the option of having children in their twenties or thirties but elected not to now agonize over whether they did the right thing. They feel tortured, not knowing if they would have had the same trouble conceiving when they were younger or if they might have become pregnant more easily.

Women who got pregnant before but ended their pregnancy or gave up the child for adoption wonder whether their inability to conceive now is some form of retribution for that decision. Perhaps they had a child outside marriage, as a teenager. The stigma of shame and secrecy they experienced while young, unmarried, and pregnant haunts some of them continually; others, who buried their feelings about the pregnancy, birth, and adoption for years, now may find themselves face to face with these feelings. While certain religious faiths have programs especially to help women reconcile their feelings about having terminated a pregnancy in the past, less organized support exists for birth mothers whose children were adopted.

Some women who gave up a child for adoption seek contact with their child through adoption records. Others write letters or keep a journal, describing their feelings to the child they gave birth to but do not know, pouring out the rush of emotions, and setting out their hopes that the child’s life is happy and secure. Women whose teenage pregnancy was a taboo family subject for decades sometimes confront that silence in their forties, bringing their stories out into the open and talking with parents and siblings about ways they may have been made to feel victimized and alone.

I have helped some of these women respond to unthinking comments about infertility by saying, “Infertility is a very serious and sensitive subject to me. I find your remarks difficult to listen to and upsetting.” There is no simple way to assuage grief about childlessness, previous adoptions, or abortions, but making our way toward feeling mended can begin with a conscious acknowledgment of hurt and a clear goal of exchanging residual self-blame for forgiveness, and sorrow for peace.

Related posts:

1. The Basics of Perimenopause – Infertility Causes and Effects

2. The Basics of Preventing Pregnancy in the Forties

3. The Basics of Sensuality and Intimacy During Our Forties and Perimenopause

4. The Basics of Empty Nest and Full Nest During Your Perimenopause

5. The Basics of Sexual Life of the Mind During Perimenopause

6. The Basics of Perimenopause – Progesterone and Mood

7. The Basics of Perimenopause – The Big Picture

8. The Basics of The Menstrual Cycle During Perimenopause

9. The Basics of Signs of Perimenopause – Guilty of Depression

10. The Basics of What You Need to Know About Breast Health in Your Forties