Fred never stops talking about his father. It’s never good. His father was a bully, sarcastic, critical, was alternately friendly and hostile, played him off against his brother, wouldn’t accept any different point of view from his own. He did my friend no favors. He has now spent years trying to sort himself out, getting his confidence back, feeling comfortable with disagreement and learning how to be tolerant.

If you are a parent:

* It is best not to force an issue when either you or your child is tired. Let it go, in case it blows up in both your faces
* Try using the ‘soft no’; if he does not respond to your request straight away, instead of raising your voice and issuing threats, repeat it more quietly, making sure you and he are looking directly at each other
* Try trusting him to comply, giving one or two reasons, or using creative ways to get his compliance instead

If you are a teacher:

* Responding with instant punishments in an apparently arbitrary way is an abuse of power; be measured, fair and consistent to avoid resentment and maintain students’ cooperation
* Avoid using sarcasm and ridicule in the classroom; these are not appropriate tools for confident, positive teaching
* Don’t react to challenges personally; doing so will lead to communication breakdown
* People shout and throw rulers when their patience and skills have run out; suggest that you team-teach to refresh your skills if you lose control more than occasionally

The tools of power that adults use are hitting, hurting, damaging belongings, bribery, ridicule, threats, sarcasm, shouting, emotional withdrawal and withholding food and liberty. It may be tempting to use these sometimes, especially when you are running out of steam, but it will be counter-productive. Boys will certainly find ways to get their own back, to preserve what they see as their self-respect.

Our children deserve the best from us, not the worst.

Related posts:

1. The Basics of Power Tools

2. The Basics of Avoid Shame and Guilt When Parenting Your Boys

3. The Basics of Self-Esteem Tips For Boys: Explain Your Thoughts and Feelings

4. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: the More You Use It, the More You Lose It

5. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Loosen the Straitjacket

6. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Boys Do Best When an Involved Man Cares

7. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Cut Down on Criticism

8. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Enter the No-Go Areas

9. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Offer Him Opportunities to Test Himself

10. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Nurture His Social Skills