‘Children need models more than they need critics’ – so said the French philosopher, Joubert. Boys will learn to identify and express their thoughts and feelings safely and comfortably if they see you do the same.

It is particularly important for boys to see their fathers or male role models being open about their emotions and giving serious thought to their ideas. One significant and unhelpful element of ‘macho’ maleness is that opinions are asserted in a commanding and dictatorial fashion and presented as ‘the truth’. This obliterates the possibility that others, including children, may see things differently.

If you are a parent:

* If you are angry, upset or frustrated, explain why; don’t just shout
* When you explain your reactions to your son’s actions, he learns to assess and anticipate the results of his behavior; this helps him to become responsible
* Tell him how you arrive at decisions, by saying, e.g.: ‘I first thought this, then I realized that, so I decided…’
* You are responsible for your feelings; say: ‘I felt angry when…’, not ‘You made me angry’
* If your son swears, ask him to find an alternative word to express what he’s trying to say, and do the same yourself

If you are a teacher:

* Help your students find the best language with which to express their thoughts and feelings
* Try always to express yourself as well as possible, too
* Use ‘I’ phrases in order to avoid blaming any individual student or group of students for anything
* Emotional literacy requires an emotional vocabulary; boys need to discover which words they can use to express their feelings -and, if information is presented properly to them, will enjoy widening their vocabularies to replace expletives

Thoughts and arguments should be put forward and explained, not asserted, with the possible exception of key matters of discipline. A useful principle is: assert your right to be heard, not your view of the world. Inner strength is based on tolerance and respect, not domination, and such a view is also hugely liberating: if you don’t need to dominate, you don’t always need to be right.

Related posts:

1. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Give His Feelings Space In Your World

2. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Respect His Feelings

3. The Basics of Self-Esteem Tips For Boys: Avoid Wielding the Tools of Power

4. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Respect His Right to Know

5. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Listen With Both Eyes

6. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Let Him Say No

7. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Nurture His Social Skills

8. Understanding Thoughts, Feelings and Emotions in People with Atopic Eczema

9. The Basics of How to Parent Your Boys: Show that You Understand Him

10. The Basics of Avoid Shame and Guilt When Parenting Your Boys