The Basics of Sensuality and Intimacy During Our Forties and Perimenopause
ByThe forties are a time when we can make sense of shifting and sometimes conflicting attitudes about sexuality, by seeking full expression of our sensuality. Sexuality is just one of many pleasures we give and receive. Voluptuousness in our forties makes the true definition of the word come alive, indulgence of luxury, enjoyment, and sensual pleasure.
“What do I know from indulgence or luxury?” Bonnie asked me. “I have too much to do, and not enough time or money.” That was my point exactly, the frenetic busy-ness of many of our lives keeps us away from ourselves, from the expression of our sensual side.
“Maybe we’re defining things differently,” I said to Bonnie. “I don’t mean luxuries that have to be expensive, or indulgence in a negative sense that’s lazy or selfish. I’m talking about luxuries like having time to yourself, or having intimate, meaningful time with someone you care about, where the goal is to be together, without expectations about getting something done.”
The awakening of your sensual side can happen through whatever combination of touch, smell, taste, sound, and vision you choose. Maureen enrolled in a sculpting class at a community college, intending to take some time for herself and to ease her stress level. But she found that kneading and shaping the clay, rolling it beneath her fingers, pounding it with her fists, was a sensual experience that left her not only more relaxed but energized at the same time. Andrea, who started gardening again after a long hiatus, had a similar sensual experience as she worked the warm soil and breathed the scent of the peonies and dahlias. “When I was growing up there was an older woman in our neighborhood who used to garden at night. She grew potatoes in straw. Everyone claimed that she gardened in the nude, although no one had actually seen her,” Andrea told me. “I don’t know what made her come to mind recently. I probably hadn’t thought about her for twenty-five years. But there’s something very appealing about the idea of gardening on a warm night with no clothes on. I just might try it.”
Sheila created a ritual for herself that soothes her and enlivens her senses: she listens to a favorite Bach piece, lights some soft candles, and bathes in scented oil. Afterward she dresses in an outfit of soft fabric and subtle colors she loves. She sometimes performs this ritual before meeting a friend at a cafe or museum, but she often does it just to relax by herself at home or before going somewhere alone. “I feel like I really own my body when I’m finished,” she says. “My blood is humming, and my mind is refreshed.”
Mindy delights in touch, smell, and taste when she devotes a Saturday each month to baking and freezing loaves of crusty whole-wheat bread. “I play out lots of emotion as I shape the dough,” she said. “The smell fills the whole house, and when the bread is done, I cut a thick heel for myself and have it with tea. My family looks forward to those Saturdays as much as I do.”
I often talk with women in their forties who yearn for a kind of intimacy and closeness that is nonsexual, for more expressions of caring from their husbands or partners. I always ask what these expressions of caring would look like, or what would define such intimacy. I get a range of responses, some of which are completely unrelated to sex:
“Being hugged, tenderly kissed and held, not just as part of making love.”
“Reaching for my hand in public.”
“Whispering something loving to me instead of just pressing up against me when he wants to have sex.”
“Calling me once in a while during the day to ask if there’s anything he can do on his way home, or just to say he’s thinking about me.” “Listening to me if I’m upset. Just being able to say what’s on my mind is so much more helpful than being told ‘It will be okay,’ or worse, ‘Calm down.’”
“Planning an evening out, getting the tickets, making the reservation, whatever, getting the babysitter, so all I have to do is show up and enjoy his company. We never get out unless I arrange everything.”
My next question is always the same: “Have you asked for any of these things?”
“Well, not exactly,” Helene told me. She was the woman who wished her husband’s show of desire were a little more expressive than pressing against her. The parallels aren’t exact, but in some ways achieving the intimacy we seek is similar to getting the health care we need: both depend on our knowing what we want and asking for it, very specifically, without being critical or apologetic. “The next time your husband initiates sex without a word, can you say something like I’d be so happy to hear you tell me you love me’?” I asked.
Sometimes demonstrating the kind of closeness we would like him to show us helps too. I suggested that Aileen take her husband’s hand often in public instead of waiting in vain for him to be publicly affectionate toward her. She was gratified when he reciprocated, stealing an arm around her shoulders or waist. Corinne also decided to take the lead: she picked up the phone and called her husband for a brief hello while he was at work a few times. “The first time, he barked, ‘what’s wrong?’” she said. “Now he seems genuinely happy to hear my voice. The other day I asked him to call me if he got a chance, and he did. We don’t talk long, but the tone is always very warm. I love that. Before we started talking occasionally during the day, it seemed like our discussions were all business.”
Deepening your intimacy with your partner requires a certain clarity about what you expect; it also means you have to take the time, apart from chores, bills, jobs, children, in-laws, and other “business,” to focus on your commitment to the person you care about without distraction. But our sensuality and passion are expanded in our forties, it becomes more than sexual feelings or acts, more about intimacy with others, involving a show of tenderness and trust born of confidence about our own strengths and needs. Our definition of romance matures: a spray of roses or a bottle of champagne seems less romantically charged than an evening spent intertwined on the sofa.
As you both adjust to physical changes during your forties, you and your partner can also use your broadened outlook on romance to your advantage:
- Plan regular, quiet, intimate times with your partner when the rest of the family is elsewhere, and the phone, television, beeper, and computer are turned off.
- Listen to favorite music together, or if one or both of you plays a musical instrument, perform a recital just for your mate.
- Take a look at photographs of your early days together, and describe your memories to each other.
- Read aloud to the person you love, or ask him to read to you as you cuddle. Short stories or poems are well suited for one session, but you might even decide to read a novel together in installments, one section at a time.
- Find a comfortable place to stretch out, and massage each other’s feet. Revel in the sensuous, comforting touch.
- Talk about the time when you met and were getting to know each other. It’s lovely to tell, and to hear about, the characteristics that drew you to each other.
You may have slowed your pace, yes, but you’ve also deepened your appreciation of the many meaningful ways you can be together with someone you love. Intimacy is there for you in your forties, waiting for you to recognize what it is and move deliberately toward it.
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