Some people find parenting to be relatively easy, even enjoyable. Some do not. Your parents may have found parenting difficult and frustrating. If so, they probably lacked one or more of the qualities needed to be good parents. Good parents have three basic qualities that people need to have in the new Parent they create for themselves. These basics are potency, protection, and permission.

Potency is strength. A potent parent is strong in the face of adversity or tragedy, strong when meeting difficult commitments or long-term goals. Being strong does not mean denying or repressing unhappy feelings that may be present. It means going ahead with life in spite of difficulty or negative experiences.

Sometimes going ahead takes courage because there may be a risk of failure. The potent person recognizes this possibility and strives to minimize the risk. He or she also recognizes personal feelings of ambivalence, confusion, or fear and owns up to having them. Owning up to having feelings is not the same as being owned by the feelings. Potent persons are in charge of their own feelings and behavior and they know it. Potent persons also are aware of their belief systems and free to change them when it seems like a good idea.

In self-reparenting, the positive new Parent needs to be more potent than the original parents. If not, the old negative messages may continue to be replayed and the inner Child will continue to listen. A strong new Parent will not allow that to happen or will intervene if it starts to occur. An example of healthy intervention is a parent who turns off the TV if a child is watching an inappropriate program. The potent Parent stops the tape from running or, at least, plays a more positive one that drowns out the noise of the past. When the potent new Parent intervenes to cut off old negative tapes, the Child is protected.

Protection is needed by children in order to feel safe and secure. Without protection they usually become fearful adults who are afraid to risk new ventures and afraid to change old patterns of responses. Or, they become adults who do not trust others and frequently attack or defend against real or imagined insults.

Protection can be given to the inner Child in many ways. The new Parent, for example, may encourage the learning of martial arts to someone who is afraid of being physically attacked or encourage assertiveness in the face of criticism. Some people who have had indifferent or overly indulgent parents feel insecure and in need of protection because reasonable limits were not established for them as children. Perhaps their parents failed to provide curfews, or allowed them to make too many choices for themselves—whether to stay in school or drop out, whether to go to bed or stay up late, and so forth. The effect on children is that they may feel powerless and lack a sense of direction.

The person developing a new Parent needs to decide on reasonable limits that are protective and contribute to an inner security. A new Parent can insist on proper health care—food, exercise, decent living conditions, and work habits. When people feel protected by potent internal or external Parent figures, they then feel as if they have permission to succeed.

Permission is consent or authorization. It can be given verbally, as in “I think it’s great you want to learn something new.” A statement such as this encourages a person to learn and be creative. Permission can also be given nonverbally, as with a pat on the back or a warm smile.

People who are frequently depressed or who feel miserable in some other way or who are self-punitive or punitive against others need the permission from an encouraging Parent to break free of this negative cycle. Other people, who neither succeed nor fail, five lives of boredom or trivia. They also need permission to turn around and pursue a different road that may lead to happiness.

Related posts:

1. The basics of learning to be happy – education in feeling

2. The basics of how to give your children positive affirmations of happiness

3. The basics of how to cultivate your children’s happiness

4. The basics of how good parenting makes their children happy by demonstrating love

5. The basics of love and happiness – negative influence of parental injunctions

6. The basics of how to expand your options when you are pursuing happiness

7. The basics of learning to be happy – fieldwork on parenting

8. The basics of how enjoying your home can bring you happiness

9. The basics of rewriting goals of freedom and happiness

10. The basics of the teachers’ important role of children’s happiness